Some of you people would say I've had this coming, and you may be right, but my firing yesterday was uncalled for. And believe you me, I will be fighting it.
For one thing, the incident happened while I was on my break.
This happened at the fast food joint I part time at.
I go on break and decide to take my lunch out in the lobby. I sat down at a table by one of the windows.
As I'm sitting there, I see a car drive by. As it passed my window, the driver flicked a out a cigarette.
The cigarette happened to land in one of the bushes that are planted all along the windows. A nice neat row of them.
As I sat there eating, I noticed some smoke starting to rise from the bush. I really didn't think anything about.
Until I saw some flames.
The bush had caught on fire.
I took another bite of my sandwich as I watched the bush burn. Soon enough, the bush next to it caught fire as well.
Nothing like a good show to watch while you're eating.
I took a look at my watch and started to keep track on how fast these bushes were catching fire. I took a look around and made sure to map out my exit strategy..just in case the building should happen to go up in flames as well.
And let's be honest, I was kinda hoping that would be the case.
I was almost finished with my lunch by the time the whole row of bushes had caught fire. Finally somebody else had noticed what was happening.
They shouted out, "Holy crap, it's on fire!"
I silently applauded his skills of observation. Moments later, two of my coworkers ran out, dumping buckets of water onto the fire.
My boos had come running up beside me, she was talking on the phone with the fire department. When she was done talking to them, she turned to me.
She said, "what have you been doing this whole time the bushes were on fire?"
I said, "Eating my lunch."
She asked, "And you didn't think of telling anybody?"
I said, "I would have, but I'm on break."
Then she spouts out, "Not only did you put the store in jeopardy, you put all of our lives in jeopardy."
I replied, "Look, it's not like I started the fire. I can assure you, if I had, I would have made sure to tie you all up first."
Half an hour later, after the firetrucks left, she had my termination papers written up.
I refused to sign them.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
Bipolar Disorder
When you work a crappy job, you pretty much have to subscribe to the reality that during those hours you are working, you are no longer "alive". You are just a zombie.
Especially if you work in public service.
But during those hours, you are always on the lookout for something to latch onto, something that will remind you that there is something to live for outside of the hell you were hired onto.
Whether it be mundane conversations with coworkers you would not normally hang out with, or oogling the fine ladies that come into your store. Any hint of something better than you current position is a welcome.
This goes double when you are on the lookout to find a new lady to bring into your life.
Such was the case with me not too long ago.
A new girl was hired on to work the night shifts, which I happen to be a manage on some nights. When I saw her, it was like a breath of fresh air. Some real eye candy this one was. Which was a much welcome relief, because the women I have been working with made me start to wonder f nature had introduced the beasts to quell the human population. Yes, they are that ugly.
Anyway, after working a couple of days with this girl, I got to know her a little better. Nice attitude, got along with everybody.
After a few days, I decided to make my move.
I went up to her, and said, "Hey, if you're not doing anything after work tonight, you want to go grab a bite to eat with me?"
She blushed a little and said she would have to think about it.
That's fine. A couple hours passed and I decided to ask her again.
This time I got a completely different reaction.
I asked her, "Have you thought about it yet?"
Her face got deep red...and not from blushing.
She screamed out, "Why do you keep bugging me about this? Huh? Why don't you just leave me alone and quit harassing me!
Now, she screamed this out so loud, everybody, and I do mean everybody, in the store is looking at us. I just stood there, like a deer in headlights, I didn't know what to do or say. Her reaction had caught me completely off guard. After I recovered from my frozen state, I quickly walked away from her.
I had never been so embarrassed in my life.
And that's not something I easily forgive.
I pulled one of the workers into the manager's office.
I said to him, "Mark, what the hell is the deal with that psycho bitch?"
Mark said, "I don't know, but I'll find out for you."
He left the office and I sat in there deciding what to do next. Not only was I turned down for a date, but she also metaphorically castrated me in front of everybody. I had to deal with this bitch, had to get rid of her somehow.
A few minutes later, Mark came back into the office.
Mark said, "Well, you won't believe this, she's bipolar."
A light bulb went off in my head.
The next morning, I had a little chat with my boss, who told me that I should come to him if I had any problems with my employees on the night shift.
This is what I said to him, "I have some concerns with the new girl. Last night, I had asked her to do something. Later on when I asked her about it again, she blew up in my face. I come to find out she has this bipolar disorder. So, you see my concern about her being around the customers."
The boss said he was afraid that this might happen and he told me he would deal with it. And he did.
He canned her Norman Bates ass.
Especially if you work in public service.
But during those hours, you are always on the lookout for something to latch onto, something that will remind you that there is something to live for outside of the hell you were hired onto.
Whether it be mundane conversations with coworkers you would not normally hang out with, or oogling the fine ladies that come into your store. Any hint of something better than you current position is a welcome.
This goes double when you are on the lookout to find a new lady to bring into your life.
Such was the case with me not too long ago.
A new girl was hired on to work the night shifts, which I happen to be a manage on some nights. When I saw her, it was like a breath of fresh air. Some real eye candy this one was. Which was a much welcome relief, because the women I have been working with made me start to wonder f nature had introduced the beasts to quell the human population. Yes, they are that ugly.
Anyway, after working a couple of days with this girl, I got to know her a little better. Nice attitude, got along with everybody.
After a few days, I decided to make my move.
I went up to her, and said, "Hey, if you're not doing anything after work tonight, you want to go grab a bite to eat with me?"
She blushed a little and said she would have to think about it.
That's fine. A couple hours passed and I decided to ask her again.
This time I got a completely different reaction.
I asked her, "Have you thought about it yet?"
Her face got deep red...and not from blushing.
She screamed out, "Why do you keep bugging me about this? Huh? Why don't you just leave me alone and quit harassing me!
Now, she screamed this out so loud, everybody, and I do mean everybody, in the store is looking at us. I just stood there, like a deer in headlights, I didn't know what to do or say. Her reaction had caught me completely off guard. After I recovered from my frozen state, I quickly walked away from her.
I had never been so embarrassed in my life.
And that's not something I easily forgive.
I pulled one of the workers into the manager's office.
I said to him, "Mark, what the hell is the deal with that psycho bitch?"
Mark said, "I don't know, but I'll find out for you."
He left the office and I sat in there deciding what to do next. Not only was I turned down for a date, but she also metaphorically castrated me in front of everybody. I had to deal with this bitch, had to get rid of her somehow.
A few minutes later, Mark came back into the office.
Mark said, "Well, you won't believe this, she's bipolar."
A light bulb went off in my head.
The next morning, I had a little chat with my boss, who told me that I should come to him if I had any problems with my employees on the night shift.
This is what I said to him, "I have some concerns with the new girl. Last night, I had asked her to do something. Later on when I asked her about it again, she blew up in my face. I come to find out she has this bipolar disorder. So, you see my concern about her being around the customers."
The boss said he was afraid that this might happen and he told me he would deal with it. And he did.
He canned her Norman Bates ass.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The Other Victims of the Holocaust
3rd shift at Arby's isn't as fun as it sounds. We work with minimal staff...four people at the most. So when we get busy, we get busy. But there are always a couple of hours of hardly any customers.
Such as it is, those hours are dedicated to cleaning and joking around.
Last weekend, it was 3 of us working on a Saturday. Myself, Roger, and Chris.
Chris and I share an appreciation for dark humor. Roger, however, does not.
Roger, you see, got back from Iraq a few months ago. Having seen the dark side of human nature has taken a bit out of ol' Rog.
Nothing a little humor could cure, right? That's what we thought to.
The night started out simple, a barrage of dead baby jokes. Such as, "What do you get when you stab a dead baby? An erection!"
Chris and I were having were having some good laughs, Roger just stayed quiet for the most part. At one point, he asked us how we could possibly find humor in dead kids.
I said, "When you chop them up enough, you can find anything."
He certainly didn't like that and went back to his task of cleaning.
We got busy.
Later on when the action died down, we back to joking.
I asked Chris, "What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?"
He didn't know.
I said, "The Holocaust stupid."
He had a good laugh at that but Roger got furious.
He said, "That's it. That's where I draw the line. I can stand here and listen to you two joke about dead babies and minorities, but I won't let you joke about that. My grandmother was in a Concentration Camp."
Well, that brought about some awkward silence.
Finally I said, "I thought you were Catholic."
Roger said, "Yes, I am. But my grandmother was Jewish."
Our joking momentum having been interrupted by Mr. Sensitive Soldier did not sit well we me. I could have dropped the whole thing and moved on, but no. That's not how I roll."
I asked Roger, "How do you fit a hundred Jews into a car?"
Roger just gave me an angry look.
I said, "You dump them in the ashtrays."
Roger threw the pan he was holding to the floor.
Roger screamed, "How dare you! You stand there and make fun of mass genocide. You don't know anything. I want you to stand there and think about all of those families that were ruined and destroyed by that. I want you to stand there, think about that, and still tell me you think it's funny."
That's when I got serious.
I said, "You know Roger, you are right. It was a terrible part of our history. And this is an issue that is sensitive to you. I understand that. All of those Jewish lives that were affected. Yeah, I get it. But you stand there and talk about the Jews, but I doubt you have given any thought about the other victims of the Holocaust."
Roger looked at me, puzzled.
He asked, "Who are you talking about?"
I said, "After the Holocaust was over, there is a group of people that became affected that history tends to ignore. But I haven't forgot about them as you have."
Again, he asked "Who?"
I said, "All of those Germans who lost their jobs."
He looked at me, flabbergasted.
I continued.
"Yeah. All of those Germans who worked at those camps have now found themselves without a job. Think about. Daddy Homburg comes home to his family and says, 'Sorry kids, daddy no longer has job. We must eat the rats now, ya'. You see, I have thought about the Holocaust and and who have suffered. And I have now put a human face on it. Look at that."
Chris and I handled the rest of the night well with just the two of us.
Such as it is, those hours are dedicated to cleaning and joking around.
Last weekend, it was 3 of us working on a Saturday. Myself, Roger, and Chris.
Chris and I share an appreciation for dark humor. Roger, however, does not.
Roger, you see, got back from Iraq a few months ago. Having seen the dark side of human nature has taken a bit out of ol' Rog.
Nothing a little humor could cure, right? That's what we thought to.
The night started out simple, a barrage of dead baby jokes. Such as, "What do you get when you stab a dead baby? An erection!"
Chris and I were having were having some good laughs, Roger just stayed quiet for the most part. At one point, he asked us how we could possibly find humor in dead kids.
I said, "When you chop them up enough, you can find anything."
He certainly didn't like that and went back to his task of cleaning.
We got busy.
Later on when the action died down, we back to joking.
I asked Chris, "What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?"
He didn't know.
I said, "The Holocaust stupid."
He had a good laugh at that but Roger got furious.
He said, "That's it. That's where I draw the line. I can stand here and listen to you two joke about dead babies and minorities, but I won't let you joke about that. My grandmother was in a Concentration Camp."
Well, that brought about some awkward silence.
Finally I said, "I thought you were Catholic."
Roger said, "Yes, I am. But my grandmother was Jewish."
Our joking momentum having been interrupted by Mr. Sensitive Soldier did not sit well we me. I could have dropped the whole thing and moved on, but no. That's not how I roll."
I asked Roger, "How do you fit a hundred Jews into a car?"
Roger just gave me an angry look.
I said, "You dump them in the ashtrays."
Roger threw the pan he was holding to the floor.
Roger screamed, "How dare you! You stand there and make fun of mass genocide. You don't know anything. I want you to stand there and think about all of those families that were ruined and destroyed by that. I want you to stand there, think about that, and still tell me you think it's funny."
That's when I got serious.
I said, "You know Roger, you are right. It was a terrible part of our history. And this is an issue that is sensitive to you. I understand that. All of those Jewish lives that were affected. Yeah, I get it. But you stand there and talk about the Jews, but I doubt you have given any thought about the other victims of the Holocaust."
Roger looked at me, puzzled.
He asked, "Who are you talking about?"
I said, "After the Holocaust was over, there is a group of people that became affected that history tends to ignore. But I haven't forgot about them as you have."
Again, he asked "Who?"
I said, "All of those Germans who lost their jobs."
He looked at me, flabbergasted.
I continued.
"Yeah. All of those Germans who worked at those camps have now found themselves without a job. Think about. Daddy Homburg comes home to his family and says, 'Sorry kids, daddy no longer has job. We must eat the rats now, ya'. You see, I have thought about the Holocaust and and who have suffered. And I have now put a human face on it. Look at that."
Chris and I handled the rest of the night well with just the two of us.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
What Freedom Means To Me
My crummy little town decided it was going to have a contest this year. The contest was called "What Freedom Means To Me". It involved coming up with the best idea to represent what freedom represents to the individual(s) entering the contest. You were allowed to enter art projects, skits, videos etc, etc. Whatever your imagination came up with.
I had no intention of entering this contest because I thought it was pure patriotic masturbation. Patriotbation, if you will.
Yep, I was going to steer clear of this until I accidentally overheard what a group of teens were going to to do for the contest.
It was last week. My friend and I were enjoying a meal at the local Applebees, enjoying some onion petals, when we overheard the kids, who were sitting in the booth behind us.
Teen 1: Yeah, it should only take a few days, we got the materials ready and the design plans.
Teen 2: How big are they going to be again?
Teen 3: Ten Feet tall. Except the South Tower, with the antenna on it, it'll be 11.
Teen 2: And about 2 to 3 feet across on all four sides.
Teen 1: I wish my brother could be here to see it. We'll have to take pics.
Teen 3: When's he get back from Iraq?
Teen 1: In a couple months. He'll be real proud of us for building the towers. 9/11 is the reason he joined the army.
Teen 2: That's cool. I don't even care if we win, just doing this makes me glad to be an American.
I gave my friend a stern look. I though for sure he was playing some joke on me, getting these kids to sit across from us. Applebees was his idea. But, I realised that he was as shocked as I was.
I had to put my fork down. The banality of what they were planning to do made me lose my appetite.
I had to butt in. I turned around to talk to them
Me: Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhearing. What exactly are you guys planning to do for this contest?
Teen 1: We are going to build a replica of the World Trade Center Towers.
Me: Why?
Teen 3: Because they are the new symbol of freedom.
Me: How?
Teen 1: Because the world saw on that day that they might be able to destroy our building, they cannot destroy our spirit.
That did it for me. I immediately called for the check and my friend and I got the hell out of there. I vowed shake off what I had just experienced.
However, the serious look on their faces started to haunt my dreams. They had to be taught a lesson.
And so, a plan formed.
I called up my friend and we did some shopping. Then we did some practicing. A week later. We were ready.
We had made sure to enter the contest in the very last second. That made us last to give our presentation.
The presentation was held today, July 4th, in the park. It started at Noon.
By 12:30, I already had half a bottle of Pepto Bismol gone. The entries were absolutely ludicrous.
At 1:30, the teens presented their towers. And sure enough, the towers were as big as they said they were. Of course, they were met with a loud applause.
After they were done showing the towers off and reading their nauseating essay,. they moved the Towers over to the side of the stage that had been set up.
At 2:00, it was time for the final entry.
Ours.
We got on stage. My friend was setting up our little toys and I grabbed the mic.
Me: This is what freedom means to us. The freedom to express out absolute distaste for the absolute crap that has been going on here today. And this is how we express it!
My friend then handed me my remote control.
On the stage he had set up the two remote control airplanes we had purchased the other day. We started em off and they took off the stage. We flew them around in a couple circles. We had rigged 'em up so red, white, and blue smoke plumes would come out of the wings.
The onlookers were perplexed by what I had said, but they were awed by the planes and the pretty colors.
I went up to the mic.
Me: And here it is, ladies and gentlemen. God bless the USA.
We then flew the planes back toward the stage.
But instead of landing them, we crashed them into model of the WTC Towers.
The collective gasp of the crowd was something to behold, and it was our only moment to hightail it out of there before the backlash.
I don't know if we won the contest or not.
I had no intention of entering this contest because I thought it was pure patriotic masturbation. Patriotbation, if you will.
Yep, I was going to steer clear of this until I accidentally overheard what a group of teens were going to to do for the contest.
It was last week. My friend and I were enjoying a meal at the local Applebees, enjoying some onion petals, when we overheard the kids, who were sitting in the booth behind us.
Teen 1: Yeah, it should only take a few days, we got the materials ready and the design plans.
Teen 2: How big are they going to be again?
Teen 3: Ten Feet tall. Except the South Tower, with the antenna on it, it'll be 11.
Teen 2: And about 2 to 3 feet across on all four sides.
Teen 1: I wish my brother could be here to see it. We'll have to take pics.
Teen 3: When's he get back from Iraq?
Teen 1: In a couple months. He'll be real proud of us for building the towers. 9/11 is the reason he joined the army.
Teen 2: That's cool. I don't even care if we win, just doing this makes me glad to be an American.
I gave my friend a stern look. I though for sure he was playing some joke on me, getting these kids to sit across from us. Applebees was his idea. But, I realised that he was as shocked as I was.
I had to put my fork down. The banality of what they were planning to do made me lose my appetite.
I had to butt in. I turned around to talk to them
Me: Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhearing. What exactly are you guys planning to do for this contest?
