The Smiley Face Button

The Smiley Face. That simple yellow round face with big black round eyes and a long black smile. An image that has been recognizable around the world for a long time. It's most commonly seen on t-shirts, stickers, and buttons.


I have a smiley face button. But mine is a little bit different from the normal ones. Mine has a bullet hole in the "forehead" with blood dripping out of it.


It's a button that I proudly display for all to see on my trenchcoat.

When people see this button on my person, they interpret many different ways. Many think I'm a violent person. Some think I hate happy people. Most think I'm just a sociopath. The paranoid people at Wal-Mart seem to think I wear the button in protest to Wal-Mart, despite the fact that I am shopping there when they see it.


Now, last night, I was at Wal-Mart again.


I got what I went in there for, and went to the check-out line.

Being 10:30 at night, there was only one line open.

3 people in front of me.

The first person has something that doesn't have a price tag on it or a UPC code anywhere, so we are waiting for the price check.


I turn to read the covers of the celeb gossip mags, when a 40 year oldish woman comes to the line behind me.


Now, the first time a person lays eyes on me, they are instantly drawn to my handsome, chiseled face. Then they look over the rest of my god like body.

But, since I am wearing nothing but black, the eyes usually go to one thing that stands out...my yellow smiley button.


Now, this woman, she is staring. She is burning a hole right through, that stare is so intense.

Finally I ask, "See anything you like?"

She points to the button and says, "How can you wear something like that?"

I say, "Well, you see, it has a pin attached to the back of that. I use that to hold it to my jacket, to keep it from falling off."


She completely ignores my genius quip, and says, "You shouldn't be wearing something like that with that recent tragedy."


Now, I could immediately tell this woman was lacking when it came to intelligence. She had that generic Wal-Mart brand soda in her shopping cart and a gallon of Edy's ice cream. Knowing what I was dealing with, I could pretty much guess what tragedy she was talking about.

I reminded her, "Well, Mam. Anna Nicole wasn't shot. She died from stuffing her fat face with to many scrips. I only wished fans of her, like yourself, and taken the same road the Nirvana fans took when Cobain offed himself and followed suit."

She scoffed and said, "I am not talking about that woman. I am talking about Virginia Tech."


I rolled my eyes.

I said, "Listen lady, I've had this button for a year now. I'm not going to take it off just because some Korean kid got dumped by his imaginary girlfriend and decided to vent a little by Columbining his way up and down the campus."


Now, at this point, she starts hyperventilating. Funniest damn thing you ever seen. I grab one of the counter mags and start fanning her. (Ironically enough, it was one with a VT Massacre cover story.)

She sits down right there in the aisle, and everyone else in line is gawking at us.

I tell the cashier she'd better call for help. The two guys in front of me have rushed to her side to help her up to see if she's all right.


The cashier called for help over the intercom. I took one last look at the woman and said, "Nice talking to you. Have a nice day." And went up to the cashier.


I laid down my WKRP In Cincinnati DVD Box Set in front of her and said, "I'm ready to check out now."


She looked at my button and asked, "What, you don't like Wal-Mart?"

I smiled and said, "Quite the contrary, I love it!"