Food Stamps

I had to run some errands in town today. While doing this, I managed to come across something that caught my eye. Something I knew I could use to have some really good fun.

For the fun to begin, I had to find some poor white trash chick. And like most of the white trash bitches in this country, the ones around my town are the kind that pump out kid after kid, are on welfare, and only date Mexicans or black dudes.

But that didn't matter. It really wasn't important for the task at hand.

I cruised around the poor section of town for a good half hour 'till I spotted the perfect broke slut to spring my trap on.


I got out of my jeep and went up to her.

"Excuse me, miss." I said, holding back laughter.

She said, "Yeah, What choo want?"

I pulled an envelope out of my pocket.

I said, "Now, I'm going to venture a guess here and say you are probably on food stamps."

She said, "Yeah, I am. What's it to you?"

I said, "It just so happens, I have got several food stamps in this here envelope. And they can be all yours."

She asked, "What do I got to do?"

I smiled and said, "Let's not fool ourselves here. You've probably have had more dicks in you than a glory hole in the restroom at some gay bar. So, one little blowjob from you to me shouldn't be a big deal."

She asked, "How much choo got in there. I gots kids to feed."

I asked, "How many kids do you have?"

She said, "Just the two."

I said, "Trust me, there are plenty of food stamps in here."

We headed over to an alley and she performed her duties.

After she cleaned up, she took the envelope from me.

She opened it up and looked inside and saw the food stamps.


Or should I say, the postage stamps that had food on them. I saw them when I went to the Post Office.

She looked at them and asked, "What the fuck is this?"

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Food stamps." I turned around and walked away.

As I was walking off, I heard one of her kids ask, "Mommy, do we get something to eat too?"

Mistaken Identity

This happened several years ago...



I'm lying in bed, trying to get to sleep.

Then something beyond belief happened.



A very drunk woman came stumbling into my room. I began to speak out to the woman, but my curiosity to see what the woman would do silenced me.

She then climbed onto my bed. I leaned up, watching this woman inch her way toward midsection.

She pulled off my covers and began to unzip my fly.


I let this happen.


She then pulled out my Raging Red Rocket and looked up at me and said, "You ready for this Dan?"

My name is Richard.


She then starts the sucking.


Well, I let this go on for a minute or two...who really knows, but I started feeling a bit bad for letting this drunken broad think she's syphoning sperm on someone she knows.


So I spoke up and said...




"Mom, your room is across the hall."

Oh Deer

Saturday Night.


I was on a third date with this hot little number I met at the Bowling Alley. She was a good girl, crazy bout Elvis. Loved horses and America too. But that's not really important.


What is important is I have yet to bed this girl...and after what happened last night, I doubt I ever will.


I had only gotten to first base with this girl, after the second date, and I wasn't expecting coach to signal me to second base last night. The reason being: I had to work 3rd shift at my job.


Well, 9:30PM came along and I had to get ready, so we finished our date I drove her home.


10 years of driving in Indiana and I had yet to hit a deer. That changed last night.


Well, I should offer a correction to that, the deer hit me.


We were driving along the country road, cause she lived in the country, and out of nowhere, this deer come jumping out of the bushes.

Right into the side of my jeep.


We hear the thump, I yell out an expletive, she scream out, but I continue to drive. After all, it's not like I collided with some kid or something.


She pleads with me to stop to see if the deer is all right.

I tell her it's the deer's own **bleep** fault for being stupid.


Well, I could tell she was really upset about it and since I really liked her, I decided to go back to see if the deer was roadkill or not.


I turned off into the side road to turn around. As I started to back up, the back wheels went over a bump. I reversed all the way and the front wheels went over the bump as well.

Except there was no bump when I pulled in there...it was the deer. Apparently..it had got caught on my fended and we dragged it for about 50 yards.


She screams out "Oh my, the poor thing!!!"

I just shrugged.

She said, "Go out there and see how it's doing."

I went to open my door.