Teen 1: We are going to build a replica of the World Trade Center Towers.
Me: Why?
Teen 3: Because they are the new symbol of freedom.
Me: How?
Teen 1: Because the world saw on that day that they might be able to destroy our building, they cannot destroy our spirit.
That did it for me. I immediately called for the check and my friend and I got the hell out of there. I vowed shake off what I had just experienced.
However, the serious look on their faces started to haunt my dreams. They had to be taught a lesson.
And so, a plan formed.
I called up my friend and we did some shopping. Then we did some practicing. A week later. We were ready.
We had made sure to enter the contest in the very last second. That made us last to give our presentation.
The presentation was held today, July 4th, in the park. It started at Noon.
By 12:30, I already had half a bottle of Pepto Bismol gone. The entries were absolutely ludicrous.
At 1:30, the teens presented their towers. And sure enough, the towers were as big as they said they were. Of course, they were met with a loud applause.
After they were done showing the towers off and reading their nauseating essay,. they moved the Towers over to the side of the stage that had been set up.
At 2:00, it was time for the final entry.
Ours.
We got on stage. My friend was setting up our little toys and I grabbed the mic.
Me: This is what freedom means to us. The freedom to express out absolute distaste for the absolute crap that has been going on here today. And this is how we express it!
My friend then handed me my remote control.
On the stage he had set up the two remote control airplanes we had purchased the other day. We started em off and they took off the stage. We flew them around in a couple circles. We had rigged 'em up so red, white, and blue smoke plumes would come out of the wings.
The onlookers were perplexed by what I had said, but they were awed by the planes and the pretty colors.
I went up to the mic.
Me: And here it is, ladies and gentlemen. God bless the USA.
We then flew the planes back toward the stage.
But instead of landing them, we crashed them into model of the WTC Towers.
The collective gasp of the crowd was something to behold, and it was our only moment to hightail it out of there before the backlash.
I don't know if we won the contest or not.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Food Stamps
I had to run some errands in town today. While doing this, I managed to come across something that caught my eye. Something I knew I could use to have some really good fun.
For the fun to begin, I had to find some poor white trash chick. And like most of the white trash bitches in this country, the ones around my town are the kind that pump out kid after kid, are on welfare, and only date Mexicans or black dudes.
But that didn't matter. It really wasn't important for the task at hand.
I cruised around the poor section of town for a good half hour 'till I spotted the perfect broke slut to spring my trap on.
I got out of my jeep and went up to her.
"Excuse me, miss." I said, holding back laughter.
She said, "Yeah, What choo want?"
I pulled an envelope out of my pocket.
I said, "Now, I'm going to venture a guess here and say you are probably on food stamps."
She said, "Yeah, I am. What's it to you?"
I said, "It just so happens, I have got several food stamps in this here envelope. And they can be all yours."
She asked, "What do I got to do?"
I smiled and said, "Let's not fool ourselves here. You've probably have had more dicks in you than a glory hole in the restroom at some gay bar. So, one little blowjob from you to me shouldn't be a big deal."
She asked, "How much choo got in there. I gots kids to feed."
I asked, "How many kids do you have?"
She said, "Just the two."
I said, "Trust me, there are plenty of food stamps in here."
We headed over to an alley and she performed her duties.
After she cleaned up, she took the envelope from me.
She opened it up and looked inside and saw the food stamps.
Or should I say, the postage stamps that had food on them. I saw them when I went to the Post Office.
She looked at them and asked, "What the fuck is this?"
I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Food stamps." I turned around and walked away.
As I was walking off, I heard one of her kids ask, "Mommy, do we get something to eat too?"
For the fun to begin, I had to find some poor white trash chick. And like most of the white trash bitches in this country, the ones around my town are the kind that pump out kid after kid, are on welfare, and only date Mexicans or black dudes.
But that didn't matter. It really wasn't important for the task at hand.
I cruised around the poor section of town for a good half hour 'till I spotted the perfect broke slut to spring my trap on.
I got out of my jeep and went up to her.
"Excuse me, miss." I said, holding back laughter.
She said, "Yeah, What choo want?"
I pulled an envelope out of my pocket.
I said, "Now, I'm going to venture a guess here and say you are probably on food stamps."
She said, "Yeah, I am. What's it to you?"
I said, "It just so happens, I have got several food stamps in this here envelope. And they can be all yours."
She asked, "What do I got to do?"
I smiled and said, "Let's not fool ourselves here. You've probably have had more dicks in you than a glory hole in the restroom at some gay bar. So, one little blowjob from you to me shouldn't be a big deal."
She asked, "How much choo got in there. I gots kids to feed."
I asked, "How many kids do you have?"
She said, "Just the two."
I said, "Trust me, there are plenty of food stamps in here."
We headed over to an alley and she performed her duties.
After she cleaned up, she took the envelope from me.
She opened it up and looked inside and saw the food stamps.
Or should I say, the postage stamps that had food on them. I saw them when I went to the Post Office.
She looked at them and asked, "What the fuck is this?"
I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Food stamps." I turned around and walked away.
As I was walking off, I heard one of her kids ask, "Mommy, do we get something to eat too?"
Monday, May 28, 2007
Never Give Rides To Co-Workers 4
I was happy today.
I got up, after a 4 hour sleep, but it felt like it was 8. It was raining outside...and as the Garbage song goes, "I'm only happy when it rains."
I had to work the lunch shift at Arby's today. And things were running smooth for a change. Nothing stressful happened..just smooth running.
10 minutes before my shift was over, the drive-thru girl came over to ask me a question.
Can I give her a lift home?
Now...in the past, I've given rides to co-workers just to be nice and those have always ended up bad for somebody, so now I've made it a rule not to give any rides to co-workers unless they are hot and there was a chance of some sort of sexual payment.
I broke the rules today.
She was not attractive and gawd knows there would be no sexual payment for this ride home, let alone any monetary payment, unless I wanted food stamps.
But, I was in a good mood, so I thought, "Eh, what could it hurt".
And of course, I would find out exactly what it would hurt.
After our shift was over, we get in my Cherokee take off, and then she drops the bomb on me:
We have to pick up her kids.
The happiness that I was feeling melted away like the skin of the Nazi's at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark.
I don;t say anything though, I just nod. The dark cloud that was brewing within my had prevented me from saying anything, but that little voice, the one I usually ignore was saying: "It'll be ok."
Boy was he wrong.
We go to her babysitters.
She goes in to get them and I stay out in the jeep comptemplating on whether or not to take off and leave her there.
I shake my head and mentally kick myself for staying.
She comes out with her two brats and they are already throwing a fit.
She gets them in and gets in herself say, "I'm sorry they were watching their favorite show and didn't want to leave."
I just nodded.
She tells me where she lives and I head over there.
And a few moments later...it happened.
And when it did, I let out a yell so loud and powerful, the people in the car in front of us turned around to look.
One of her little insects puked on my seat.
She began to apologize, but it was too late for her.
She said she would clean it up but I just looked over at her and said, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it."
And that's when I moved my fingers over the little control console on my door and lowered the passenger side and backseat windows.
Immediately her and her brats began to be soaked and she screamed, "What in the hell are you doing!"
I said I was cleaning up the mess.
She screamed at me to roll up her windows but I did not.
We get to her house she jumps out the door, gets her kids out, and screams at me, "If they get pneumonia, I'm going to sue your ass!".
I hope her lawyer takes food stamps.
I got up, after a 4 hour sleep, but it felt like it was 8. It was raining outside...and as the Garbage song goes, "I'm only happy when it rains."
I had to work the lunch shift at Arby's today. And things were running smooth for a change. Nothing stressful happened..just smooth running.
10 minutes before my shift was over, the drive-thru girl came over to ask me a question.
Can I give her a lift home?
Now...in the past, I've given rides to co-workers just to be nice and those have always ended up bad for somebody, so now I've made it a rule not to give any rides to co-workers unless they are hot and there was a chance of some sort of sexual payment.
I broke the rules today.
She was not attractive and gawd knows there would be no sexual payment for this ride home, let alone any monetary payment, unless I wanted food stamps.
But, I was in a good mood, so I thought, "Eh, what could it hurt".
And of course, I would find out exactly what it would hurt.
After our shift was over, we get in my Cherokee take off, and then she drops the bomb on me:
We have to pick up her kids.
The happiness that I was feeling melted away like the skin of the Nazi's at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark.
I don;t say anything though, I just nod. The dark cloud that was brewing within my had prevented me from saying anything, but that little voice, the one I usually ignore was saying: "It'll be ok."
Boy was he wrong.
We go to her babysitters.
She goes in to get them and I stay out in the jeep comptemplating on whether or not to take off and leave her there.
I shake my head and mentally kick myself for staying.
She comes out with her two brats and they are already throwing a fit.
She gets them in and gets in herself say, "I'm sorry they were watching their favorite show and didn't want to leave."
I just nodded.
She tells me where she lives and I head over there.
And a few moments later...it happened.
And when it did, I let out a yell so loud and powerful, the people in the car in front of us turned around to look.
One of her little insects puked on my seat.
She began to apologize, but it was too late for her.
She said she would clean it up but I just looked over at her and said, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it."
And that's when I moved my fingers over the little control console on my door and lowered the passenger side and backseat windows.
Immediately her and her brats began to be soaked and she screamed, "What in the hell are you doing!"
I said I was cleaning up the mess.
She screamed at me to roll up her windows but I did not.
We get to her house she jumps out the door, gets her kids out, and screams at me, "If they get pneumonia, I'm going to sue your ass!".
I hope her lawyer takes food stamps.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Mistaken Identity
This happened several years ago...
I'm lying in bed, trying to get to sleep.
Then something beyond belief happened.
A very drunk woman came stumbling into my room. I began to speak out to the woman, but my curiosity to see what the woman would do silenced me.
She then climbed onto my bed. I leaned up, watching this woman inch her way toward midsection.
She pulled off my covers and began to unzip my fly.
I let this happen.
She then pulled out my Raging Red Rocket and looked up at me and said, "You ready for this Dan?"
My name is Richard.
She then starts the sucking.
Well, I let this go on for a minute or two...who really knows, but I started feeling a bit bad for letting this drunken broad think she's syphoning sperm on someone she knows.
So I spoke up and said...
"Mom, your room is across the hall."
I'm lying in bed, trying to get to sleep.
Then something beyond belief happened.
A very drunk woman came stumbling into my room. I began to speak out to the woman, but my curiosity to see what the woman would do silenced me.
She then climbed onto my bed. I leaned up, watching this woman inch her way toward midsection.
She pulled off my covers and began to unzip my fly.
I let this happen.
She then pulled out my Raging Red Rocket and looked up at me and said, "You ready for this Dan?"
My name is Richard.
She then starts the sucking.
Well, I let this go on for a minute or two...who really knows, but I started feeling a bit bad for letting this drunken broad think she's syphoning sperm on someone she knows.
So I spoke up and said...
"Mom, your room is across the hall."
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Doing Something Nice For a Change
I took a look at my life, some of the things I've done and decided that maybe I needed to get some professional help.
So I went to see a shrink and told him that I might have a severe anti-social disorder.
We talksed about it and he thought that I might get joy out of offending people.
He suggested that I do something really nice for a complete stranger. He thought that I might find that get even more joy out of making people happy.
I decided to take him up on that, after all..he is the expert.
I had a hard time getting started so I ask him for some suggestions,
He told me that I should find somebody I could relate with on an emotional level. He told me I should find somebody who didn't know their biological parents....I do not know mine.
I thought that was a good idea so I went to city funded foster home or whatever the hell it is.
The place was strangly comfprting to me as I had lived there for the first three months of my life.
I told the lady in charge that day my reasons for being there.
She brought me to Sarah.
Sarah was this 10 year old, cute as a button, orphan.
Her parents died in a car crash when she was 10 months old and she had no immediate family to go to.
She was reading a Harry Potter novel, and being a fan of the books myself, that was the thing to break the ice.
I bonded with her well...she was like the little sister I never had. We talked about Harry Potter, Star Wars, and music.
I told my shrink about befriending a total stranger.
I told him I liked the feeling of being nice to this girl but it just didn't seem enough.
He suggested I do something extraordianry for her.
The next day, I asked her what would make her the happiest girl in the world.
She said she wanted a picture of her parents.
I thought it was strange that she didn't have any picture, so I asked the lady in charge at the FH about it.
She said Sarah's parents were the odd type and didn't have any photo albums...not even any of Sarah after her birth.
I vowed to Sarah I would find a photo of them.
It took a few days of searching...but I finally found one.
I brought it to Sarah, telling her I found a photo of them and I handed it to her...she looked at it and the tears filled her eyes.
She didn't say thanks...she didn't have to. The look on her face was thanks enough.
It felt real good doing this and I no longer need to see a shrink.
Oh, if you're curious..the picture of her parents is here.
So I went to see a shrink and told him that I might have a severe anti-social disorder.
We talksed about it and he thought that I might get joy out of offending people.
He suggested that I do something really nice for a complete stranger. He thought that I might find that get even more joy out of making people happy.
I decided to take him up on that, after all..he is the expert.
I had a hard time getting started so I ask him for some suggestions,
He told me that I should find somebody I could relate with on an emotional level. He told me I should find somebody who didn't know their biological parents....I do not know mine.
I thought that was a good idea so I went to city funded foster home or whatever the hell it is.
The place was strangly comfprting to me as I had lived there for the first three months of my life.
I told the lady in charge that day my reasons for being there.
She brought me to Sarah.
Sarah was this 10 year old, cute as a button, orphan.
Her parents died in a car crash when she was 10 months old and she had no immediate family to go to.
She was reading a Harry Potter novel, and being a fan of the books myself, that was the thing to break the ice.
I bonded with her well...she was like the little sister I never had. We talked about Harry Potter, Star Wars, and music.
I told my shrink about befriending a total stranger.
I told him I liked the feeling of being nice to this girl but it just didn't seem enough.
He suggested I do something extraordianry for her.
The next day, I asked her what would make her the happiest girl in the world.
She said she wanted a picture of her parents.
I thought it was strange that she didn't have any picture, so I asked the lady in charge at the FH about it.
She said Sarah's parents were the odd type and didn't have any photo albums...not even any of Sarah after her birth.
I vowed to Sarah I would find a photo of them.
It took a few days of searching...but I finally found one.
I brought it to Sarah, telling her I found a photo of them and I handed it to her...she looked at it and the tears filled her eyes.
She didn't say thanks...she didn't have to. The look on her face was thanks enough.
It felt real good doing this and I no longer need to see a shrink.
Oh, if you're curious..the picture of her parents is here.
Death at Work
Some people have the problem of never thinking before they speak. Now, those who know me, would say I have the same problem.
I disagree. You see, I have no problem with saying what's on my mind. And If someone should be hurt by my words, well then, that's life.
I'll give you an example, this happened at work the other day.
Last week, this girl I work with lost her mother in car accident.
Then, the other day at work, I saw my coworker Daniel, putting on his jacket and getting his stuff. Which was odd, because he had just got to work an hour before.
I yelled at him, "Where the fuck do you think you're going, Danny-boy?"
He gave me a dirty look.
For some mad reason, I decided to ask him, "Well then, who made who?"
He then started to cry and left.
I didn't know what was going on, so I asked the boss.
He said Daniel's father just died.
Knowing that information, my mind went over the encounter I had just had with Daniel. I gave out a hearty laugh.
I then said, "Damn, people's parents are dropping like flies around here".
My boss's mouth dropped open. And then I heard more crying.
I had completely forgot that the girl whose mother had died had come back to work that day.
Not one to be daunted by how other's feel about me, I decided there was no harm in giving the girl something really to cry about.
I said, "Well, we wouldn't be having this epidemic if some people's parents weren't steering the wheel while steering a bottle of Jim Bean to their mouths."
The girl took off towards the bathroom. Not even the walls could quiet the cries we heard.
By this time, the whole place is staring at me.
I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Eh. My parents are still alive."
I disagree. You see, I have no problem with saying what's on my mind. And If someone should be hurt by my words, well then, that's life.
I'll give you an example, this happened at work the other day.
Last week, this girl I work with lost her mother in car accident.
Then, the other day at work, I saw my coworker Daniel, putting on his jacket and getting his stuff. Which was odd, because he had just got to work an hour before.
I yelled at him, "Where the fuck do you think you're going, Danny-boy?"
He gave me a dirty look.
For some mad reason, I decided to ask him, "Well then, who made who?"
He then started to cry and left.
I didn't know what was going on, so I asked the boss.
He said Daniel's father just died.
Knowing that information, my mind went over the encounter I had just had with Daniel. I gave out a hearty laugh.
I then said, "Damn, people's parents are dropping like flies around here".
My boss's mouth dropped open. And then I heard more crying.
I had completely forgot that the girl whose mother had died had come back to work that day.
Not one to be daunted by how other's feel about me, I decided there was no harm in giving the girl something really to cry about.
I said, "Well, we wouldn't be having this epidemic if some people's parents weren't steering the wheel while steering a bottle of Jim Bean to their mouths."
The girl took off towards the bathroom. Not even the walls could quiet the cries we heard.
By this time, the whole place is staring at me.
I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Eh. My parents are still alive."
