Another Bad Date

I swear, I need to move. The women in this town just ain't cutting it.


So, I get this girls number and we set up a date. We meet at Applebee's to have dinner.



We have typical date conversation.

Finally, I tell her I'm a bit of a funny man.

She brightens, saying she likes to hear good jokes and she says she wants me to tell one.


Deciding to come up with a joke on the spot, I told her this:



"How did the teenage girl get rid of her dead baby?"

She got a real funny look on her face, I knew she wasn't going to attempt to answer.

So I told her, "She flushed it down the toilet!"

I had a laugh and my brilliant little joke, but she just simply looked at her plate and didn't say a word.


She whispered something. I could just barely hear it, but I knew the date was over.


She excused herself and stiffed me with the entire bill.

Another oversensitive woman. Seriously, this town is full of them.








Oh yeah, what she said.

She said...."I had a miscarriage two years ago."

Oh Deer

Saturday Night.


I was on a third date with this hot little number I met at the Bowling Alley. She was a good girl, crazy bout Elvis. Loved horses and America too. But that's not really important.


What is important is I have yet to bed this girl...and after what happened last night, I doubt I ever will.


I had only gotten to first base with this girl, after the second date, and I wasn't expecting coach to signal me to second base last night. The reason being: I had to work 3rd shift at my job.


Well, 9:30PM came along and I had to get ready, so we finished our date I drove her home.


10 years of driving in Indiana and I had yet to hit a deer. That changed last night.


Well, I should offer a correction to that, the deer hit me.


We were driving along the country road, cause she lived in the country, and out of nowhere, this deer come jumping out of the bushes.

Right into the side of my jeep.


We hear the thump, I yell out an expletive, she scream out, but I continue to drive. After all, it's not like I collided with some kid or something.


She pleads with me to stop to see if the deer is all right.

I tell her it's the deer's own **bleep** fault for being stupid.


Well, I could tell she was really upset about it and since I really liked her, I decided to go back to see if the deer was roadkill or not.


I turned off into the side road to turn around. As I started to back up, the back wheels went over a bump. I reversed all the way and the front wheels went over the bump as well.

Except there was no bump when I pulled in there...it was the deer. Apparently..it had got caught on my fended and we dragged it for about 50 yards.


She screams out "Oh my, the poor thing!!!"

I just shrugged.

She said, "Go out there and see how it's doing."

I went to open my door.


Now, before I continue with this tale, there is something I need to tell you about. My driver side door was broken for the longest time. It was about ready to fall off. I had to wait until I got my tax refund checks to get it fixed. It cost quite a bit.


So....back to the story. I went to open my door.


It wouldn't open. The deer had struck it so hard..it jammed it shut.



Now I was pissed.


I told her she needed to get out so I could climb out of the passenger side.

She got out and so did I.

We both walked up to the deer and saw it was really hurt.

I looked at the side of my jeep..dented all to hell. Tried my door again. It would budge.


I go back over to her and the deer.

She was kneeling down next to thing, stroking it's head and telling it, "It'll be ok. It'll be ok".

I tell her, "If the thing was smart enough to understand English, then it would be smart enough not to dive head first onto a two ton vehicle going 45 miles per hour."

She looks up at me, tears rolling down her cheeks, and said, "I'm just trying to comfort it. It's going to die. You should put it out of it's misery."


Now, normally, I'd hate to see such a creature suffer like that. But the thought of all the money I put in to get that door fixed and the fact that this stupid beast decided it wanted to Hunter S. Thompson itself by diving into the side of my jeep, I had other plans.

I got into the passenger side and grabbed my Dr. Pepper.

I then leaned up against my jeep and stared at the deer.


My date looked at me, puzzled, and asked, "What are you doing?"


I took a drink and smiled. I said, "I'm going to watch this thing suffer and die".

Now, whenever I say something particularly evil, I always have to give out a good chuckle. But the look of horror that appeared on my date's face when I said that..well, I had to laugh really loud.


About ten minutes later, the deer finally dies. By this time, she's already back in the jeep, just sitting there crying.


I drive her home, she's not speaking. When she gets out to leave, I tell her I'll call her. She doesn't respond.

I get home.


I go to check my door one more time when something finally dawns on me....


I took out my keys and unlocked my door.


It opened up fine.

Some Girls Cannot Take A Joke

There is something to be said about humor in this day in age. Just when you think certain things are no longer taboo, you come across somebody who makes you think twice on that.

The other night, I got lucky.

Lucky meaning I had sex.


I met her Wal-Mart of all places. We were both looking at DVDs. I was instantly attracted to her and the look in her eyes and the smile that she gave me told me the same was true for her.


And then, just like something out of a movie, we both reached for the same DVD.

It was Lucky Number Sleven, but that is besides the point.

We got to talking.


It was both pretty clear to us that neither of us was looking for a relationship, just a bit of a good time.

I walked with her as she finished her shopping, and came to found out she had a bit of dark humor in her.



We got back to her place, where I told her I didn't have any condoms. (I was too engaged in conversation with her at Wal-Mart to to think about getting them there, which was ironic, because sex was on my mind the entire time)


She said it was alright, she was on the pill.

Now, that was a bit of a jab to my ego, because when a girl says she's on the pill, that pretty much means she's a whore.

Oh well, no stopping me.


We did our deeds...a good long hour and a half of it. She got too exhausted.

As I was putting on my clothes, I thought of something funny to say, something that someone with some dark humor would appreciate.

I told her, "Oh, by the way, I have AIDS."




She starts to cry and begins to scream.

I told her I was just joking, but she continued to scream.


I swear, just when you think you know somebody, they turn your world around.

A Valentine's To Remember

I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day. But, it is a good day to get laid. Unless you are dating a girl humor issues.


It was my third date with this girl in two weeks. Things were going very well. For our date on Feb. 14th, took her to a nice fancy restaurant, and afterwards, a stroll through town.

You see, after our second date, I had called her up the day after and asked her to go out that night. She said something had happened in her family, and she wouldn't be able to go out with me for awhile. So, five days later, I got her to go out with me on Valentine's.

So, on this third date, she was quiet and whatever had happened, she didn't want to talk about it.

On our walk through town, we came to a park. I started leading us into the park, but she said she'd rather not walk through there.

I told her it would be all right.

She looked to the ground and agreed,

As we walked, she seemed kind of nervous. I did my best to make her feel better. But, I was on the look out for something to really break the ice that had covered over us.

Then I saw it.

5 feet away from us in the parking lot, was a chalk outline sketch

I said to her, "Hey watch this!"

I ran over to the sketch and laid down in it.

I yelled out, "Look at me, I'm a dead body!"

She screamed and said, "That's where my brother was shot and killed almost a week ago!"

She took off running.


If it hadn't been for that, I probably would have gotten laid that night.