Never Give Rides To Co-Workers 4

I was happy today.

I got up, after a 4 hour sleep, but it felt like it was 8. It was raining outside...and as the Garbage song goes, "I'm only happy when it rains."

I had to work the lunch shift at Arby's today. And things were running smooth for a change. Nothing stressful happened..just smooth running.

10 minutes before my shift was over, the drive-thru girl came over to ask me a question.

Can I give her a lift home?


Now...in the past, I've given rides to co-workers just to be nice and those have always ended up bad for somebody, so now I've made it a rule not to give any rides to co-workers unless they are hot and there was a chance of some sort of sexual payment.

I broke the rules today.

She was not attractive and gawd knows there would be no sexual payment for this ride home, let alone any monetary payment, unless I wanted food stamps.


But, I was in a good mood, so I thought, "Eh, what could it hurt".


And of course, I would find out exactly what it would hurt.

After our shift was over, we get in my Cherokee take off, and then she drops the bomb on me:

We have to pick up her kids.



The happiness that I was feeling melted away like the skin of the Nazi's at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark.


I don;t say anything though, I just nod. The dark cloud that was brewing within my had prevented me from saying anything, but that little voice, the one I usually ignore was saying: "It'll be ok."

Boy was he wrong.


We go to her babysitters.

She goes in to get them and I stay out in the jeep comptemplating on whether or not to take off and leave her there.

I shake my head and mentally kick myself for staying.

She comes out with her two brats and they are already throwing a fit.

She gets them in and gets in herself say, "I'm sorry they were watching their favorite show and didn't want to leave."

I just nodded.

She tells me where she lives and I head over there.

And a few moments later...it happened.

And when it did, I let out a yell so loud and powerful, the people in the car in front of us turned around to look.



One of her little insects puked on my seat.


She began to apologize, but it was too late for her.

She said she would clean it up but I just looked over at her and said, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it."


And that's when I moved my fingers over the little control console on my door and lowered the passenger side and backseat windows.


Immediately her and her brats began to be soaked and she screamed, "What in the hell are you doing!"


I said I was cleaning up the mess.

She screamed at me to roll up her windows but I did not.

We get to her house she jumps out the door, gets her kids out, and screams at me, "If they get pneumonia, I'm going to sue your ass!".



I hope her lawyer takes food stamps.

Oh Deer

Saturday Night.


I was on a third date with this hot little number I met at the Bowling Alley. She was a good girl, crazy bout Elvis. Loved horses and America too. But that's not really important.


What is important is I have yet to bed this girl...and after what happened last night, I doubt I ever will.


I had only gotten to first base with this girl, after the second date, and I wasn't expecting coach to signal me to second base last night. The reason being: I had to work 3rd shift at my job.


Well, 9:30PM came along and I had to get ready, so we finished our date I drove her home.


10 years of driving in Indiana and I had yet to hit a deer. That changed last night.


Well, I should offer a correction to that, the deer hit me.


We were driving along the country road, cause she lived in the country, and out of nowhere, this deer come jumping out of the bushes.

Right into the side of my jeep.


We hear the thump, I yell out an expletive, she scream out, but I continue to drive. After all, it's not like I collided with some kid or something.


She pleads with me to stop to see if the deer is all right.

I tell her it's the deer's own **bleep** fault for being stupid.


Well, I could tell she was really upset about it and since I really liked her, I decided to go back to see if the deer was roadkill or not.


I turned off into the side road to turn around. As I started to back up, the back wheels went over a bump. I reversed all the way and the front wheels went over the bump as well.

Except there was no bump when I pulled in there...it was the deer. Apparently..it had got caught on my fended and we dragged it for about 50 yards.


She screams out "Oh my, the poor thing!!!"

I just shrugged.

She said, "Go out there and see how it's doing."

I went to open my door.


Now, before I continue with this tale, there is something I need to tell you about. My driver side door was broken for the longest time. It was about ready to fall off. I had to wait until I got my tax refund checks to get it fixed. It cost quite a bit.


So....back to the story. I went to open my door.


It wouldn't open. The deer had struck it so hard..it jammed it shut.



Now I was pissed.


I told her she needed to get out so I could climb out of the passenger side.

She got out and so did I.

We both walked up to the deer and saw it was really hurt.

I looked at the side of my jeep..dented all to hell. Tried my door again. It would budge.


I go back over to her and the deer.

She was kneeling down next to thing, stroking it's head and telling it, "It'll be ok. It'll be ok".

I tell her, "If the thing was smart enough to understand English, then it would be smart enough not to dive head first onto a two ton vehicle going 45 miles per hour."

She looks up at me, tears rolling down her cheeks, and said, "I'm just trying to comfort it. It's going to die. You should put it out of it's misery."


Now, normally, I'd hate to see such a creature suffer like that. But the thought of all the money I put in to get that door fixed and the fact that this stupid beast decided it wanted to Hunter S. Thompson itself by diving into the side of my jeep, I had other plans.

I got into the passenger side and grabbed my Dr. Pepper.

I then leaned up against my jeep and stared at the deer.


My date looked at me, puzzled, and asked, "What are you doing?"


I took a drink and smiled. I said, "I'm going to watch this thing suffer and die".

Now, whenever I say something particularly evil, I always have to give out a good chuckle. But the look of horror that appeared on my date's face when I said that..well, I had to laugh really loud.


About ten minutes later, the deer finally dies. By this time, she's already back in the jeep, just sitting there crying.


I drive her home, she's not speaking. When she gets out to leave, I tell her I'll call her. She doesn't respond.

I get home.


I go to check my door one more time when something finally dawns on me....