The Smiley Face Button
The Smiley Face. That simple yellow round face with big black round eyes and a long black smile. An image that has been recognizable around the world for a long time. It's most commonly seen on t-shirts, stickers, and buttons.
I have a smiley face button. But mine is a little bit different from the normal ones. Mine has a bullet hole in the "forehead" with blood dripping out of it.
It's a button that I proudly display for all to see on my trenchcoat.
When people see this button on my person, they interpret many different ways. Many think I'm a violent person. Some think I hate happy people. Most think I'm just a sociopath. The paranoid people at Wal-Mart seem to think I wear the button in protest to Wal-Mart, despite the fact that I am shopping there when they see it.
Now, last night, I was at Wal-Mart again.
I got what I went in there for, and went to the check-out line.
Being 10:30 at night, there was only one line open.
3 people in front of me.
The first person has something that doesn't have a price tag on it or a UPC code anywhere, so we are waiting for the price check.
I turn to read the covers of the celeb gossip mags, when a 40 year oldish woman comes to the line behind me.
Now, the first time a person lays eyes on me, they are instantly drawn to my handsome, chiseled face. Then they look over the rest of my god like body.
But, since I am wearing nothing but black, the eyes usually go to one thing that stands out...my yellow smiley button.
Now, this woman, she is staring. She is burning a hole right through, that stare is so intense.
Finally I ask, "See anything you like?"
She points to the button and says, "How can you wear something like that?"
I say, "Well, you see, it has a pin attached to the back of that. I use that to hold it to my jacket, to keep it from falling off."
She completely ignores my genius quip, and says, "You shouldn't be wearing something like that with that recent tragedy."
Now, I could immediately tell this woman was lacking when it came to intelligence. She had that generic Wal-Mart brand soda in her shopping cart and a gallon of Edy's ice cream. Knowing what I was dealing with, I could pretty much guess what tragedy she was talking about.
I reminded her, "Well, Mam. Anna Nicole wasn't shot. She died from stuffing her fat face with to many scrips. I only wished fans of her, like yourself, and taken the same road the Nirvana fans took when Cobain offed himself and followed suit."
She scoffed and said, "I am not talking about that woman. I am talking about Virginia Tech."
I rolled my eyes.
I said, "Listen lady, I've had this button for a year now. I'm not going to take it off just because some Korean kid got dumped by his imaginary girlfriend and decided to vent a little by Columbining his way up and down the campus."
Now, at this point, she starts hyperventilating. Funniest damn thing you ever seen. I grab one of the counter mags and start fanning her. (Ironically enough, it was one with a VT Massacre cover story.)
She sits down right there in the aisle, and everyone else in line is gawking at us.
I tell the cashier she'd better call for help. The two guys in front of me have rushed to her side to help her up to see if she's all right.
The cashier called for help over the intercom. I took one last look at the woman and said, "Nice talking to you. Have a nice day." And went up to the cashier.
I laid down my WKRP In Cincinnati DVD Box Set in front of her and said, "I'm ready to check out now."
She looked at my button and asked, "What, you don't like Wal-Mart?"
I smiled and said, "Quite the contrary, I love it!"
I have a smiley face button. But mine is a little bit different from the normal ones. Mine has a bullet hole in the "forehead" with blood dripping out of it.
It's a button that I proudly display for all to see on my trenchcoat.
When people see this button on my person, they interpret many different ways. Many think I'm a violent person. Some think I hate happy people. Most think I'm just a sociopath. The paranoid people at Wal-Mart seem to think I wear the button in protest to Wal-Mart, despite the fact that I am shopping there when they see it.
Now, last night, I was at Wal-Mart again.
I got what I went in there for, and went to the check-out line.
Being 10:30 at night, there was only one line open.
3 people in front of me.
The first person has something that doesn't have a price tag on it or a UPC code anywhere, so we are waiting for the price check.
I turn to read the covers of the celeb gossip mags, when a 40 year oldish woman comes to the line behind me.
Now, the first time a person lays eyes on me, they are instantly drawn to my handsome, chiseled face. Then they look over the rest of my god like body.
But, since I am wearing nothing but black, the eyes usually go to one thing that stands out...my yellow smiley button.
Now, this woman, she is staring. She is burning a hole right through, that stare is so intense.
Finally I ask, "See anything you like?"
She points to the button and says, "How can you wear something like that?"
I say, "Well, you see, it has a pin attached to the back of that. I use that to hold it to my jacket, to keep it from falling off."
She completely ignores my genius quip, and says, "You shouldn't be wearing something like that with that recent tragedy."
Now, I could immediately tell this woman was lacking when it came to intelligence. She had that generic Wal-Mart brand soda in her shopping cart and a gallon of Edy's ice cream. Knowing what I was dealing with, I could pretty much guess what tragedy she was talking about.
I reminded her, "Well, Mam. Anna Nicole wasn't shot. She died from stuffing her fat face with to many scrips. I only wished fans of her, like yourself, and taken the same road the Nirvana fans took when Cobain offed himself and followed suit."
She scoffed and said, "I am not talking about that woman. I am talking about Virginia Tech."
I rolled my eyes.
I said, "Listen lady, I've had this button for a year now. I'm not going to take it off just because some Korean kid got dumped by his imaginary girlfriend and decided to vent a little by Columbining his way up and down the campus."
Now, at this point, she starts hyperventilating. Funniest damn thing you ever seen. I grab one of the counter mags and start fanning her. (Ironically enough, it was one with a VT Massacre cover story.)
She sits down right there in the aisle, and everyone else in line is gawking at us.
I tell the cashier she'd better call for help. The two guys in front of me have rushed to her side to help her up to see if she's all right.
The cashier called for help over the intercom. I took one last look at the woman and said, "Nice talking to you. Have a nice day." And went up to the cashier.
I laid down my WKRP In Cincinnati DVD Box Set in front of her and said, "I'm ready to check out now."
She looked at my button and asked, "What, you don't like Wal-Mart?"
I smiled and said, "Quite the contrary, I love it!"
The Soldier's Wife
Yet more proof that some women can get too emotional when it comes to certain situations.
A few days ago, my cousin got news that her husband lost his life while fighting in Iraq.
Today was the memorial service.
Now, my parents made me go, because she was family and needed our support.
I would have rather stayed home and slept, but oh well. There was going to be free food.
We got to the service and there was much crying and whatnot.
I did my best to avoid my crappy family, but it was still inevitable.
After a while, we all sat down to listen to family talk about the dude. I hardly knew the guy so I really didn't care.
Then my cousin began to talk.
She went on and on, talking about how much her dead husband loved this country and died defending our freedoms keeping us safe.
That was it, I had enough.
I stood up and said, "He didn't die doing any of that stuff. He died in a crappy, unnescesary war. We are not over there fighting terrorists who would attack America, we are over there fighting for George Bush's personal reasons. You want to see true patriotism, watch this!"
I then took one of the little American flags that was on the memorial wreath and I took my lighter out and burned it.
If I had thought my cousin was being super-emo before, she really it the all time high on the emo scale then.
After I was thrown out, my parents made sure to tell me what a disappointment I was.
I didn't even want to be there.
A few days ago, my cousin got news that her husband lost his life while fighting in Iraq.
Today was the memorial service.
Now, my parents made me go, because she was family and needed our support.
I would have rather stayed home and slept, but oh well. There was going to be free food.
We got to the service and there was much crying and whatnot.
I did my best to avoid my crappy family, but it was still inevitable.
After a while, we all sat down to listen to family talk about the dude. I hardly knew the guy so I really didn't care.
Then my cousin began to talk.
She went on and on, talking about how much her dead husband loved this country and died defending our freedoms keeping us safe.
That was it, I had enough.
I stood up and said, "He didn't die doing any of that stuff. He died in a crappy, unnescesary war. We are not over there fighting terrorists who would attack America, we are over there fighting for George Bush's personal reasons. You want to see true patriotism, watch this!"
I then took one of the little American flags that was on the memorial wreath and I took my lighter out and burned it.
If I had thought my cousin was being super-emo before, she really it the all time high on the emo scale then.
After I was thrown out, my parents made sure to tell me what a disappointment I was.
I didn't even want to be there.
Another Bad Date
I swear, I need to move. The women in this town just ain't cutting it.
So, I get this girls number and we set up a date. We meet at Applebee's to have dinner.
We have typical date conversation.
Finally, I tell her I'm a bit of a funny man.
She brightens, saying she likes to hear good jokes and she says she wants me to tell one.
Deciding to come up with a joke on the spot, I told her this:
"How did the teenage girl get rid of her dead baby?"
She got a real funny look on her face, I knew she wasn't going to attempt to answer.
So I told her, "She flushed it down the toilet!"
I had a laugh and my brilliant little joke, but she just simply looked at her plate and didn't say a word.
She whispered something. I could just barely hear it, but I knew the date was over.
She excused herself and stiffed me with the entire bill.
Another oversensitive woman. Seriously, this town is full of them.
Oh yeah, what she said.
She said...."I had a miscarriage two years ago."
So, I get this girls number and we set up a date. We meet at Applebee's to have dinner.
We have typical date conversation.
Finally, I tell her I'm a bit of a funny man.
She brightens, saying she likes to hear good jokes and she says she wants me to tell one.
Deciding to come up with a joke on the spot, I told her this:
"How did the teenage girl get rid of her dead baby?"
She got a real funny look on her face, I knew she wasn't going to attempt to answer.
So I told her, "She flushed it down the toilet!"
I had a laugh and my brilliant little joke, but she just simply looked at her plate and didn't say a word.
She whispered something. I could just barely hear it, but I knew the date was over.
She excused herself and stiffed me with the entire bill.
Another oversensitive woman. Seriously, this town is full of them.
Oh yeah, what she said.
She said...."I had a miscarriage two years ago."
Dealing With Pregnant Women
At long last, my great-grandfather kicked the bucket.
All of those years of pretending to be interested in how he fought is some war finally paid off. He left me 500 dollars in his wll.
I would have gotten more, if it were not for my damn cousins.
Anyway, I decided I wanted to have a little fun with my 500.
Now, you know me, I like a good practical joke.
I decided I wanted to play a little trick on a pregnant woman. I find that people with a high emotional unbalance are the best to get.
Just so you know, I never intended to go on with what I offered her, because I would never give a pregnant woman money...not even if I were the one who knocked her up.
Anyway, I found one. She looked to be 7 months in. She was sitting at a bus stop.
I sat next to her and pulled out 5 100 dollar bills.
I told, "This could be yours. All you have to do is let me do something while you are giving birth."
She looked startled, but curious. So she asked what.
At this point, I almost lost it. I did everything I could to hold the laughter in.
I said, "I want to have sex with you".
One word escaped her face, which was twisted with repulsion and horror. And what I said after that made her face even more so, which I never thought was possible.
She had asked why.
I said, "Becasue I want my dick to have head and pussy at the same time".
Now, it's quite a site to see a pregnant woman run so fast.
I wonder why she needed to take the bus.
All of those years of pretending to be interested in how he fought is some war finally paid off. He left me 500 dollars in his wll.
I would have gotten more, if it were not for my damn cousins.
Anyway, I decided I wanted to have a little fun with my 500.
Now, you know me, I like a good practical joke.
I decided I wanted to play a little trick on a pregnant woman. I find that people with a high emotional unbalance are the best to get.
Just so you know, I never intended to go on with what I offered her, because I would never give a pregnant woman money...not even if I were the one who knocked her up.
Anyway, I found one. She looked to be 7 months in. She was sitting at a bus stop.
I sat next to her and pulled out 5 100 dollar bills.
I told, "This could be yours. All you have to do is let me do something while you are giving birth."
She looked startled, but curious. So she asked what.
At this point, I almost lost it. I did everything I could to hold the laughter in.
I said, "I want to have sex with you".
One word escaped her face, which was twisted with repulsion and horror. And what I said after that made her face even more so, which I never thought was possible.
She had asked why.
I said, "Becasue I want my dick to have head and pussy at the same time".
Now, it's quite a site to see a pregnant woman run so fast.
I wonder why she needed to take the bus.
Giving Advice to Co-Workers
Now, I do my best to get along with the people I work with. Everyone works better in a friendly environment.
But sometimes, it's hard to be nice when you are working with such annoyance.
For example, this gay guy I work with.
You should know, that I don't care who's sleeping with who...all I care about is who is sleeping with me...unless I paid for them, then I don't care about them at all.
Now, this gay guy is flamboyant. Really.
And he's sensitive too. He hates all of my good jokes. He wouldn't talk to me for two days after I told him the Poor Blind Herbie joke.
Anyway, he and one of the females were talking about an audition that he was going to.
I came in on the conversation and I decided to offer him advice..real advice.
His problem was this....he was going to audition in Chicago for some Dancing Reality Show. He really wanted to go and do this, and was confident that he would get on the show. It's his dream. But, he doesn't want to lose his job.
I tell him, "Dude. it's your dream. You don't go out and follow it, you will regret it."
Now, I'm telling him the basic cliches of following your dreams, and like the gullible bastard he is, he is eating them up.
Finally, I convince him to go to Chicago.
He thanks me up and down and says that I'm not such a bad guy after all.
I tell him I can't wait until he is famous. I tell him I want to be able to go to his IMDB profile message board to tell people "Hey, I know that guy!".
He gets all giddy with excitement at the thought of having his own message boards.
Then I say:
"Yeah, I'll tell people on there I know you, and not to vote for you, because you are a jackass!"
It's funny to watch a grown man cry.
But sometimes, it's hard to be nice when you are working with such annoyance.
For example, this gay guy I work with.
You should know, that I don't care who's sleeping with who...all I care about is who is sleeping with me...unless I paid for them, then I don't care about them at all.
Now, this gay guy is flamboyant. Really.
And he's sensitive too. He hates all of my good jokes. He wouldn't talk to me for two days after I told him the Poor Blind Herbie joke.
Anyway, he and one of the females were talking about an audition that he was going to.
I came in on the conversation and I decided to offer him advice..real advice.
His problem was this....he was going to audition in Chicago for some Dancing Reality Show. He really wanted to go and do this, and was confident that he would get on the show. It's his dream. But, he doesn't want to lose his job.
I tell him, "Dude. it's your dream. You don't go out and follow it, you will regret it."
Now, I'm telling him the basic cliches of following your dreams, and like the gullible bastard he is, he is eating them up.
Finally, I convince him to go to Chicago.
He thanks me up and down and says that I'm not such a bad guy after all.
I tell him I can't wait until he is famous. I tell him I want to be able to go to his IMDB profile message board to tell people "Hey, I know that guy!".
He gets all giddy with excitement at the thought of having his own message boards.
Then I say:
"Yeah, I'll tell people on there I know you, and not to vote for you, because you are a jackass!"
It's funny to watch a grown man cry.
Meeting a Gorgeous Woman
It all started a few weeks back.
I was at Subway, eating a 12 inch sweet onion chicken teriyaki, when the impossible happened:
The most beautiful woman I have ever seen in real life sat in a booth next to mine...alone
She was absolutely stunning. A woman such as this had no right being in such a crappy town as mine.
Now, I am not a shy kind of guy. If I see a woman I like, I will go up to her, but in this case, I just couldn't.
A woman of such beauty needs to be approached delicately.
So, I did what any guy would do...I stalked her.
I found out where she worked, where she lived, hell, I got all of her routine down.
What time she went to and got back from work, when she let her dog outside to play, the nights she went out to eat.
Finally, I came up with a plan. I knew how I could approach her and make her mine.
I got a buddy of mine to switch vehicles with me.
I got into his red Toyota and parked two blocks away from my dream girls house.
I got on my binoculars and waited.
And right on schedule, she let her dog out.
Now, the street she lived on was not a high traffic street, so the dog didn't really fear being out in the street.
I waited for the dog to get in position, and I made my move.
I turned on the Toyota and gunned it...the dog never had a chance. It was roadkill.
After painting the road with the dog's insides, I traveled another block and made a left...to where my buddy was waiting...in my jeep.
I got into my jeep and headed down another road and turned back onto her street.
I stopped in front of her house and picked up the dog...careful not to get my clothes stained with it's blood and intestines...at least that's what I think those were.
Anyway, I walked up to her house and knocked on the door.
She answered and saw my grisly gift, and burst into tears.
"Sparky", she cried.
I did my best acting, I said, "I am so sorry, I just found him on the road. I didn't see what happened."
She took the canine corpse from my hands and laid it down.
She then hugged me.
Ah...such a glorious moment....ruined by a nosy neighbor.
I heard the shrill voice of an 80 year old woman cry out, "Jade, Jade, he's the one, he's the one who hit Sparky!"
She let go of me and looked at me with a look I'm all to familiar with.
The old woman came up to us.
She said, "I saw it happen. It was you, you were in a red truck, but it was you!"
I said, "It was somebody that probably looked like me."
She said, "No, I may be an old woman, but my eyes are as good as they ever have been. I know it was you, because I have seen you driving up and down this road for weeks now."
I said, "You stupid old bitch" and ran toward my jeep and got the hell out of there.
I hate old people.
