Meeting a Gorgeous Woman

It all started a few weeks back.

I was at Subway, eating a 12 inch sweet onion chicken teriyaki, when the impossible happened:


The most beautiful woman I have ever seen in real life sat in a booth next to mine...alone

She was absolutely stunning. A woman such as this had no right being in such a crappy town as mine.

Now, I am not a shy kind of guy. If I see a woman I like, I will go up to her, but in this case, I just couldn't.

A woman of such beauty needs to be approached delicately.


So, I did what any guy would do...I stalked her.


I found out where she worked, where she lived, hell, I got all of her routine down.

What time she went to and got back from work, when she let her dog outside to play, the nights she went out to eat.



Finally, I came up with a plan. I knew how I could approach her and make her mine.

I got a buddy of mine to switch vehicles with me.

I got into his red Toyota and parked two blocks away from my dream girls house.

I got on my binoculars and waited.

And right on schedule, she let her dog out.

Now, the street she lived on was not a high traffic street, so the dog didn't really fear being out in the street.

I waited for the dog to get in position, and I made my move.

I turned on the Toyota and gunned it...the dog never had a chance. It was roadkill.

After painting the road with the dog's insides, I traveled another block and made a left...to where my buddy was waiting...in my jeep.

I got into my jeep and headed down another road and turned back onto her street.

I stopped in front of her house and picked up the dog...careful not to get my clothes stained with it's blood and intestines...at least that's what I think those were.

Anyway, I walked up to her house and knocked on the door.


She answered and saw my grisly gift, and burst into tears.

"Sparky", she cried.

I did my best acting, I said, "I am so sorry, I just found him on the road. I didn't see what happened."

She took the canine corpse from my hands and laid it down.

She then hugged me.


Ah...such a glorious moment....ruined by a nosy neighbor.


I heard the shrill voice of an 80 year old woman cry out, "Jade, Jade, he's the one, he's the one who hit Sparky!"


She let go of me and looked at me with a look I'm all to familiar with.

The old woman came up to us.

She said, "I saw it happen. It was you, you were in a red truck, but it was you!"

I said, "It was somebody that probably looked like me."

She said, "No, I may be an old woman, but my eyes are as good as they ever have been. I know it was you, because I have seen you driving up and down this road for weeks now."

I said, "You stupid old bitch" and ran toward my jeep and got the hell out of there.


I hate old people.