Oh Deer

Saturday Night.


I was on a third date with this hot little number I met at the Bowling Alley. She was a good girl, crazy bout Elvis. Loved horses and America too. But that's not really important.


What is important is I have yet to bed this girl...and after what happened last night, I doubt I ever will.


I had only gotten to first base with this girl, after the second date, and I wasn't expecting coach to signal me to second base last night. The reason being: I had to work 3rd shift at my job.


Well, 9:30PM came along and I had to get ready, so we finished our date I drove her home.


10 years of driving in Indiana and I had yet to hit a deer. That changed last night.


Well, I should offer a correction to that, the deer hit me.


We were driving along the country road, cause she lived in the country, and out of nowhere, this deer come jumping out of the bushes.

Right into the side of my jeep.


We hear the thump, I yell out an expletive, she scream out, but I continue to drive. After all, it's not like I collided with some kid or something.


She pleads with me to stop to see if the deer is all right.

I tell her it's the deer's own **bleep** fault for being stupid.


Well, I could tell she was really upset about it and since I really liked her, I decided to go back to see if the deer was roadkill or not.


I turned off into the side road to turn around. As I started to back up, the back wheels went over a bump. I reversed all the way and the front wheels went over the bump as well.

Except there was no bump when I pulled in there...it was the deer. Apparently..it had got caught on my fended and we dragged it for about 50 yards.


She screams out "Oh my, the poor thing!!!"

I just shrugged.

She said, "Go out there and see how it's doing."

I went to open my door.


Now, before I continue with this tale, there is something I need to tell you about. My driver side door was broken for the longest time. It was about ready to fall off. I had to wait until I got my tax refund checks to get it fixed. It cost quite a bit.


So....back to the story. I went to open my door.


It wouldn't open. The deer had struck it so hard..it jammed it shut.



Now I was pissed.


I told her she needed to get out so I could climb out of the passenger side.

She got out and so did I.

We both walked up to the deer and saw it was really hurt.

I looked at the side of my jeep..dented all to hell. Tried my door again. It would budge.


I go back over to her and the deer.

She was kneeling down next to thing, stroking it's head and telling it, "It'll be ok. It'll be ok".

I tell her, "If the thing was smart enough to understand English, then it would be smart enough not to dive head first onto a two ton vehicle going 45 miles per hour."

She looks up at me, tears rolling down her cheeks, and said, "I'm just trying to comfort it. It's going to die. You should put it out of it's misery."


Now, normally, I'd hate to see such a creature suffer like that. But the thought of all the money I put in to get that door fixed and the fact that this stupid beast decided it wanted to Hunter S. Thompson itself by diving into the side of my jeep, I had other plans.

I got into the passenger side and grabbed my Dr. Pepper.

I then leaned up against my jeep and stared at the deer.


My date looked at me, puzzled, and asked, "What are you doing?"


I took a drink and smiled. I said, "I'm going to watch this thing suffer and die".

Now, whenever I say something particularly evil, I always have to give out a good chuckle. But the look of horror that appeared on my date's face when I said that..well, I had to laugh really loud.


About ten minutes later, the deer finally dies. By this time, she's already back in the jeep, just sitting there crying.


I drive her home, she's not speaking. When she gets out to leave, I tell her I'll call her. She doesn't respond.

I get home.


I go to check my door one more time when something finally dawns on me....


I took out my keys and unlocked my door.


It opened up fine.