I was at Subway, eating a 12 inch sweet onion chicken teriyaki, when the impossible happened:
The most beautiful woman I have ever seen in real life sat in a booth next to mine...alone
She was absolutely stunning. A woman such as this had no right being in such a crappy town as mine.
Now, I am not a shy kind of guy. If I see a woman I like, I will go up to her, but in this case, I just couldn't.
A woman of such beauty needs to be approached delicately.
So, I did what any guy would do...I stalked her.
I found out where she worked, where she lived, hell, I got all of her routine down.
What time she went to and got back from work, when she let her dog outside to play, the nights she went out to eat.
Finally, I came up with a plan. I knew how I could approach her and make her mine.
I got a buddy of mine to switch vehicles with me.
I got into his red Toyota and parked two blocks away from my dream girls house.
I got on my binoculars and waited.
And right on schedule, she let her dog out.
Now, the street she lived on was not a high traffic street, so the dog didn't really fear being out in the street.
I waited for the dog to get in position, and I made my move.
I turned on the Toyota and gunned it...the dog never had a chance. It was roadkill.
After painting the road with the dog's insides, I traveled another block and made a left...to where my buddy was waiting...in my jeep.
I got into my jeep and headed down another road and turned back onto her street.
I stopped in front of her house and picked up the dog...careful not to get my clothes stained with it's blood and intestines...at least that's what I think those were.
Anyway, I walked up to her house and knocked on the door.
She answered and saw my grisly gift, and burst into tears.
"Sparky", she cried.
I did my best acting, I said, "I am so sorry, I just found him on the road. I didn't see what happened."
She took the canine corpse from my hands and laid it down.
She then hugged me.
Ah...such a glorious moment....ruined by a nosy neighbor.
I heard the shrill voice of an 80 year old woman cry out, "Jade, Jade, he's the one, he's the one who hit Sparky!"
She let go of me and looked at me with a look I'm all to familiar with.
The old woman came up to us.
She said, "I saw it happen. It was you, you were in a red truck, but it was you!"
I said, "It was somebody that probably looked like me."
She said, "No, I may be an old woman, but my eyes are as good as they ever have been. I know it was you, because I have seen you driving up and down this road for weeks now."
I said, "You stupid old bitch" and ran toward my jeep and got the hell out of there.
I hate old people.
Santa Clausizzle
A coworker of mine, whom for purposes of the story I must reveal is black, was talking about dressing up as Santa Clause for his children on Christmas this year.
Not being a part of the conversation, I naturally chimed in.
I said that would not be a good idea.
He asked me why.
I told him that his children have been conditioned to believe that Santa Clause is a jolly old white elf.
He retorted with that he would tell his children that Santa Clause changes colors and ethnicity from household to household.
I scoffed at the very idea, I told him, if it were up to me, I would tell his children there was no Santa or god for that matter. And his idea of a multi-cultural Santa Clause was absurd and he was a fool for even coming up with such an idea.
He got defensive and asked what my deal was.
I asked him, "what about interracial families?"
He said it didn't matter, it was just his kids he was going to tell.
I told him fine, go ahead and show your love to your brats by spewing nonsense lies to them.
He of course stated that I was making too much of a deal out of it.
I then told him that it was imperative to have his kids believe that Santa Clause was a white man that gave out free hand outs to black people because that would prepare them for the real world.
I ducked just in time.
Not being a part of the conversation, I naturally chimed in.
I said that would not be a good idea.
He asked me why.
I told him that his children have been conditioned to believe that Santa Clause is a jolly old white elf.
He retorted with that he would tell his children that Santa Clause changes colors and ethnicity from household to household.
I scoffed at the very idea, I told him, if it were up to me, I would tell his children there was no Santa or god for that matter. And his idea of a multi-cultural Santa Clause was absurd and he was a fool for even coming up with such an idea.
He got defensive and asked what my deal was.
I asked him, "what about interracial families?"
He said it didn't matter, it was just his kids he was going to tell.
I told him fine, go ahead and show your love to your brats by spewing nonsense lies to them.
He of course stated that I was making too much of a deal out of it.
I then told him that it was imperative to have his kids believe that Santa Clause was a white man that gave out free hand outs to black people because that would prepare them for the real world.
I ducked just in time.
American Idol
One night, I watched the idol with my 9 year old daughter last night. Her mother and I have been separated for some time now, so I usually get my kid for the weekends.
Well, my ex had to go out of town for some business thing, so I got to have my daughter for the night last night.
Knowing my daughter, I know she liked American Idol. Although I hadn't spoken with her about the Idol since the new season started, I was very excited for the chance to get to watch an episode with her.
As we watched, Sanjaya started to sing. My daughter turns to me and says, "I hope he wins, he's my favorite."
Now, before you read this next part, you should be aware that I love my daughter to death and would stop the world for her if she asked me too.
But when she said she wanted Sanjaya to win, something in me snapped.
I don't know what it was, maybe it was the fact that I hate the Sanjaya and had wished that his hot sister made it through and not him, maybe it was the fact that I expected better judgment from my daughter, I don't know.
But when she said that, I got up and slapped her and sent her to her room.
This morning, I got her ready for school. Her mother was back in time to pick her up. Her mother asked her what was wrong, as my daughter is usually chirpy in the morning.
My daughter said nothing, and they went off to school.
An hour later, I got the call from my ex.
She asked, "Did you slap our daughter?'
I said, "yes, but she deserved it."
Then my ex, being the bitch that she is, went off on a rant.
To make a long rant short, she basically said that I would not be getting my daughter on the weekends and that she would be taking me to court for full custody.
Way to go Sanjaya, your terrible singing has ruined a family.
Well, my ex had to go out of town for some business thing, so I got to have my daughter for the night last night.
Knowing my daughter, I know she liked American Idol. Although I hadn't spoken with her about the Idol since the new season started, I was very excited for the chance to get to watch an episode with her.
As we watched, Sanjaya started to sing. My daughter turns to me and says, "I hope he wins, he's my favorite."
Now, before you read this next part, you should be aware that I love my daughter to death and would stop the world for her if she asked me too.
But when she said she wanted Sanjaya to win, something in me snapped.
I don't know what it was, maybe it was the fact that I hate the Sanjaya and had wished that his hot sister made it through and not him, maybe it was the fact that I expected better judgment from my daughter, I don't know.
But when she said that, I got up and slapped her and sent her to her room.
This morning, I got her ready for school. Her mother was back in time to pick her up. Her mother asked her what was wrong, as my daughter is usually chirpy in the morning.
My daughter said nothing, and they went off to school.
An hour later, I got the call from my ex.
She asked, "Did you slap our daughter?'
I said, "yes, but she deserved it."
Then my ex, being the bitch that she is, went off on a rant.
To make a long rant short, she basically said that I would not be getting my daughter on the weekends and that she would be taking me to court for full custody.
Way to go Sanjaya, your terrible singing has ruined a family.
Dante Didn't Get It
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, I work 3rd shift at Arby's to bring in some extra cash.
The Arby's I work at is attached to a "One Stop" convenient store/gas station.
Last Saturday, I went over to the store to get some Lotto Tickets. That's when I first saw the new guy getting trained to work thirds there.
And I swear to the gawds, he looks exactly like Dante Hicks from the Clerks movies.
I went back over to Arby's and the boss and I had a good laugh about the similarities.
The other night, I went in for my Thursday shift. "Dante" was working over at the gas station, which was odd, cause Nancy usually worked thirds on Thursdays.
I decided to have a little fun.
I went over to him and told him to say "I'm not even supposed to be here today."
He said, "How did you know I got called in."
I said, " Since Nancy wasn't here, I just kinda figured, anyway say it."
He says, "Ok. I'm not supposed to be here today."
But he didn't say it in that whiny pitch...but you take what you can get I guess.
Later on, I walk back to the drinks and yell out to him, "Hey man, let me get a Gatorade!"
He says, "You have to pay for it."
I say, "No. You have to say 'If I give you a Gatorade, then I have to give everybody a Gatorade."
He says, "But you are the only one in here."
I say. "Never mind."
Later, I go up to the counter and ask him if he has a girlfriend.
He says yes.
I ask him, "Did she suck 37 dicks?"
He then takes a swing at me.
Thanks to my cat-like reflexes, I ninja dodge out of the way.
He yells, "Don't be talking shit about my girlfriend!"
I say, "Don't you get it dude? This is all from Clerks. You've seen it."
He says, "No, I haven't."
I say, "You mean to tell me, that you work in a convenient store, you look like Dante Hicks, and you've never seen Clerks."
He says, "That's right".
I say, "That's pathetic dude. Give me your girl's address. I go over there and give her number 38."
He then attempts to jump over the counter. However, he gets his foot caught on the ledge and falls face first to the floor.
I laughed and went back to work.
Last night, when I went in, I found out the owner of the convenient store saw the tape of him trying to punch me and him trying to bad ass bounce over the counter. He got canned.
And he wasn't even supposed to be there that day.
The Arby's I work at is attached to a "One Stop" convenient store/gas station.
Last Saturday, I went over to the store to get some Lotto Tickets. That's when I first saw the new guy getting trained to work thirds there.
And I swear to the gawds, he looks exactly like Dante Hicks from the Clerks movies.
I went back over to Arby's and the boss and I had a good laugh about the similarities.
The other night, I went in for my Thursday shift. "Dante" was working over at the gas station, which was odd, cause Nancy usually worked thirds on Thursdays.
I decided to have a little fun.
I went over to him and told him to say "I'm not even supposed to be here today."
He said, "How did you know I got called in."
I said, " Since Nancy wasn't here, I just kinda figured, anyway say it."
He says, "Ok. I'm not supposed to be here today."
But he didn't say it in that whiny pitch...but you take what you can get I guess.
Later on, I walk back to the drinks and yell out to him, "Hey man, let me get a Gatorade!"
He says, "You have to pay for it."
I say, "No. You have to say 'If I give you a Gatorade, then I have to give everybody a Gatorade."
He says, "But you are the only one in here."
I say. "Never mind."
Later, I go up to the counter and ask him if he has a girlfriend.
He says yes.
I ask him, "Did she suck 37 dicks?"
He then takes a swing at me.
Thanks to my cat-like reflexes, I ninja dodge out of the way.
He yells, "Don't be talking shit about my girlfriend!"
I say, "Don't you get it dude? This is all from Clerks. You've seen it."
He says, "No, I haven't."
I say, "You mean to tell me, that you work in a convenient store, you look like Dante Hicks, and you've never seen Clerks."
He says, "That's right".
I say, "That's pathetic dude. Give me your girl's address. I go over there and give her number 38."
He then attempts to jump over the counter. However, he gets his foot caught on the ledge and falls face first to the floor.
I laughed and went back to work.
Last night, when I went in, I found out the owner of the convenient store saw the tape of him trying to punch me and him trying to bad ass bounce over the counter. He got canned.
And he wasn't even supposed to be there that day.
Oh Deer
Saturday Night.
I was on a third date with this hot little number I met at the Bowling Alley. She was a good girl, crazy bout Elvis. Loved horses and America too. But that's not really important.
What is important is I have yet to bed this girl...and after what happened last night, I doubt I ever will.
I had only gotten to first base with this girl, after the second date, and I wasn't expecting coach to signal me to second base last night. The reason being: I had to work 3rd shift at my job.
Well, 9:30PM came along and I had to get ready, so we finished our date I drove her home.
10 years of driving in Indiana and I had yet to hit a deer. That changed last night.
Well, I should offer a correction to that, the deer hit me.
We were driving along the country road, cause she lived in the country, and out of nowhere, this deer come jumping out of the bushes.
Right into the side of my jeep.
We hear the thump, I yell out an expletive, she scream out, but I continue to drive. After all, it's not like I collided with some kid or something.
She pleads with me to stop to see if the deer is all right.
I tell her it's the deer's own **bleep** fault for being stupid.
Well, I could tell she was really upset about it and since I really liked her, I decided to go back to see if the deer was roadkill or not.
I turned off into the side road to turn around. As I started to back up, the back wheels went over a bump. I reversed all the way and the front wheels went over the bump as well.
Except there was no bump when I pulled in there...it was the deer. Apparently..it had got caught on my fended and we dragged it for about 50 yards.
She screams out "Oh my, the poor thing!!!"
I just shrugged.
She said, "Go out there and see how it's doing."
I went to open my door.
Now, before I continue with this tale, there is something I need to tell you about. My driver side door was broken for the longest time. It was about ready to fall off. I had to wait until I got my tax refund checks to get it fixed. It cost quite a bit.
So....back to the story. I went to open my door.
It wouldn't open. The deer had struck it so hard..it jammed it shut.
Now I was pissed.
I told her she needed to get out so I could climb out of the passenger side.
She got out and so did I.
We both walked up to the deer and saw it was really hurt.
I looked at the side of my jeep..dented all to hell. Tried my door again. It would budge.
I go back over to her and the deer.
She was kneeling down next to thing, stroking it's head and telling it, "It'll be ok. It'll be ok".
I tell her, "If the thing was smart enough to understand English, then it would be smart enough not to dive head first onto a two ton vehicle going 45 miles per hour."
She looks up at me, tears rolling down her cheeks, and said, "I'm just trying to comfort it. It's going to die. You should put it out of it's misery."
Now, normally, I'd hate to see such a creature suffer like that. But the thought of all the money I put in to get that door fixed and the fact that this stupid beast decided it wanted to Hunter S. Thompson itself by diving into the side of my jeep, I had other plans.
I got into the passenger side and grabbed my Dr. Pepper.
I then leaned up against my jeep and stared at the deer.
My date looked at me, puzzled, and asked, "What are you doing?"
I took a drink and smiled. I said, "I'm going to watch this thing suffer and die".
Now, whenever I say something particularly evil, I always have to give out a good chuckle. But the look of horror that appeared on my date's face when I said that..well, I had to laugh really loud.
About ten minutes later, the deer finally dies. By this time, she's already back in the jeep, just sitting there crying.
I drive her home, she's not speaking. When she gets out to leave, I tell her I'll call her. She doesn't respond.
I get home.
I go to check my door one more time when something finally dawns on me....
I took out my keys and unlocked my door.
It opened up fine.
I was on a third date with this hot little number I met at the Bowling Alley. She was a good girl, crazy bout Elvis. Loved horses and America too. But that's not really important.
What is important is I have yet to bed this girl...and after what happened last night, I doubt I ever will.
I had only gotten to first base with this girl, after the second date, and I wasn't expecting coach to signal me to second base last night. The reason being: I had to work 3rd shift at my job.
Well, 9:30PM came along and I had to get ready, so we finished our date I drove her home.
10 years of driving in Indiana and I had yet to hit a deer. That changed last night.
Well, I should offer a correction to that, the deer hit me.
We were driving along the country road, cause she lived in the country, and out of nowhere, this deer come jumping out of the bushes.
Right into the side of my jeep.
We hear the thump, I yell out an expletive, she scream out, but I continue to drive. After all, it's not like I collided with some kid or something.
She pleads with me to stop to see if the deer is all right.
I tell her it's the deer's own **bleep** fault for being stupid.
Well, I could tell she was really upset about it and since I really liked her, I decided to go back to see if the deer was roadkill or not.
I turned off into the side road to turn around. As I started to back up, the back wheels went over a bump. I reversed all the way and the front wheels went over the bump as well.
Except there was no bump when I pulled in there...it was the deer. Apparently..it had got caught on my fended and we dragged it for about 50 yards.
She screams out "Oh my, the poor thing!!!"
I just shrugged.
She said, "Go out there and see how it's doing."
I went to open my door.
Now, before I continue with this tale, there is something I need to tell you about. My driver side door was broken for the longest time. It was about ready to fall off. I had to wait until I got my tax refund checks to get it fixed. It cost quite a bit.
So....back to the story. I went to open my door.
It wouldn't open. The deer had struck it so hard..it jammed it shut.
Now I was pissed.
I told her she needed to get out so I could climb out of the passenger side.
She got out and so did I.
We both walked up to the deer and saw it was really hurt.
I looked at the side of my jeep..dented all to hell. Tried my door again. It would budge.
I go back over to her and the deer.
She was kneeling down next to thing, stroking it's head and telling it, "It'll be ok. It'll be ok".
I tell her, "If the thing was smart enough to understand English, then it would be smart enough not to dive head first onto a two ton vehicle going 45 miles per hour."
She looks up at me, tears rolling down her cheeks, and said, "I'm just trying to comfort it. It's going to die. You should put it out of it's misery."
Now, normally, I'd hate to see such a creature suffer like that. But the thought of all the money I put in to get that door fixed and the fact that this stupid beast decided it wanted to Hunter S. Thompson itself by diving into the side of my jeep, I had other plans.
I got into the passenger side and grabbed my Dr. Pepper.
I then leaned up against my jeep and stared at the deer.
My date looked at me, puzzled, and asked, "What are you doing?"
I took a drink and smiled. I said, "I'm going to watch this thing suffer and die".
Now, whenever I say something particularly evil, I always have to give out a good chuckle. But the look of horror that appeared on my date's face when I said that..well, I had to laugh really loud.
About ten minutes later, the deer finally dies. By this time, she's already back in the jeep, just sitting there crying.
I drive her home, she's not speaking. When she gets out to leave, I tell her I'll call her. She doesn't respond.
I get home.