Now, before I continue with this tale, there is something I need to tell you about. My driver side door was broken for the longest time. It was about ready to fall off. I had to wait until I got my tax refund checks to get it fixed. It cost quite a bit.


So....back to the story. I went to open my door.


It wouldn't open. The deer had struck it so hard..it jammed it shut.



Now I was pissed.


I told her she needed to get out so I could climb out of the passenger side.

She got out and so did I.

We both walked up to the deer and saw it was really hurt.

I looked at the side of my jeep..dented all to hell. Tried my door again. It would budge.


I go back over to her and the deer.

She was kneeling down next to thing, stroking it's head and telling it, "It'll be ok. It'll be ok".

I tell her, "If the thing was smart enough to understand English, then it would be smart enough not to dive head first onto a two ton vehicle going 45 miles per hour."

She looks up at me, tears rolling down her cheeks, and said, "I'm just trying to comfort it. It's going to die. You should put it out of it's misery."


Now, normally, I'd hate to see such a creature suffer like that. But the thought of all the money I put in to get that door fixed and the fact that this stupid beast decided it wanted to Hunter S. Thompson itself by diving into the side of my jeep, I had other plans.

I got into the passenger side and grabbed my Dr. Pepper.

I then leaned up against my jeep and stared at the deer.


My date looked at me, puzzled, and asked, "What are you doing?"


I took a drink and smiled. I said, "I'm going to watch this thing suffer and die".

Now, whenever I say something particularly evil, I always have to give out a good chuckle. But the look of horror that appeared on my date's face when I said that..well, I had to laugh really loud.


About ten minutes later, the deer finally dies. By this time, she's already back in the jeep, just sitting there crying.


I drive her home, she's not speaking. When she gets out to leave, I tell her I'll call her. She doesn't respond.

I get home.


I go to check my door one more time when something finally dawns on me....


I took out my keys and unlocked my door.


It opened up fine.

Working With A Pregnant Chick

This happened a couple of years ago.

This chick starts working at Taco Bell. She's a hottie and she's also 2 months pregnant.

Anyway, we hit it off, and she indicates to me she would like to have a sexual encounter with me.

I tell her I won't stick my meat into the oven when there's already a turkey cooking in there.

She said that a lot of women are still sexually active during the first few months of a pregnancy.

I told her I was afraid that when I stuck it in there, the kid might latch on or something.

She said it wasn't anywhere near that developed.

I told her sorry, but I'm still not interested in having intercourse with a preggo.


Well, the next day she had called in, claiming she had a doctors appointment.

A couple days after that, she came back to work, and sure enough, she did have a doctors appointment.

With an abortionist.



A month later, she had to get another abortion.

Some Girls Cannot Take A Joke

There is something to be said about humor in this day in age. Just when you think certain things are no longer taboo, you come across somebody who makes you think twice on that.

The other night, I got lucky.

Lucky meaning I had sex.


I met her Wal-Mart of all places. We were both looking at DVDs. I was instantly attracted to her and the look in her eyes and the smile that she gave me told me the same was true for her.


And then, just like something out of a movie, we both reached for the same DVD.

It was Lucky Number Sleven, but that is besides the point.

We got to talking.


It was both pretty clear to us that neither of us was looking for a relationship, just a bit of a good time.

I walked with her as she finished her shopping, and came to found out she had a bit of dark humor in her.



We got back to her place, where I told her I didn't have any condoms. (I was too engaged in conversation with her at Wal-Mart to to think about getting them there, which was ironic, because sex was on my mind the entire time)


She said it was alright, she was on the pill.

Now, that was a bit of a jab to my ego, because when a girl says she's on the pill, that pretty much means she's a whore.

Oh well, no stopping me.


We did our deeds...a good long hour and a half of it. She got too exhausted.

As I was putting on my clothes, I thought of something funny to say, something that someone with some dark humor would appreciate.

I told her, "Oh, by the way, I have AIDS."