I took out my keys and unlocked my door.


It opened up fine.

Never Give Rides To Co-Workers 3

It seems that some people just don't know any good manners when they are being given a ride in another peron's car.

I had to teach such manners to a co-worker one time.



She was a big woman, the kind of woman that redneck toothless losers seem to love, and she had a crush on me.

Now, the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt another human being's feelings....so I have never given her any sign that I would be interested into plowing into her mountainous flesh.


One night, she thought she might actually have had me cornered. We both were getting off of work at the same time and she offered me this proposal:

She would give me 10 dollars if I could drive her up to Wal-Mart, but first I had to drive her home so she could change clothes.

She also told me she would be meeting a friend up there, so I wouldn't have to take her back home.



Now, of course, I knew this was just a ploy to spend time with me. If she were meeting her friend up at Wal-Mart, why couldn't her friend just pick her up at work?

Now, I would have never decided to do this, if the money offer wasn't involved.

Several minutes of listening to this braod trying to impress me would be worth 10 bucks...so I accepted.


When we both got off of work, we got into my jeep.

In an effort to quell any attempt by her to start a conversation, I immediately turned on the stereo.


Of course, she was a rude cow and talked over the stereo. But this wasn't the rudest part.


No big deal, I drowned her out.

Now, we get to her house, she gives me the ten and says she'll be back out in a few minutes.


And, just like a typical woman, it takes her forever to change clothes.

Actually, I don't know how long it took, because after ten minutes of waiting, I took off without her.

And went to Wal-Mart to buy a DVD, hoping for another chance encounter with an attractive woman.



Funny thing, my coworkers friend, whom happened to know me, saw me and asked where she was.

Apparently this plan to have me be her chauffeur was planned out in advanced.

And the second after I get done telling the friend what I did, the friend recieves "You have a call at the front desk" announcement over the intercom.

Never Give Rides To Co-Workers 2

Here's another tale of trouble with the people I worked with. This took place a few years ago



6 to Close.

That was what I was scheduled to work that particular Wednesday.

So, having been up all night Tuesday and into Wednesday morning, I was planning on getting a good 5 hours sleep between 10 and 5.

I laid down on my air mattress and got myself comfortable.


Then my phone rang.

And like an idiot, I answered it.

"Hello", I said.

"Hey. This is Andrea. (my boss). Penny (her boss) said that you and the other two shift managers need to go down to Noblesville today at 1."

"Why?"

"Because there is going to be a meeting with the new company with all of the shift managers."


I groaned. One o'clock. Ok, I was thinking, I can get to Noblesville in an hour. I can get at least a couple hours of sleep.

Then she said,

"But I need you all up here for a manager meeting at 11 to go over the new computer system we got.


I love starting days out like this.


So I get up there. We have our little meeting. It takes me 5 seconds to get use to the new programs and what-not. Not the other imbeciles who claim the prestigious title of Manager.

But oh well. Meeting over at 11:45.

I had asked Andrea if I could leave our little meeting early since I knew everything, but she wanted me to stick around, just in case.

So, I get into my new Jeep Cherokee with the intention of grabbing some Rally's on my way down to Noblesville, when I am approached by the other two Shift Managers.

They ask me if I could drive them down there in my Jeep.

They'd pay me for the gas of course.

And, like an idiot, I accepted.

Ok, ready? Off we go.

12 Noon. We had left my town and we were on our way to Noblesville.

But, alas! One of the festering little butt spores had forgotten their cell phone back in their car.

She asked me to turn around so I could get it.

And, like an idiot, I do so.

12:20 Pm. We are now leaving my town and are well on our way to Noblesville.

No Rally's on the way there. Fine, I'll just pick some up on the way back.

Doing 80. Have to make up for lost time.

The two moronic half-human twits are engaged in a conversation about gawd knows what.

I turn up my music. MY stereo which is playing MY mp3 player in MY Jeep.

The ignorant scum-sucking toad sitting in the passenger side reaches his grubby little hand over and turns down my music.



Now, I'm a laid back kind of person. I can take the heat and I don't let myself be bothered by trivial things.

But there is one thing you do not to around me. And that is turn down MY music in MY vehicle.


I sped up to 90.


Going 90, I slammed on my brakes.

Knowing what was coming, I had braced myself. They did not.

The faggot in the passenger seat went flying forward, head cracking on the dashboard.
The backseat bitch went face first into the back of my head cushion.

To the left of me...a twerp with a serious headache.
Behind me....a bitch with a bloody nose.


I simple stared straight forward and said,

"Don't you ever touch my fucking radio again."

We got to the meeting with five minutes to spare.

Never Give Rides To Co-Workers 1

I recall one night I had to close at Taco Bell.

One of the other closing employees needed a ride home.

I, being the generous guy that I am, offered to give him a lift.

After he got into my car, he put on his seatbelt.

I had never been more insulted in my entire life.

I asked him, "What? You don't trust my driving?"

He says, "It's not you man, it's the law."

I say, "This is not about the law. This is about respect."

He tried to act as though he had no idea what I was talking about.

I asked him, "Do you that just because there is a little snow on the ground, I'm going to wreck car and kill us in a giant fireball?"

He tells me, "Nah, man. It's nothing like that. I always put my seatbelt on when I get into someone's car."

I gave him an ultimatum: Either take off the seat belt or walk home.

He tells me he'd rather walk than ride in a car with a dictator and he gets out.


I took off and dropped my deposite off at the bank and headed home.

He had walked a good two blocks when I drove by him.

Well actually I slammed on the horn and swerved toward him, causing him to jump into a big pile of snow.