I go to check my door one more time when something finally dawns on me....
I took out my keys and unlocked my door.
It opened up fine.
I Got A Girl Beat Up
Or at least that's what she is saying. It's all her own fault, and by end of this, if you don't agree with that, you need to be hit too.
It all started three days ago.
This annoying skank at, who does more talking on the phone then she does actual work, decided to lecture me about being sensitive to other people's feelings after I upset another co-worker after telling him a little joke about cancer, not knowing his mother had breast cancer.
Anyway, I did by best to nail it into her brainless skull that I did not care about him, his mother, or more importantly, her.
So, later that night I got a small opportunity for revenge.
The boss answered the phone and screamed the tramp that her it was her boyfriend. She got on the portable phone.
Now knowing, mostly from her babbling about it, that her boyfriend is the real jealous type, I decided to yell a little something to the dumb broad while she was talking to him.
I got behind her and yelled, "Hey, Tricia, Sammy wanted me to tell you that he will be home when you get off work tonight, so just walk right on in and strip down."
She gave me a horrified look and then cried into the phone, "No no! That's just my stupid co-worker. No! He was joking! No, there is no Sammy. No baby, I love you!"
She then hung up the phone and (thankfully) was quiet the rest of night.
Fast forward to the present.
She comes to work with a black eye.
She won't tell anybody how she got it, but she comes up to me, points to her eye and says, "I I got this because of you."
So, her boyfriend hit her because I was joking around. It's her own fault for being with somebody like that.
But that's not the end of it.
Later that night, I answered the phone. It was her boyfriend. He asked if he could talk to her. I told him she hadn't come into work that night.
He sounded really pissed when he said, "If you see her, have her call me."
I hung up the phone and I went over to her, balled up my fist, and said,
"Brace yourself, your boyfriend wanted me to give you a message."
It all started three days ago.
This annoying skank at, who does more talking on the phone then she does actual work, decided to lecture me about being sensitive to other people's feelings after I upset another co-worker after telling him a little joke about cancer, not knowing his mother had breast cancer.
Anyway, I did by best to nail it into her brainless skull that I did not care about him, his mother, or more importantly, her.
So, later that night I got a small opportunity for revenge.
The boss answered the phone and screamed the tramp that her it was her boyfriend. She got on the portable phone.
Now knowing, mostly from her babbling about it, that her boyfriend is the real jealous type, I decided to yell a little something to the dumb broad while she was talking to him.
I got behind her and yelled, "Hey, Tricia, Sammy wanted me to tell you that he will be home when you get off work tonight, so just walk right on in and strip down."
She gave me a horrified look and then cried into the phone, "No no! That's just my stupid co-worker. No! He was joking! No, there is no Sammy. No baby, I love you!"
She then hung up the phone and (thankfully) was quiet the rest of night.
Fast forward to the present.
She comes to work with a black eye.
She won't tell anybody how she got it, but she comes up to me, points to her eye and says, "I I got this because of you."
So, her boyfriend hit her because I was joking around. It's her own fault for being with somebody like that.
But that's not the end of it.
Later that night, I answered the phone. It was her boyfriend. He asked if he could talk to her. I told him she hadn't come into work that night.
He sounded really pissed when he said, "If you see her, have her call me."
I hung up the phone and I went over to her, balled up my fist, and said,
"Brace yourself, your boyfriend wanted me to give you a message."
In Which An Old Co-Worker Updates Me On Her Life
I went to work yesterday. And there was a new girl working..
She kept glancing at me. Not in the usual, "good god he is sexy and I want his body poured all over me" way, but in the quizzical intrigued kind of way.
Like I do most of my coworkers, I ignored her and went on with my job.
A little later, she came up to me and said" Now I remember where I know you from!"
I said, "I swear, I was going to call you back, but my Uncle was killed by ninja pirates."
She laughed, one of those annoying grating laughs, and said, "No silly, we worked at Taco Bell together."
Now I worked at Taco Bell for eight years. I've seen so many people come and go through there that there is enough of them to keep Paris Hilton busy for a month.
So, this girl I do not remember at all.
So I tell her, "Yeah, that's right. Say, how have you been?"
She says, "Well, the last time you saw me, I had two kids. Now I have four."
I say, "What a coincidence, that rhymes with whore!"
Now of course, she gets upset. And she runs off to the boss.
The boss comes over to yell at me and I defend myself by mentioning that this girl is only twenty and has already pushed a Barbershop Quartet out of her all-access hole.
She screams, "I love my boyfriend!"
I say, " I love macaroni and cheese, but I don't eat it every day!"*
I love my job.
* Thanks Groucho.
She kept glancing at me. Not in the usual, "good god he is sexy and I want his body poured all over me" way, but in the quizzical intrigued kind of way.
Like I do most of my coworkers, I ignored her and went on with my job.
A little later, she came up to me and said" Now I remember where I know you from!"
I said, "I swear, I was going to call you back, but my Uncle was killed by ninja pirates."
She laughed, one of those annoying grating laughs, and said, "No silly, we worked at Taco Bell together."
Now I worked at Taco Bell for eight years. I've seen so many people come and go through there that there is enough of them to keep Paris Hilton busy for a month.
So, this girl I do not remember at all.
So I tell her, "Yeah, that's right. Say, how have you been?"
She says, "Well, the last time you saw me, I had two kids. Now I have four."
I say, "What a coincidence, that rhymes with whore!"
Now of course, she gets upset. And she runs off to the boss.
The boss comes over to yell at me and I defend myself by mentioning that this girl is only twenty and has already pushed a Barbershop Quartet out of her all-access hole.
She screams, "I love my boyfriend!"
I say, " I love macaroni and cheese, but I don't eat it every day!"*
I love my job.
* Thanks Groucho.
Eating Out
My friends and I decide to go to this China Buffet restaurant that everybody in my town has been raving about.
We find a table and head over to the buffet.
Halfway through our meal, this overweight, ugly as sin woman comes up to the table.
Now, I'm eating Chinese food and this is the last thing I want to be seeing.
She begins mumbling at me and finally spits out that she wants my phone number.
Since this fugly bitch had the nerve to interrupt my dinner and the conversation I was having with my friends, I wasn't going to let her down easy.
I tell her, "There is no chance in hell you are getting my number. Wait a second, let me put it another way, if you were the last female on earth, I would go gay."
Her eyes begin to water. We watched her go back to her table, grab her plate, and load up on the buffet.
She sits down and starts pigging out. I damn near lost my appetite.
But that's not all.
A minute later, her friend comes charging over to our table.
Now the friend is hot.
She gets in my face and says, "You insensitive prick!"
I said, "No, you just have to lick the bottom of the head."
She goes off on a rant.
"Don't you get smart with me. Your giggling friends here might think you are cute, but I think you are an ugly man. How dare you say those things to her. We get her confidence built up to ask you out and you stomp all over her. She has an eating disorder! She finds comfort in food and now we won't be able to stop her. It's guys like you that just make me sick!"
I respond with, "You are even sexier when you are angry."
She then performs the ultimate "angry at dinner" cliche and throws a glass of water in my face.
As I'm cleaning off my face, I see that angry **bleep** went to the bathroom.
I got up and went over to the fugly bitch.
I whispered in her ear, "Before your friend went off on that little rant, she told me she didn't blame me for turning you down and said she would have sex with me if I allowed her to cause that scene."
The restaurant ended up charging her for two buffet dinners.
We find a table and head over to the buffet.
Halfway through our meal, this overweight, ugly as sin woman comes up to the table.
Now, I'm eating Chinese food and this is the last thing I want to be seeing.
She begins mumbling at me and finally spits out that she wants my phone number.
Since this fugly bitch had the nerve to interrupt my dinner and the conversation I was having with my friends, I wasn't going to let her down easy.
I tell her, "There is no chance in hell you are getting my number. Wait a second, let me put it another way, if you were the last female on earth, I would go gay."
Her eyes begin to water. We watched her go back to her table, grab her plate, and load up on the buffet.
She sits down and starts pigging out. I damn near lost my appetite.
But that's not all.
A minute later, her friend comes charging over to our table.
Now the friend is hot.
She gets in my face and says, "You insensitive prick!"
I said, "No, you just have to lick the bottom of the head."
She goes off on a rant.
"Don't you get smart with me. Your giggling friends here might think you are cute, but I think you are an ugly man. How dare you say those things to her. We get her confidence built up to ask you out and you stomp all over her. She has an eating disorder! She finds comfort in food and now we won't be able to stop her. It's guys like you that just make me sick!"
I respond with, "You are even sexier when you are angry."
She then performs the ultimate "angry at dinner" cliche and throws a glass of water in my face.
As I'm cleaning off my face, I see that angry **bleep** went to the bathroom.
I got up and went over to the fugly bitch.
I whispered in her ear, "Before your friend went off on that little rant, she told me she didn't blame me for turning you down and said she would have sex with me if I allowed her to cause that scene."
The restaurant ended up charging her for two buffet dinners.
Here Wii Go
20 Units to sell at Wal-Mart.
30 people already in line.
A dilemma.
The time was 10:30 PM. I didn't have much time to work.
I quickly made a call to the only person I knew who could help me.
Thankfully, he was home.
I asked him if his family still had that wheelchair his sister was in after she was in that skiing accident.
He said yes.
Game on.
A five minute drive to his house, and I got to work.
I made out a deal with him. He would be able to play with my Wii every time he came over to his house if I could shave his head and have him do a little performance.
He agreed.
10 minutes later, he was bald.
Then some powder applied to his face, some loose fitting clothes, and a blanket a few minutes later, he was ready to sit in the wheelchair.
He looked perfect.
The wheelchair was set up in my jeep and we went to Wal-Mart.
As I rolled him into the Electronic Center, we could feel the eyes of the customers on us.
We looked at the long line of people and I said,
"Sorry Johnny. Looks like we got here late. It's ok, we'll get you a Wii next year....if you make it that long."
"Johnny" looked up at me and said in his weakest voice,
"That's ok. That's what I get for getting my hopes up."
I looked at the line and spotted exactly what I needed to see.
A few people with a tear in their eyes.
We turned around and then somebody spoke up.
"Excuse me, you guys can have my spot. I'll just get one later. You need it more than I do."
The gentleman was fifth in line.
I said,
"No sir, we can't do that. You have probably been waiting here all day."
He said,
"No, I insist. It couldn't sleep at night."
Johnny said,
"God bless you sir. God bless you."
We got in line and I got my Wii.
As soon as I purchased it, Johnny got up, folded the chair, we screamed, "So long suckers!" and hauled ass out of there.
Lucky for me, we also took his sister's old handicap parking pass and I was parked in the crip space.
We managed to pull away as a small mob of people came out of the doors.
30 people already in line.
A dilemma.
The time was 10:30 PM. I didn't have much time to work.
I quickly made a call to the only person I knew who could help me.
Thankfully, he was home.
I asked him if his family still had that wheelchair his sister was in after she was in that skiing accident.
He said yes.
Game on.
A five minute drive to his house, and I got to work.
I made out a deal with him. He would be able to play with my Wii every time he came over to his house if I could shave his head and have him do a little performance.
He agreed.
10 minutes later, he was bald.
Then some powder applied to his face, some loose fitting clothes, and a blanket a few minutes later, he was ready to sit in the wheelchair.
He looked perfect.
The wheelchair was set up in my jeep and we went to Wal-Mart.
As I rolled him into the Electronic Center, we could feel the eyes of the customers on us.
We looked at the long line of people and I said,
"Sorry Johnny. Looks like we got here late. It's ok, we'll get you a Wii next year....if you make it that long."
"Johnny" looked up at me and said in his weakest voice,
"That's ok. That's what I get for getting my hopes up."
I looked at the line and spotted exactly what I needed to see.
A few people with a tear in their eyes.
We turned around and then somebody spoke up.
"Excuse me, you guys can have my spot. I'll just get one later. You need it more than I do."
The gentleman was fifth in line.
I said,
"No sir, we can't do that. You have probably been waiting here all day."
He said,
"No, I insist. It couldn't sleep at night."
Johnny said,
"God bless you sir. God bless you."
We got in line and I got my Wii.
As soon as I purchased it, Johnny got up, folded the chair, we screamed, "So long suckers!" and hauled ass out of there.
Lucky for me, we also took his sister's old handicap parking pass and I was parked in the crip space.
We managed to pull away as a small mob of people came out of the doors.
Working With A Pregnant Chick
This happened a couple of years ago.
This chick starts working at Taco Bell. She's a hottie and she's also 2 months pregnant.
Anyway, we hit it off, and she indicates to me she would like to have a sexual encounter with me.
I tell her I won't stick my meat into the oven when there's already a turkey cooking in there.
She said that a lot of women are still sexually active during the first few months of a pregnancy.
I told her I was afraid that when I stuck it in there, the kid might latch on or something.
She said it wasn't anywhere near that developed.
I told her sorry, but I'm still not interested in having intercourse with a preggo.
Well, the next day she had called in, claiming she had a doctors appointment.
A couple days after that, she came back to work, and sure enough, she did have a doctors appointment.
With an abortionist.
A month later, she had to get another abortion.
This chick starts working at Taco Bell. She's a hottie and she's also 2 months pregnant.
Anyway, we hit it off, and she indicates to me she would like to have a sexual encounter with me.
I tell her I won't stick my meat into the oven when there's already a turkey cooking in there.
She said that a lot of women are still sexually active during the first few months of a pregnancy.
I told her I was afraid that when I stuck it in there, the kid might latch on or something.
She said it wasn't anywhere near that developed.
I told her sorry, but I'm still not interested in having intercourse with a preggo.
Well, the next day she had called in, claiming she had a doctors appointment.
A couple days after that, she came back to work, and sure enough, she did have a doctors appointment.
With an abortionist.
A month later, she had to get another abortion.
The Church Crowd
Sometimes being a manager of a fast food place has it's perks. Like this one time at Taco Bell:
As I went into work one night, I passed a couple of churches.
"Crap, it's Sunday", I thought.
Well, if you work at a fast food place and you live in a religious community, you know that there is one group of people that are the 2nd worse to serve.
The first being rowdy high schoolers. The second being the Church Crowd.
As I walked into work, I thought to myself, "No, not tonight. Tonight, I make my stand."
I went to the back and grabbed the box of letter we put out on our sign up front. I went outside int the freezing weather and put up a new sign.
It said: "Jesus didn't die so you could eat tacos".
Sure enough, church was over and in pulled a dozen or so cars.
I watched them park outside. One guy got out. looked at the sign, called out to somebody, and pointed at it.
They came inside and went up to the cashier.
"I would like to talk to your manager", the guy who pointed said.
I stepped up to the counter, identified myself as manger and asked him what the problem was.
He asked what was up with the sign out front.
I told him, "Well sir. It's almost Christmas. We here at Taco Bell would like to remind our customers what the holiday is all about. It's all about Jesus dying to absolve us from eating tacos."
He was flabbergasted. He told me, "Jesus died for our sins."
I looked at him with the most serious face I could put on and said, "Eating tacos is a sin, sir."
That caused quite an uproar. The Church Crowd started to shout.
I yelled at them to be quite. I went and grabbed a taco.
I held it up and said, " Do you see it's shape? This taco resembles a certain part of the female body. And what of the burritos? To even the most decent of minds, the burrito recalls the male sexual organ! When you eat this food, it is symbolic of fornication. Of Lust! Of Sin!"
They all looked around at each other.
One shouted out, "Let's go to Burger King!"
They left. Victory was mine.
As I went into work one night, I passed a couple of churches.
"Crap, it's Sunday", I thought.
Well, if you work at a fast food place and you live in a religious community, you know that there is one group of people that are the 2nd worse to serve.
The first being rowdy high schoolers. The second being the Church Crowd.
As I walked into work, I thought to myself, "No, not tonight. Tonight, I make my stand."
I went to the back and grabbed the box of letter we put out on our sign up front. I went outside int the freezing weather and put up a new sign.
It said: "Jesus didn't die so you could eat tacos".
Sure enough, church was over and in pulled a dozen or so cars.
I watched them park outside. One guy got out. looked at the sign, called out to somebody, and pointed at it.
They came inside and went up to the cashier.
"I would like to talk to your manager", the guy who pointed said.
I stepped up to the counter, identified myself as manger and asked him what the problem was.
He asked what was up with the sign out front.
I told him, "Well sir. It's almost Christmas. We here at Taco Bell would like to remind our customers what the holiday is all about. It's all about Jesus dying to absolve us from eating tacos."
He was flabbergasted. He told me, "Jesus died for our sins."
I looked at him with the most serious face I could put on and said, "Eating tacos is a sin, sir."
That caused quite an uproar. The Church Crowd started to shout.
I yelled at them to be quite. I went and grabbed a taco.
I held it up and said, " Do you see it's shape? This taco resembles a certain part of the female body. And what of the burritos? To even the most decent of minds, the burrito recalls the male sexual organ! When you eat this food, it is symbolic of fornication. Of Lust! Of Sin!"
They all looked around at each other.
One shouted out, "Let's go to Burger King!"
They left. Victory was mine.
Kicked Out Of Hot Topic
I decided to check out Hot Topic. Actually, I wanted to see if they had some Aqua Teen figures.