She starts to cry and begins to scream.

I told her I was just joking, but she continued to scream.


I swear, just when you think you know somebody, they turn your world around.

Meeting An Online Girlfriend

This story is a little embarrassing, but it's something I need to get off of my chest.

I need it out of my system and I find these boards to be a great place to exercise my need to vent.

Last month, I met a girl online.

We had played a game of Literati on yahoo games (which is basically Scrabble).

During the game, we chatted. After the game was over, she asked me if I would like to continue the conversation through IM.

I agreed.


We spent a good three hours talking that night. I got her name, age, likes, dislikes..all of the usual.


It turned out she was younger than me, but that was alright, I really don't like dating women my own age.

She liked a lot of the same movies I liked. Read some of the same books. Had similar taste in music.

But the great thing was, she only lived an hour away from me.

A couple weeks of talking, we moved on to the picture exchange.

She was a real hottie and through some miracle, she wasn't scared off by my appearance.


Another week went by. I asked her if I could meet her. She said yes, and gave me directions to a park in her town.

The next day, I drove there and found the park.

She told me she would meet me at a bench on the north end of the park. I found it, but the only person sitting there was a heavyset lady in her forties.

I was shocked when the woman called out my name.

She then identified herself as one of those "Internet Predator Hunters".

I told her that was a bit redundant and I took of running.

A Valentine's To Remember

I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day. But, it is a good day to get laid. Unless you are dating a girl humor issues.


It was my third date with this girl in two weeks. Things were going very well. For our date on Feb. 14th, took her to a nice fancy restaurant, and afterwards, a stroll through town.

You see, after our second date, I had called her up the day after and asked her to go out that night. She said something had happened in her family, and she wouldn't be able to go out with me for awhile. So, five days later, I got her to go out with me on Valentine's.

So, on this third date, she was quiet and whatever had happened, she didn't want to talk about it.

On our walk through town, we came to a park. I started leading us into the park, but she said she'd rather not walk through there.

I told her it would be all right.

She looked to the ground and agreed,

As we walked, she seemed kind of nervous. I did my best to make her feel better. But, I was on the look out for something to really break the ice that had covered over us.

Then I saw it.

5 feet away from us in the parking lot, was a chalk outline sketch

I said to her, "Hey watch this!"

I ran over to the sketch and laid down in it.

I yelled out, "Look at me, I'm a dead body!"

She screamed and said, "That's where my brother was shot and killed almost a week ago!"

She took off running.


If it hadn't been for that, I probably would have gotten laid that night.

Hitchhikers

So, a few nights ago I'm driving home from work. I had to close that night, so it's around 3 AM. As I'm heading down Highway 24 towards Highway 35, I see this hitchhiker.

It's 30 some degrees outside, so I thought I'd be nice.

The hitchhiker gets into my truck. She was a fairly nice looking girl, probably around 17.

I asked her where she was headed, telling her I probably couldn't take her very far.

She said to her house in Royal Center.

I told her, ok, that's only ten minutes away, I can take you home.

So we're driving down 35 towards Center and we engage into some small talk.

She's got a nice voice and she's laughing at my jokes.

We get to her house, she says thanks, and she got out of the truck and went inside her house.

On the way back to my place, I'm thinking about how I was robbed a "proper" thank you.

I thought, it was cold and she was probably tired, so she really wasn't up for one.

Well, 2 days after that, I'm just driving around, enjoying the nice country view, and I start feeling randy.

So I drive to Royal Center and I go to that girl's house and I knock on her door.

She answers it and looks at me as though she don't know me.

She asks who I am and I tell her I'm the guy who gave her a ride the other night.

She smiles and asks what she can do for me.

I dropped my pants and I said, a proper thank you would be nice.

She screams and I see her dad get up from a chair.

Her dad is a real big man.

Well, I pull up my pants and jump into my truck and sped out of there.

So, never pick up hitchhikers.