I head to the back and see some toys lined up on the wall.
And some passed out chick lying in front of said wall.
The employee on duty and a couple of other people were gathered around her.
I didn't catch what really happened to her, because I really didn't care.
I asked the people around her if they could move her so I could look at the toys.
They got upset and asked me if I was being a tad insensitive.
I told them I get the majority of pop-culture references, but even I didn't know who Tad Insensitive was.
They didn't find it funny..
Well, I could tell they weren't going to move her, so I asked them to move and I would just step around her.
The employee got up and told me to leave.
I told them, Fine, I didn't want to buy their stupid products anyway.
I head to the back and see some toys lined up on the wall.
And some passed out chick lying in front of said wall.
The employee on duty and a couple of other people were gathered around her.
I didn't catch what really happened to her, because I really didn't care.
I asked the people around her if they could move her so I could look at the toys.
They got upset and asked me if I was being a tad insensitive.
I told them I get the majority of pop-culture references, but even I didn't know who Tad Insensitive was.
They didn't find it funny..
Well, I could tell they weren't going to move her, so I asked them to move and I would just step around her.
The employee got up and told me to leave.
I told them, Fine, I didn't want to buy their stupid products anyway.
Never Give Rides To Co-Workers 3
It seems that some people just don't know any good manners when they are being given a ride in another peron's car.
I had to teach such manners to a co-worker one time.
She was a big woman, the kind of woman that redneck toothless losers seem to love, and she had a crush on me.
Now, the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt another human being's feelings....so I have never given her any sign that I would be interested into plowing into her mountainous flesh.
One night, she thought she might actually have had me cornered. We both were getting off of work at the same time and she offered me this proposal:
She would give me 10 dollars if I could drive her up to Wal-Mart, but first I had to drive her home so she could change clothes.
She also told me she would be meeting a friend up there, so I wouldn't have to take her back home.
Now, of course, I knew this was just a ploy to spend time with me. If she were meeting her friend up at Wal-Mart, why couldn't her friend just pick her up at work?
Now, I would have never decided to do this, if the money offer wasn't involved.
Several minutes of listening to this braod trying to impress me would be worth 10 bucks...so I accepted.
When we both got off of work, we got into my jeep.
In an effort to quell any attempt by her to start a conversation, I immediately turned on the stereo.
Of course, she was a rude cow and talked over the stereo. But this wasn't the rudest part.
No big deal, I drowned her out.
Now, we get to her house, she gives me the ten and says she'll be back out in a few minutes.
And, just like a typical woman, it takes her forever to change clothes.
Actually, I don't know how long it took, because after ten minutes of waiting, I took off without her.
And went to Wal-Mart to buy a DVD, hoping for another chance encounter with an attractive woman.
Funny thing, my coworkers friend, whom happened to know me, saw me and asked where she was.
Apparently this plan to have me be her chauffeur was planned out in advanced.
And the second after I get done telling the friend what I did, the friend recieves "You have a call at the front desk" announcement over the intercom.
I had to teach such manners to a co-worker one time.
She was a big woman, the kind of woman that redneck toothless losers seem to love, and she had a crush on me.
Now, the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt another human being's feelings....so I have never given her any sign that I would be interested into plowing into her mountainous flesh.
One night, she thought she might actually have had me cornered. We both were getting off of work at the same time and she offered me this proposal:
She would give me 10 dollars if I could drive her up to Wal-Mart, but first I had to drive her home so she could change clothes.
She also told me she would be meeting a friend up there, so I wouldn't have to take her back home.
Now, of course, I knew this was just a ploy to spend time with me. If she were meeting her friend up at Wal-Mart, why couldn't her friend just pick her up at work?
Now, I would have never decided to do this, if the money offer wasn't involved.
Several minutes of listening to this braod trying to impress me would be worth 10 bucks...so I accepted.
When we both got off of work, we got into my jeep.
In an effort to quell any attempt by her to start a conversation, I immediately turned on the stereo.
Of course, she was a rude cow and talked over the stereo. But this wasn't the rudest part.
No big deal, I drowned her out.
Now, we get to her house, she gives me the ten and says she'll be back out in a few minutes.
And, just like a typical woman, it takes her forever to change clothes.
Actually, I don't know how long it took, because after ten minutes of waiting, I took off without her.
And went to Wal-Mart to buy a DVD, hoping for another chance encounter with an attractive woman.
Funny thing, my coworkers friend, whom happened to know me, saw me and asked where she was.
Apparently this plan to have me be her chauffeur was planned out in advanced.
And the second after I get done telling the friend what I did, the friend recieves "You have a call at the front desk" announcement over the intercom.
Some Girls Cannot Take A Joke
There is something to be said about humor in this day in age. Just when you think certain things are no longer taboo, you come across somebody who makes you think twice on that.
The other night, I got lucky.
Lucky meaning I had sex.
I met her Wal-Mart of all places. We were both looking at DVDs. I was instantly attracted to her and the look in her eyes and the smile that she gave me told me the same was true for her.
And then, just like something out of a movie, we both reached for the same DVD.
It was Lucky Number Sleven, but that is besides the point.
We got to talking.
It was both pretty clear to us that neither of us was looking for a relationship, just a bit of a good time.
I walked with her as she finished her shopping, and came to found out she had a bit of dark humor in her.
We got back to her place, where I told her I didn't have any condoms. (I was too engaged in conversation with her at Wal-Mart to to think about getting them there, which was ironic, because sex was on my mind the entire time)
She said it was alright, she was on the pill.
Now, that was a bit of a jab to my ego, because when a girl says she's on the pill, that pretty much means she's a whore.
Oh well, no stopping me.
We did our deeds...a good long hour and a half of it. She got too exhausted.
As I was putting on my clothes, I thought of something funny to say, something that someone with some dark humor would appreciate.
I told her, "Oh, by the way, I have AIDS."
She starts to cry and begins to scream.
I told her I was just joking, but she continued to scream.
I swear, just when you think you know somebody, they turn your world around.
The other night, I got lucky.
Lucky meaning I had sex.
I met her Wal-Mart of all places. We were both looking at DVDs. I was instantly attracted to her and the look in her eyes and the smile that she gave me told me the same was true for her.
And then, just like something out of a movie, we both reached for the same DVD.
It was Lucky Number Sleven, but that is besides the point.
We got to talking.
It was both pretty clear to us that neither of us was looking for a relationship, just a bit of a good time.
I walked with her as she finished her shopping, and came to found out she had a bit of dark humor in her.
We got back to her place, where I told her I didn't have any condoms. (I was too engaged in conversation with her at Wal-Mart to to think about getting them there, which was ironic, because sex was on my mind the entire time)
She said it was alright, she was on the pill.
Now, that was a bit of a jab to my ego, because when a girl says she's on the pill, that pretty much means she's a whore.
Oh well, no stopping me.
We did our deeds...a good long hour and a half of it. She got too exhausted.
As I was putting on my clothes, I thought of something funny to say, something that someone with some dark humor would appreciate.
I told her, "Oh, by the way, I have AIDS."
She starts to cry and begins to scream.
I told her I was just joking, but she continued to scream.
I swear, just when you think you know somebody, they turn your world around.
Meeting An Online Girlfriend
This story is a little embarrassing, but it's something I need to get off of my chest.
I need it out of my system and I find these boards to be a great place to exercise my need to vent.
Last month, I met a girl online.
We had played a game of Literati on yahoo games (which is basically Scrabble).
During the game, we chatted. After the game was over, she asked me if I would like to continue the conversation through IM.
I agreed.
We spent a good three hours talking that night. I got her name, age, likes, dislikes..all of the usual.
It turned out she was younger than me, but that was alright, I really don't like dating women my own age.
She liked a lot of the same movies I liked. Read some of the same books. Had similar taste in music.
But the great thing was, she only lived an hour away from me.
A couple weeks of talking, we moved on to the picture exchange.
She was a real hottie and through some miracle, she wasn't scared off by my appearance.
Another week went by. I asked her if I could meet her. She said yes, and gave me directions to a park in her town.
The next day, I drove there and found the park.
She told me she would meet me at a bench on the north end of the park. I found it, but the only person sitting there was a heavyset lady in her forties.
I was shocked when the woman called out my name.
She then identified herself as one of those "Internet Predator Hunters".
I told her that was a bit redundant and I took of running.
I need it out of my system and I find these boards to be a great place to exercise my need to vent.
Last month, I met a girl online.
We had played a game of Literati on yahoo games (which is basically Scrabble).
During the game, we chatted. After the game was over, she asked me if I would like to continue the conversation through IM.
I agreed.
We spent a good three hours talking that night. I got her name, age, likes, dislikes..all of the usual.
It turned out she was younger than me, but that was alright, I really don't like dating women my own age.
She liked a lot of the same movies I liked. Read some of the same books. Had similar taste in music.
But the great thing was, she only lived an hour away from me.
A couple weeks of talking, we moved on to the picture exchange.
She was a real hottie and through some miracle, she wasn't scared off by my appearance.
Another week went by. I asked her if I could meet her. She said yes, and gave me directions to a park in her town.
The next day, I drove there and found the park.
She told me she would meet me at a bench on the north end of the park. I found it, but the only person sitting there was a heavyset lady in her forties.
I was shocked when the woman called out my name.
She then identified herself as one of those "Internet Predator Hunters".
I told her that was a bit redundant and I took of running.
Suing My Friend's Father
I was visiting my friend at his house and he invited me to have supper there. His dad was bringing home some pizza.
As we sat around, eating pizza, we were talking about the rich and how we were never going to be it.
The father mentioned all of these Internet sites that fail, and I told him the only good investment would be a porn site.
He laughed and said he wouldn't know where to start.
I said, since his daughter is a lesbian, he should put a hidden web cam in her room and create a website that let's people view her and her lesbian encounters.
Well, this ticked him off and he threw me out of the house.
A couple of days ago, I was browsing the web for some good sites, and I came across a hidden web-cam site.
Sure enough, the girl featured on there was my best friend's sister.
They were charging ten bucks for a monthly subscription.
Now, I should be entitled to at least a third of the profits.
Or at least a free subscription.
As we sat around, eating pizza, we were talking about the rich and how we were never going to be it.
The father mentioned all of these Internet sites that fail, and I told him the only good investment would be a porn site.
He laughed and said he wouldn't know where to start.
I said, since his daughter is a lesbian, he should put a hidden web cam in her room and create a website that let's people view her and her lesbian encounters.
Well, this ticked him off and he threw me out of the house.
A couple of days ago, I was browsing the web for some good sites, and I came across a hidden web-cam site.
Sure enough, the girl featured on there was my best friend's sister.
They were charging ten bucks for a monthly subscription.
Now, I should be entitled to at least a third of the profits.
Or at least a free subscription.
A Walk In The Park
It was a nice, cool, breezy day, today. I decided I didn't want to waste time inside.
I called up a friend and told him to meet me in the park. We met and went for a walk on the trail that goes through and around the park.
As we walked, we saw a somewhat large group of people having a picnic on the part of the park grounds.
As we approached, we could tell there was something peculiar about this group of people.
My friend noticed something that gave us the answer to our observational question.
He said, "Dude, it's the retard bus."
And so it was, the bus from the State Psychiatric Hospital, which happened to be in our town.
We did our best to avoid them and not be noticed and continued on our path.
10 minutes later, we came across a man sitting on one of the benches. He was throwing bread at a couple of squirrels and laughing his head off.
Half on the man's face was drooping slightly and he was only laughing out of one side of his face. I told my friend, "Hmm, he must have escaped from the other group."
So, me and my friend only did what came naturally to us...we went over to ridicule him.
He ignored us as we walked behind him, which was surprising to us, because we figured he would run off screaming.
We got behind him and my friend said, "It sure is nice to feed things that only have a few IQ points less than yourself."
I said, "Let's get out of here and mate with a woman, the only way a non-retard can."
The man than turned around and looked at us and said, "I'm not retarded, I have Bells Palsy."
Boy....were we embarrassed.
I called up a friend and told him to meet me in the park. We met and went for a walk on the trail that goes through and around the park.
As we walked, we saw a somewhat large group of people having a picnic on the part of the park grounds.
As we approached, we could tell there was something peculiar about this group of people.
My friend noticed something that gave us the answer to our observational question.
He said, "Dude, it's the retard bus."
And so it was, the bus from the State Psychiatric Hospital, which happened to be in our town.
We did our best to avoid them and not be noticed and continued on our path.
10 minutes later, we came across a man sitting on one of the benches. He was throwing bread at a couple of squirrels and laughing his head off.
Half on the man's face was drooping slightly and he was only laughing out of one side of his face. I told my friend, "Hmm, he must have escaped from the other group."
So, me and my friend only did what came naturally to us...we went over to ridicule him.
He ignored us as we walked behind him, which was surprising to us, because we figured he would run off screaming.
We got behind him and my friend said, "It sure is nice to feed things that only have a few IQ points less than yourself."
I said, "Let's get out of here and mate with a woman, the only way a non-retard can."
The man than turned around and looked at us and said, "I'm not retarded, I have Bells Palsy."
Boy....were we embarrassed.
My Friend Called Me One Day
I sitting at home, leaning back on the couch and watching some tv, when the phone rings.
I pick it up, it's my friend Bobby.
Bobby: Hey man. I just want you to know that I'm about to kill myself.
Me: Why?
Bobby: Because she left me man. Two days ago, my woman left me for some guy!
Me: Ah. How are you going to kill yourself?
Bobby: I've got my dad's gun. I'm going to blow my brains out.
Me: You should shoot yourself in the heart. It'd be more poetic.
Bobby: You are supposed to be talking me out of this!
Me: I didn't know this was the suicide hot-line.
Bobby: I need you to help me man! I think I'm really going to do this.
Me: Alright. Just do your best not to do anything until I come over.
Bobby: You are the best, man!
Me: Just let me find my video camera and I'll be on my way.
Bobby: Fuck you! You really are a jerk. Will you be at the bowling alley tomorrow?
Me: You know it.
Bobby: See ya then.
I hung up the phone.
At that point, my new girlfriend finished what she was doing and looked up at me.
Her: Who was that?
Me: Just your ex.
I pick it up, it's my friend Bobby.
Bobby: Hey man. I just want you to know that I'm about to kill myself.
Me: Why?
Bobby: Because she left me man. Two days ago, my woman left me for some guy!
Me: Ah. How are you going to kill yourself?
Bobby: I've got my dad's gun. I'm going to blow my brains out.
Me: You should shoot yourself in the heart. It'd be more poetic.
Bobby: You are supposed to be talking me out of this!
Me: I didn't know this was the suicide hot-line.
Bobby: I need you to help me man! I think I'm really going to do this.
Me: Alright. Just do your best not to do anything until I come over.
Bobby: You are the best, man!
Me: Just let me find my video camera and I'll be on my way.
Bobby: Fuck you! You really are a jerk. Will you be at the bowling alley tomorrow?
Me: You know it.
Bobby: See ya then.
I hung up the phone.
At that point, my new girlfriend finished what she was doing and looked up at me.
Her: Who was that?
Me: Just your ex.
What's Left of the Ice Cream
We had bought some Cookies and Cream Ice Cream the other day, and when I went to get some of it earlier tonight, I saw there was only a few scoops left.
So, I took the ice cream to the kitchen table and ate it right out of the box.
My daughter was in the living room watching tv, and she had been curious as to what I was doing, so she saw me eating the ice cream.
She asked me if she could have some.
I told her she could have what's left of it after I was finished.
She said ok and returned to watch tv.
Well, I had ate all of it. But, I called her into the kitchen anyway.
I told her, here ya go, have the rest of it.
Her face lit up like it was her birthday.
Then she looked in the box.
She stopped crying an hour later.
So, I took the ice cream to the kitchen table and ate it right out of the box.
My daughter was in the living room watching tv, and she had been curious as to what I was doing, so she saw me eating the ice cream.
She asked me if she could have some.
I told her she could have what's left of it after I was finished.
She said ok and returned to watch tv.
Well, I had ate all of it. But, I called her into the kitchen anyway.
I told her, here ya go, have the rest of it.
Her face lit up like it was her birthday.
Then she looked in the box.
She stopped crying an hour later.
Secret Santa
When I worked at Taco Bell, we always did the Secret Santa Gift Exchange for Christmas.
We all put out names into this hat and after all the names are in, we draw a name out of the hat and get them a gift. $5 minimum.
One year I pulled out some ignorant scum-lickers name.
Now, I hated this guy. So I decided not to waste my time going out somewhere to get this kid a gift.
So I get him a $5 Gift Certificate....from Taco Bell.
I went into our walk-in fridge and emptied out a box of tomatoes.
Now, a box of tomatoes is about 6 inches high and 15 inches long.
I put the gift certificate into the box and wrapped it up.
The day came for us to open our presents.
The kids found his present and looked like he won the lottery.
He picked it up, looked around at all of us and says this:
"Thank you guys. My father died last year and my mother works two jobs. This is my first job. Mom couldn't get me or my brothers and sister anything this year because of bills. But this gift makes me glad that I'm working at such a great place."
He opened it up.
Now, the evolution of his face, from bright-eyed anticipation to sheer utter horror, was classic.
We all put out names into this hat and after all the names are in, we draw a name out of the hat and get them a gift. $5 minimum.
One year I pulled out some ignorant scum-lickers name.
Now, I hated this guy. So I decided not to waste my time going out somewhere to get this kid a gift.
So I get him a $5 Gift Certificate....from Taco Bell.
I went into our walk-in fridge and emptied out a box of tomatoes.
Now, a box of tomatoes is about 6 inches high and 15 inches long.
I put the gift certificate into the box and wrapped it up.
The day came for us to open our presents.
The kids found his present and looked like he won the lottery.
He picked it up, looked around at all of us and says this:
"Thank you guys. My father died last year and my mother works two jobs. This is my first job. Mom couldn't get me or my brothers and sister anything this year because of bills. But this gift makes me glad that I'm working at such a great place."
He opened it up.
Now, the evolution of his face, from bright-eyed anticipation to sheer utter horror, was classic.
Never Give Rides To Co-Workers 2
Here's another tale of trouble with the people I worked with. This took place a few years ago
6 to Close.
That was what I was scheduled to work that particular Wednesday.
So, having been up all night Tuesday and into Wednesday morning, I was planning on getting a good 5 hours sleep between 10 and 5.
I laid down on my air mattress and got myself comfortable.
Then my phone rang.
And like an idiot, I answered it.
"Hello", I said.
"Hey. This is Andrea. (my boss). Penny (her boss) said that you and the other two shift managers need to go down to Noblesville today at 1."
"Why?"
"Because there is going to be a meeting with the new company with all of the shift managers."
I groaned. One o'clock. Ok, I was thinking, I can get to Noblesville in an hour. I can get at least a couple hours of sleep.
Then she said,
"But I need you all up here for a manager meeting at 11 to go over the new computer system we got.
I love starting days out like this.
So I get up there. We have our little meeting. It takes me 5 seconds to get use to the new programs and what-not. Not the other imbeciles who claim the prestigious title of Manager.
But oh well. Meeting over at 11:45.
I had asked Andrea if I could leave our little meeting early since I knew everything, but she wanted me to stick around, just in case.
So, I get into my new Jeep Cherokee with the intention of grabbing some Rally's on my way down to Noblesville, when I am approached by the other two Shift Managers.
They ask me if I could drive them down there in my Jeep.
They'd pay me for the gas of course.
And, like an idiot, I accepted.
Ok, ready? Off we go.
12 Noon. We had left my town and we were on our way to Noblesville.
But, alas! One of the festering little butt spores had forgotten their cell phone back in their car.
She asked me to turn around so I could get it.
And, like an idiot, I do so.
12:20 Pm. We are now leaving my town and are well on our way to Noblesville.
No Rally's on the way there. Fine, I'll just pick some up on the way back.
Doing 80. Have to make up for lost time.
The two moronic half-human twits are engaged in a conversation about gawd knows what.
I turn up my music. MY stereo which is playing MY mp3 player in MY Jeep.
The ignorant scum-sucking toad sitting in the passenger side reaches his grubby little hand over and turns down my music.
Now, I'm a laid back kind of person. I can take the heat and I don't let myself be bothered by trivial things.
But there is one thing you do not to around me. And that is turn down MY music in MY vehicle.
I sped up to 90.
Going 90, I slammed on my brakes.
Knowing what was coming, I had braced myself. They did not.
The faggot in the passenger seat went flying forward, head cracking on the dashboard.
The backseat bitch went face first into the back of my head cushion.
To the left of me...a twerp with a serious headache.
Behind me....a bitch with a bloody nose.
I simple stared straight forward and said,
"Don't you ever touch my fucking radio again."
We got to the meeting with five minutes to spare.
6 to Close.
That was what I was scheduled to work that particular Wednesday.
So, having been up all night Tuesday and into Wednesday morning, I was planning on getting a good 5 hours sleep between 10 and 5.
I laid down on my air mattress and got myself comfortable.
Then my phone rang.
And like an idiot, I answered it.
"Hello", I said.
"Hey. This is Andrea. (my boss). Penny (her boss) said that you and the other two shift managers need to go down to Noblesville today at 1."
"Why?"
"Because there is going to be a meeting with the new company with all of the shift managers."
I groaned. One o'clock. Ok, I was thinking, I can get to Noblesville in an hour. I can get at least a couple hours of sleep.
Then she said,
"But I need you all up here for a manager meeting at 11 to go over the new computer system we got.
I love starting days out like this.
So I get up there. We have our little meeting. It takes me 5 seconds to get use to the new programs and what-not. Not the other imbeciles who claim the prestigious title of Manager.
But oh well. Meeting over at 11:45.
I had asked Andrea if I could leave our little meeting early since I knew everything, but she wanted me to stick around, just in case.
So, I get into my new Jeep Cherokee with the intention of grabbing some Rally's on my way down to Noblesville, when I am approached by the other two Shift Managers.
They ask me if I could drive them down there in my Jeep.
They'd pay me for the gas of course.
And, like an idiot, I accepted.
Ok, ready? Off we go.
12 Noon. We had left my town and we were on our way to Noblesville.
But, alas! One of the festering little butt spores had forgotten their cell phone back in their car.
She asked me to turn around so I could get it.
And, like an idiot, I do so.
12:20 Pm. We are now leaving my town and are well on our way to Noblesville.
No Rally's on the way there. Fine, I'll just pick some up on the way back.
Doing 80. Have to make up for lost time.
The two moronic half-human twits are engaged in a conversation about gawd knows what.
I turn up my music. MY stereo which is playing MY mp3 player in MY Jeep.
The ignorant scum-sucking toad sitting in the passenger side reaches his grubby little hand over and turns down my music.
Now, I'm a laid back kind of person. I can take the heat and I don't let myself be bothered by trivial things.
But there is one thing you do not to around me. And that is turn down MY music in MY vehicle.
I sped up to 90.
Going 90, I slammed on my brakes.
Knowing what was coming, I had braced myself. They did not.
The faggot in the passenger seat went flying forward, head cracking on the dashboard.
The backseat bitch went face first into the back of my head cushion.
To the left of me...a twerp with a serious headache.
Behind me....a bitch with a bloody nose.
I simple stared straight forward and said,
"Don't you ever touch my fucking radio again."
We got to the meeting with five minutes to spare.
Getting Some Ice Cream
I'm never one to pass up any opportunity.
I mean, when something comes along my path and begs me to grab it, I'll be more than happy too.
Such as the prospect to do a good deed.
Case in point: This woman I came across yesterday.
Being the middle of July, the weather is quite hot. Needing to get out of the house, I decided to go for a drive. The July heat started wearing down on me and I decided to stop at the popular Ice Cream parlor here in town.
I decided to get myself the ever popular vanilla ice cream cone dipped in chocolate. The line to the drive-thru window was quite long, so I decided to get out and go to the walk-up window.
I got into line and ahead of me was a woman in her late 20's/early 30's with two kids.
She ordered her ice cream and went to pay....but she was coming up short.
I, being the gentleman that I am, offered to pay the rest for her. She accepted and I handed the cashier the money and ordered my ice cream.
I looked at the delicious cone in my hand and went to take a bite, but I was interrupted by a tap on my shoulder. It was the lady. She wanted to thank me for my generous offer.
I told her to think nothing of it, because virtue is it's own reward.
I turned to walk away, but the woman managed to get herself into my line of sight again.
She started talking about how nobody does anything nice for anybody anymore and it was so nice to be able to come across nice people and blah, blah, blah.
Now, the hard chocolate on my ice cream is starting to melt along with the ice cream itself. It was 90 degrees out after all.
You might say, "Why didn't you eat the ice cream while she was talking to you?"
Well, I have an answer for that.
There is something erotic about licking an ice cream cone. Well, the way I do it anyway. I'm a satyr, that's just the way I am. And I don't like to do it while people are watching.
So, I tell the lady to just pay it forward and that was a mistake right there.
She starts going on how she loves that movie and more people should watch it blah blah blah.
My ice cream is melting. I'm listening to this air bag drone on. I'm also getting the nice view of her two little brats slopping their ice cream all over their fat faces.
So, naturally, I snap.
I tell the woman I should have done a bigger favor for her and not have paid for her ice cream. Then I say, well, I would have been doing your fat ass a favor anyway.
The change of puzzlement to shock to anger on her face was almost worth the melted mess of vanilla ice cream and chocolate coating on my hand.
I tell her she should be spending some money on Ritalin for her putrid crotch spawn instead of more sugar to to shift their ADD into overdrive.
She then knock my ice cream cone out of my hand and throws her ice cream in my face.
Lesson here: No good deed goes unpunished.
I mean, when something comes along my path and begs me to grab it, I'll be more than happy too.
Such as the prospect to do a good deed.
Case in point: This woman I came across yesterday.
Being the middle of July, the weather is quite hot. Needing to get out of the house, I decided to go for a drive. The July heat started wearing down on me and I decided to stop at the popular Ice Cream parlor here in town.
I decided to get myself the ever popular vanilla ice cream cone dipped in chocolate. The line to the drive-thru window was quite long, so I decided to get out and go to the walk-up window.
I got into line and ahead of me was a woman in her late 20's/early 30's with two kids.
She ordered her ice cream and went to pay....but she was coming up short.
I, being the gentleman that I am, offered to pay the rest for her. She accepted and I handed the cashier the money and ordered my ice cream.
I looked at the delicious cone in my hand and went to take a bite, but I was interrupted by a tap on my shoulder. It was the lady. She wanted to thank me for my generous offer.
I told her to think nothing of it, because virtue is it's own reward.
I turned to walk away, but the woman managed to get herself into my line of sight again.
She started talking about how nobody does anything nice for anybody anymore and it was so nice to be able to come across nice people and blah, blah, blah.
Now, the hard chocolate on my ice cream is starting to melt along with the ice cream itself. It was 90 degrees out after all.
You might say, "Why didn't you eat the ice cream while she was talking to you?"
Well, I have an answer for that.
There is something erotic about licking an ice cream cone. Well, the way I do it anyway. I'm a satyr, that's just the way I am. And I don't like to do it while people are watching.
So, I tell the lady to just pay it forward and that was a mistake right there.
She starts going on how she loves that movie and more people should watch it blah blah blah.
My ice cream is melting. I'm listening to this air bag drone on. I'm also getting the nice view of her two little brats slopping their ice cream all over their fat faces.
So, naturally, I snap.
I tell the woman I should have done a bigger favor for her and not have paid for her ice cream. Then I say, well, I would have been doing your fat ass a favor anyway.
The change of puzzlement to shock to anger on her face was almost worth the melted mess of vanilla ice cream and chocolate coating on my hand.
I tell her she should be spending some money on Ritalin for her putrid crotch spawn instead of more sugar to to shift their ADD into overdrive.
She then knock my ice cream cone out of my hand and throws her ice cream in my face.
Lesson here: No good deed goes unpunished.
Never Give Rides To Co-Workers 1
I recall one night I had to close at Taco Bell.
One of the other closing employees needed a ride home.
I, being the generous guy that I am, offered to give him a lift.
After he got into my car, he put on his seatbelt.
I had never been more insulted in my entire life.
I asked him, "What? You don't trust my driving?"
He says, "It's not you man, it's the law."
I say, "This is not about the law. This is about respect."
He tried to act as though he had no idea what I was talking about.
I asked him, "Do you that just because there is a little snow on the ground, I'm going to wreck car and kill us in a giant fireball?"
He tells me, "Nah, man. It's nothing like that. I always put my seatbelt on when I get into someone's car."
I gave him an ultimatum: Either take off the seat belt or walk home.
He tells me he'd rather walk than ride in a car with a dictator and he gets out.
I took off and dropped my deposite off at the bank and headed home.
He had walked a good two blocks when I drove by him.
Well actually I slammed on the horn and swerved toward him, causing him to jump into a big pile of snow.
One of the other closing employees needed a ride home.
I, being the generous guy that I am, offered to give him a lift.
After he got into my car, he put on his seatbelt.
I had never been more insulted in my entire life.
I asked him, "What? You don't trust my driving?"
He says, "It's not you man, it's the law."
I say, "This is not about the law. This is about respect."
He tried to act as though he had no idea what I was talking about.
I asked him, "Do you that just because there is a little snow on the ground, I'm going to wreck car and kill us in a giant fireball?"
He tells me, "Nah, man. It's nothing like that. I always put my seatbelt on when I get into someone's car."
I gave him an ultimatum: Either take off the seat belt or walk home.
He tells me he'd rather walk than ride in a car with a dictator and he gets out.
I took off and dropped my deposite off at the bank and headed home.
He had walked a good two blocks when I drove by him.
Well actually I slammed on the horn and swerved toward him, causing him to jump into a big pile of snow.
Grocery Store Encounter
I went to the grocery story today. I had to get a few things, including milk and ice cream.
Anyway, I get in line, and there is a person ahead of me, they have quite a lot of things, but the store was busy, so I didn't mind the wait.
As I'm standing there, here comes this chick and in her hand is a box of tampons.
She asks me if she can cut ahead of me because she was in a "real hurry".
I told her no.
She gets real mad and starts staying that it's an emergency and she really needs to check out as fast as she can.
I told her sorry, but I was in line first.
I asked her why she didn't use the express lane.
She said there were too many people in line.
I asked why she didn't go to CVS, because it was just across the street.
She said she just pulled in here first because it was a real emergency.
Now, there are no public restrooms in this grocery store, so I figured that she will be taking care of her problem.
So, I tell her that I will let her go ahead of me if I get to watch her put it in.
She screams, "It's too late!" and runs out of the store.
Anyway, I get in line, and there is a person ahead of me, they have quite a lot of things, but the store was busy, so I didn't mind the wait.
As I'm standing there, here comes this chick and in her hand is a box of tampons.
She asks me if she can cut ahead of me because she was in a "real hurry".
I told her no.
She gets real mad and starts staying that it's an emergency and she really needs to check out as fast as she can.
I told her sorry, but I was in line first.
I asked her why she didn't use the express lane.
She said there were too many people in line.
I asked why she didn't go to CVS, because it was just across the street.
She said she just pulled in here first because it was a real emergency.
Now, there are no public restrooms in this grocery store, so I figured that she will be taking care of her problem.
So, I tell her that I will let her go ahead of me if I get to watch her put it in.
She screams, "It's too late!" and runs out of the store.
A Valentine's To Remember
I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day. But, it is a good day to get laid. Unless you are dating a girl humor issues.
It was my third date with this girl in two weeks. Things were going very well. For our date on Feb. 14th, took her to a nice fancy restaurant, and afterwards, a stroll through town.
You see, after our second date, I had called her up the day after and asked her to go out that night. She said something had happened in her family, and she wouldn't be able to go out with me for awhile. So, five days later, I got her to go out with me on Valentine's.
So, on this third date, she was quiet and whatever had happened, she didn't want to talk about it.
On our walk through town, we came to a park. I started leading us into the park, but she said she'd rather not walk through there.
I told her it would be all right.
She looked to the ground and agreed,
As we walked, she seemed kind of nervous. I did my best to make her feel better. But, I was on the look out for something to really break the ice that had covered over us.
Then I saw it.
5 feet away from us in the parking lot, was a chalk outline sketch
I said to her, "Hey watch this!"
I ran over to the sketch and laid down in it.
I yelled out, "Look at me, I'm a dead body!"
She screamed and said, "That's where my brother was shot and killed almost a week ago!"
She took off running.
If it hadn't been for that, I probably would have gotten laid that night.
It was my third date with this girl in two weeks. Things were going very well. For our date on Feb. 14th, took her to a nice fancy restaurant, and afterwards, a stroll through town.
You see, after our second date, I had called her up the day after and asked her to go out that night. She said something had happened in her family, and she wouldn't be able to go out with me for awhile. So, five days later, I got her to go out with me on Valentine's.
So, on this third date, she was quiet and whatever had happened, she didn't want to talk about it.
On our walk through town, we came to a park. I started leading us into the park, but she said she'd rather not walk through there.
I told her it would be all right.
She looked to the ground and agreed,
As we walked, she seemed kind of nervous. I did my best to make her feel better. But, I was on the look out for something to really break the ice that had covered over us.
Then I saw it.
5 feet away from us in the parking lot, was a chalk outline sketch
I said to her, "Hey watch this!"
I ran over to the sketch and laid down in it.
I yelled out, "Look at me, I'm a dead body!"
She screamed and said, "That's where my brother was shot and killed almost a week ago!"
She took off running.
If it hadn't been for that, I probably would have gotten laid that night.
The Crunchwrap
I used to work in a hellhole once called Taco Bell
I recall a crew meeting we had there one time.
It was to discuss the onslaught we have had of Cruchwrap orders.
You see, there is a timer for the Drive-Thru. When the car sitting at the pick-up window has been there for over a minute and fifteen seconds, the timer starts beeping until the car leaves.
With the Crunchwrap, the Drive-thru times had not been very good.
They take longer to make than most items and they became the most popular item.
Our goal during this crew meeting was to determine the best way to deal with the times by making the Crunchwraps faster or more efficient.
One of the more popular ideas brought forward was to keep ahead on the Crunchwraps during a rush by always having two extra chrunchwraps available.
That is make two crucnchwraps before the rush starts and when somebody orders one, give them the pre-made one and make another one...keeping ahead.
My idea wasn't so popular.
I thought the best idea would be to deter people from ordering the Chrunchwrap.
I suggested that we get a bunch of puppies and everytime somebody orders a Chruchwrap, we snap a puppies neck right in front of them.
Nobody really talked to me for the rest of the day.
I recall a crew meeting we had there one time.
It was to discuss the onslaught we have had of Cruchwrap orders.
You see, there is a timer for the Drive-Thru. When the car sitting at the pick-up window has been there for over a minute and fifteen seconds, the timer starts beeping until the car leaves.
With the Crunchwrap, the Drive-thru times had not been very good.
They take longer to make than most items and they became the most popular item.
Our goal during this crew meeting was to determine the best way to deal with the times by making the Crunchwraps faster or more efficient.
One of the more popular ideas brought forward was to keep ahead on the Crunchwraps during a rush by always having two extra chrunchwraps available.
That is make two crucnchwraps before the rush starts and when somebody orders one, give them the pre-made one and make another one...keeping ahead.
My idea wasn't so popular.
I thought the best idea would be to deter people from ordering the Chrunchwrap.
I suggested that we get a bunch of puppies and everytime somebody orders a Chruchwrap, we snap a puppies neck right in front of them.
Nobody really talked to me for the rest of the day.
Presents Under The Tree
Christmas Time One Year.
There were 15 presents underneath our Christmas Tree.
They all belonged to my daughter. Most of them were DVDs, the others were toys.
Seeing them there, I had a good idea.
I told her, "Everytime you do something bad, I will stomp on one of your presents."
Well, she just got up, sat herself on the couch, and turned the channel on the TV to her cartoons.
I got up and stomped on one of the "gifts".
She started crying. "Daddy! What did I do?"
I said, "You turned off Daddy's show."
"But you are on the computer!"
"That doesn't matter. I was listening to it."
She turned the channel back to where it was.
I got up and stomped on one of the presents.
She strated crying even more.
"What did I do this time daddy?"
I looked at her sternly, "You just turned off Fairly Odd Parents!"
There were 15 presents underneath our Christmas Tree.
They all belonged to my daughter. Most of them were DVDs, the others were toys.
Seeing them there, I had a good idea.
I told her, "Everytime you do something bad, I will stomp on one of your presents."
Well, she just got up, sat herself on the couch, and turned the channel on the TV to her cartoons.
I got up and stomped on one of the "gifts".
She started crying. "Daddy! What did I do?"
I said, "You turned off Daddy's show."
"But you are on the computer!"
"That doesn't matter. I was listening to it."
She turned the channel back to where it was.
I got up and stomped on one of the presents.
She strated crying even more.
"What did I do this time daddy?"
I looked at her sternly, "You just turned off Fairly Odd Parents!"
Waiting For Spicy Chicken
I went into to work at four.
As I was to my counts, I took notice to the fact that we only had one bag of spicy chicken left in the entire store.
I asked the opening manager about this.
She said it was ok, another manager had gone to cover a shift at the Monticello Taco Bell, a town about 20 miles away.
I was informed that when she got off work over there at five, she would bring some spicy chicken with her, because the Monticello store had plenty to spare.
I said fine.
Six o'clock came. Still no spicy chicken. I called over to Monticello and asked if the manager had left yet.
They said yes, she left at four.
Well, I wasn't lucky enough to have this particular manager die in horrible mess of fire and twisted metal, burning her disgusting flesh to the seat as she cried out for help, so I knew she was taking her sweet ass time to deliver the spicy chicken.
So I waited.
Finally, at 8 o'clock, she arrives with the spicy chicken.
I ask her, "Where in the hell have you been?"
She says, "I had to go to a funeral."
I say, "I think our being out of spicy chicken was far more important than a stupid funeral. It's not like they were going to know you weren't there any way."
She then starts crying, throws the spicy chicken at me, and yells, "It was a funeral for a baby!"
Then she runs out the door.
Forty minutes later, I ate a spicy chicken soft taco.
And it was good.
As I was to my counts, I took notice to the fact that we only had one bag of spicy chicken left in the entire store.
I asked the opening manager about this.
She said it was ok, another manager had gone to cover a shift at the Monticello Taco Bell, a town about 20 miles away.
I was informed that when she got off work over there at five, she would bring some spicy chicken with her, because the Monticello store had plenty to spare.
I said fine.
Six o'clock came. Still no spicy chicken. I called over to Monticello and asked if the manager had left yet.
They said yes, she left at four.
Well, I wasn't lucky enough to have this particular manager die in horrible mess of fire and twisted metal, burning her disgusting flesh to the seat as she cried out for help, so I knew she was taking her sweet ass time to deliver the spicy chicken.
So I waited.
Finally, at 8 o'clock, she arrives with the spicy chicken.
I ask her, "Where in the hell have you been?"
She says, "I had to go to a funeral."
I say, "I think our being out of spicy chicken was far more important than a stupid funeral. It's not like they were going to know you weren't there any way."
She then starts crying, throws the spicy chicken at me, and yells, "It was a funeral for a baby!"
Then she runs out the door.
Forty minutes later, I ate a spicy chicken soft taco.
And it was good.
Easter
As Easter approaches....I am reminded of a little incident one year involving my ex's daughter.
My ex had the misfortune of working on Easter, so I was left to do the Easter thing with the kid.
That meant I had to fill up a bunch of plastic eggs with candy and go out in the yard and hide them. And then watch as the little brat goes out and hunts for them.
A four year old hunting for eggs. What fun.
She was so excited to hunt for the eggs, but I wasn't going to do it.
So, instead, I put her in my truck and we went for a drive.
And, I'll tell you what, living in the country has it's advantages.
As we drove around, she was asking where we were going.
I told her we were going to go find the place were the Easter Bunny hides the eggs with his most delicious chocolate.
The anticipation of a chocolate heaven illuminated her face.
A few minutes later, I spotted what I was looking for.
A roadkill rabbit.
Being at a height disadvantage, she did not spot the rabbit. I pulled over to the side of the road and told her I found the spot.
I got her out of the truck and told her to close her eyes.
I led her over to the raodkill rabbit and said, "Oh no..not the Easter Bunny!"
She opened her eyes and screamed.
No sex from the ex that night was worth it.
My ex had the misfortune of working on Easter, so I was left to do the Easter thing with the kid.
That meant I had to fill up a bunch of plastic eggs with candy and go out in the yard and hide them. And then watch as the little brat goes out and hunts for them.
A four year old hunting for eggs. What fun.
She was so excited to hunt for the eggs, but I wasn't going to do it.
So, instead, I put her in my truck and we went for a drive.
And, I'll tell you what, living in the country has it's advantages.
As we drove around, she was asking where we were going.
I told her we were going to go find the place were the Easter Bunny hides the eggs with his most delicious chocolate.
The anticipation of a chocolate heaven illuminated her face.
A few minutes later, I spotted what I was looking for.
A roadkill rabbit.
Being at a height disadvantage, she did not spot the rabbit. I pulled over to the side of the road and told her I found the spot.
I got her out of the truck and told her to close her eyes.
I led her over to the raodkill rabbit and said, "Oh no..not the Easter Bunny!"
She opened her eyes and screamed.
No sex from the ex that night was worth it.
Hitchhikers
So, a few nights ago I'm driving home from work. I had to close that night, so it's around 3 AM. As I'm heading down Highway 24 towards Highway 35, I see this hitchhiker.
It's 30 some degrees outside, so I thought I'd be nice.
The hitchhiker gets into my truck. She was a fairly nice looking girl, probably around 17.
I asked her where she was headed, telling her I probably couldn't take her very far.
She said to her house in Royal Center.
I told her, ok, that's only ten minutes away, I can take you home.
So we're driving down 35 towards Center and we engage into some small talk.
She's got a nice voice and she's laughing at my jokes.
We get to her house, she says thanks, and she got out of the truck and went inside her house.
On the way back to my place, I'm thinking about how I was robbed a "proper" thank you.
I thought, it was cold and she was probably tired, so she really wasn't up for one.
Well, 2 days after that, I'm just driving around, enjoying the nice country view, and I start feeling randy.
So I drive to Royal Center and I go to that girl's house and I knock on her door.
She answers it and looks at me as though she don't know me.
She asks who I am and I tell her I'm the guy who gave her a ride the other night.
She smiles and asks what she can do for me.
I dropped my pants and I said, a proper thank you would be nice.
She screams and I see her dad get up from a chair.
Her dad is a real big man.
Well, I pull up my pants and jump into my truck and sped out of there.
So, never pick up hitchhikers.
It's 30 some degrees outside, so I thought I'd be nice.
The hitchhiker gets into my truck. She was a fairly nice looking girl, probably around 17.
I asked her where she was headed, telling her I probably couldn't take her very far.
She said to her house in Royal Center.
I told her, ok, that's only ten minutes away, I can take you home.
So we're driving down 35 towards Center and we engage into some small talk.
She's got a nice voice and she's laughing at my jokes.
We get to her house, she says thanks, and she got out of the truck and went inside her house.
On the way back to my place, I'm thinking about how I was robbed a "proper" thank you.
I thought, it was cold and she was probably tired, so she really wasn't up for one.
Well, 2 days after that, I'm just driving around, enjoying the nice country view, and I start feeling randy.
So I drive to Royal Center and I go to that girl's house and I knock on her door.
She answers it and looks at me as though she don't know me.
She asks who I am and I tell her I'm the guy who gave her a ride the other night.
She smiles and asks what she can do for me.
I dropped my pants and I said, a proper thank you would be nice.
She screams and I see her dad get up from a chair.
Her dad is a real big man.
Well, I pull up my pants and jump into my truck and sped out of there.
So, never pick up hitchhikers.
Relative's Bathroom
My parents dragged me along to visit the Aunt and her family.
Now, I love everyone in my family, after all, they are family, but I can't help hating them. So, in the following story, I have no regrets.
We ate dinner and played some board games, which I usually win.
At one point in the night, I had to use the restroom.
So, I go to the bathroom to go #1.
My Aunt's bathroom is pretty big. As I was urinating, I couldn't help but to admire myself in the huge mirror.
With my attention elsewhere, my aim kinda steered of course and I got some mellow yellow on the floor.
I grabbed the towel that was hanging on the rack near the sink and used it to clean my little mess up.
Afterwards, I hung it back up on the rack.
A little bit later, I was walking by the bathroom. My Aunt had gone in there to wash her face.
She was drying her face off with the towel I had used to clean my mess up.
And she wondered why I refused to kiss her when we left that night.
Now, I love everyone in my family, after all, they are family, but I can't help hating them. So, in the following story, I have no regrets.
We ate dinner and played some board games, which I usually win.
At one point in the night, I had to use the restroom.
So, I go to the bathroom to go #1.
My Aunt's bathroom is pretty big. As I was urinating, I couldn't help but to admire myself in the huge mirror.
With my attention elsewhere, my aim kinda steered of course and I got some mellow yellow on the floor.
I grabbed the towel that was hanging on the rack near the sink and used it to clean my little mess up.
Afterwards, I hung it back up on the rack.
A little bit later, I was walking by the bathroom. My Aunt had gone in there to wash her face.
She was drying her face off with the towel I had used to clean my mess up.
And she wondered why I refused to kiss her when we left that night.
Comforting Confrontation
Now, when it comes to friendships, I mostly freelance. Which means, that I can get along with everyone and people consider me a friend, but we aren't real friends. I would betray them on a dime and not think a thing about it. Or, if we should see less and less of each other to the point of not at all, I wouldn't be sad.
Now, one of my more attractive female friends called me up the other day, wanting to know if I could come over to her house because she needed someone to talk to.
There was nothing good on TV, so I decided to go to her house.
Now, I can be a good listener. Which means I can listen to the talker and pay enough attention to them to nod in the right places or to give the occasional, "that's no good" or "I hear that" or "I know what you mean".
Now, this female friend, wanted to talk to be about something very personal.
She started talking, while I was busy trying to picture naked. She was talking about some party she went to, where she drank quite a bit of alcohol.
She told me she drank a little more than usual and had went to the upstairs of the house where the party was to rest a bit.
She told me, that as she laid up there, one of the male party goers came into the room.
She said the man started to fondle her and undress her. She was too weak to put up a fight. Despite her faint protests, he fondled her while taking care of herself.
Now, I didn't feel the least bit sorry for her. I'm not saying it was her fault or anything, but she wasn't entirely innocent here. Didn't feel sorry for her in the least. As it turned out, I was feeling something else entirely.
She leaned in close to me and hugged me, I hugged back. She lowered her head as she cried and then screamed out, "You sick bastard!", pushed me away and told me to get out.
I was wondering what was wrong, thinking it was that time of the month, then I realized I had a huge erection.
Lesson here: If a woman is telling you about how she was raped, don't try to picture her naked.
Now, one of my more attractive female friends called me up the other day, wanting to know if I could come over to her house because she needed someone to talk to.
There was nothing good on TV, so I decided to go to her house.
Now, I can be a good listener. Which means I can listen to the talker and pay enough attention to them to nod in the right places or to give the occasional, "that's no good" or "I hear that" or "I know what you mean".
Now, this female friend, wanted to talk to be about something very personal.
She started talking, while I was busy trying to picture naked. She was talking about some party she went to, where she drank quite a bit of alcohol.
She told me she drank a little more than usual and had went to the upstairs of the house where the party was to rest a bit.
She told me, that as she laid up there, one of the male party goers came into the room.
She said the man started to fondle her and undress her. She was too weak to put up a fight. Despite her faint protests, he fondled her while taking care of herself.
Now, I didn't feel the least bit sorry for her. I'm not saying it was her fault or anything, but she wasn't entirely innocent here. Didn't feel sorry for her in the least. As it turned out, I was feeling something else entirely.
She leaned in close to me and hugged me, I hugged back. She lowered her head as she cried and then screamed out, "You sick bastard!", pushed me away and told me to get out.
I was wondering what was wrong, thinking it was that time of the month, then I realized I had a huge erection.
Lesson here: If a woman is telling you about how she was raped, don't try to picture her naked.
Graduation Party
One of the employees at work invited me to a party he was having to celebrate his high school graduation.
I told him, "Cool, I'll be there."
He gave me directions to his house.
Now, when he invited me, he made sure to put the emphasis on "party".
So I had planned as such, not knowing his "party" was actually an open house event with most of his family there.
Upon arriving at his house, I immediately became aware of the situation at hand.
There was going to be some trouble.
My coworker saw me enter the house and introduced me around, as I was being introduced, trouble had been invited in through the front door.
The trouble was this: A stripper I had hired through a secondary party.
Now, there was some pretty good music already playing on the stereo and the stripped noted it.
She announced to the crowed living room, "I love it when the party is already up and going!"
She was an amateur stripper, probably because I paid the least amount for one, and after her little announcement, she proceeded to remover her top.
My friends father and mother showed up into the room, seeing what all the ruckus was about.
The mother shouted, "Oh my god!" The father seemed embarrassed.
And for good reason.
When the stripper saw him, instant recognition covered her face and she yelled out joyfully, "Hi Frank!"
His parent's divorce will be final next week.
I told him, "Cool, I'll be there."
He gave me directions to his house.
Now, when he invited me, he made sure to put the emphasis on "party".
So I had planned as such, not knowing his "party" was actually an open house event with most of his family there.
Upon arriving at his house, I immediately became aware of the situation at hand.
There was going to be some trouble.
My coworker saw me enter the house and introduced me around, as I was being introduced, trouble had been invited in through the front door.
The trouble was this: A stripper I had hired through a secondary party.
Now, there was some pretty good music already playing on the stereo and the stripped noted it.
She announced to the crowed living room, "I love it when the party is already up and going!"
She was an amateur stripper, probably because I paid the least amount for one, and after her little announcement, she proceeded to remover her top.
My friends father and mother showed up into the room, seeing what all the ruckus was about.
The mother shouted, "Oh my god!" The father seemed embarrassed.
And for good reason.
When the stripper saw him, instant recognition covered her face and she yelled out joyfully, "Hi Frank!"
His parent's divorce will be final next week.
The Black Guy At Work
Now, I am in no way shape or form a racist. I hate everyone equally.
What you are about to read involves a black man I work with. I would never go out of my way to mention that he is black, except for the fact that, that particular detail is significant to what I am about to tell you.
This black guy is the only black guy at our workplace. A fact that he reminds us of daily. Whenever he is asked to do a particular dirty job, he would ask the boss, "It's because I'm black ain't it?"
Well, one day, I went up to him and asked, "Can I whip you, for old time's sake?"
Well, he gets pissed off and complains to the boss.
Fucking negro.
What you are about to read involves a black man I work with. I would never go out of my way to mention that he is black, except for the fact that, that particular detail is significant to what I am about to tell you.
This black guy is the only black guy at our workplace. A fact that he reminds us of daily. Whenever he is asked to do a particular dirty job, he would ask the boss, "It's because I'm black ain't it?"
Well, one day, I went up to him and asked, "Can I whip you, for old time's sake?"
Well, he gets pissed off and complains to the boss.
Fucking negro.
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