Bipolar Disorder

When you work a crappy job, you pretty much have to subscribe to the reality that during those hours you are working, you are no longer "alive". You are just a zombie.





Especially if you work in public service.





But during those hours, you are always on the lookout for something to latch onto, something that will remind you that there is something to live for outside of the hell you were hired onto.



Whether it be mundane conversations with coworkers you would not normally hang out with, or oogling the fine ladies that come into your store. Any hint of something better than you current position is a welcome.



This goes double when you are on the lookout to find a new lady to bring into your life.





Such was the case with me not too long ago.





A new girl was hired on to work the night shifts, which I happen to be a manage on some nights. When I saw her, it was like a breath of fresh air. Some real eye candy this one was. Which was a much welcome relief, because the women I have been working with made me start to wonder f nature had introduced the beasts to quell the human population. Yes, they are that ugly.





Anyway, after working a couple of days with this girl, I got to know her a little better. Nice attitude, got along with everybody.



After a few days, I decided to make my move.



I went up to her, and said, "Hey, if you're not doing anything after work tonight, you want to go grab a bite to eat with me?"





She blushed a little and said she would have to think about it.



That's fine. A couple hours passed and I decided to ask her again.



This time I got a completely different reaction.



I asked her, "Have you thought about it yet?"



Her face got deep red...and not from blushing.



She screamed out, "Why do you keep bugging me about this? Huh? Why don't you just leave me alone and quit harassing me!



Now, she screamed this out so loud, everybody, and I do mean everybody, in the store is looking at us. I just stood there, like a deer in headlights, I didn't know what to do or say. Her reaction had caught me completely off guard. After I recovered from my frozen state, I quickly walked away from her.



I had never been so embarrassed in my life.



And that's not something I easily forgive.





I pulled one of the workers into the manager's office.



I said to him, "Mark, what the hell is the deal with that psycho bitch?"



Mark said, "I don't know, but I'll find out for you."



He left the office and I sat in there deciding what to do next. Not only was I turned down for a date, but she also metaphorically castrated me in front of everybody. I had to deal with this bitch, had to get rid of her somehow.



A few minutes later, Mark came back into the office.



Mark said, "Well, you won't believe this, she's bipolar."





A light bulb went off in my head.





The next morning, I had a little chat with my boss, who told me that I should come to him if I had any problems with my employees on the night shift.





This is what I said to him, "I have some concerns with the new girl. Last night, I had asked her to do something. Later on when I asked her about it again, she blew up in my face. I come to find out she has this bipolar disorder. So, you see my concern about her being around the customers."



The boss said he was afraid that this might happen and he told me he would deal with it. And he did.



He canned her Norman Bates ass.

The Other Victims of the Holocaust

3rd shift at Arby's isn't as fun as it sounds. We work with minimal staff...four people at the most. So when we get busy, we get busy. But there are always a couple of hours of hardly any customers.


Such as it is, those hours are dedicated to cleaning and joking around.

Last weekend, it was 3 of us working on a Saturday. Myself, Roger, and Chris.

Chris and I share an appreciation for dark humor. Roger, however, does not.

Roger, you see, got back from Iraq a few months ago. Having seen the dark side of human nature has taken a bit out of ol' Rog.

Nothing a little humor could cure, right? That's what we thought to.


The night started out simple, a barrage of dead baby jokes. Such as, "What do you get when you stab a dead baby? An erection!"

Chris and I were having were having some good laughs, Roger just stayed quiet for the most part. At one point, he asked us how we could possibly find humor in dead kids.

I said, "When you chop them up enough, you can find anything."


He certainly didn't like that and went back to his task of cleaning.

We got busy.

Later on when the action died down, we back to joking.

I asked Chris, "What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?"

He didn't know.

I said, "The Holocaust stupid."

He had a good laugh at that but Roger got furious.

He said, "That's it. That's where I draw the line. I can stand here and listen to you two joke about dead babies and minorities, but I won't let you joke about that. My grandmother was in a Concentration Camp."

Well, that brought about some awkward silence.

Finally I said, "I thought you were Catholic."

Roger said, "Yes, I am. But my grandmother was Jewish."

Our joking momentum having been interrupted by Mr. Sensitive Soldier did not sit well we me. I could have dropped the whole thing and moved on, but no. That's not how I roll."

I asked Roger, "How do you fit a hundred Jews into a car?"

Roger just gave me an angry look.

I said, "You dump them in the ashtrays."

Roger threw the pan he was holding to the floor.

Roger screamed, "How dare you! You stand there and make fun of mass genocide. You don't know anything. I want you to stand there and think about all of those families that were ruined and destroyed by that. I want you to stand there, think about that, and still tell me you think it's funny."


That's when I got serious.

I said, "You know Roger, you are right. It was a terrible part of our history. And this is an issue that is sensitive to you. I understand that. All of those Jewish lives that were affected. Yeah, I get it. But you stand there and talk about the Jews, but I doubt you have given any thought about the other victims of the Holocaust."

Roger looked at me, puzzled.

He asked, "Who are you talking about?"

I said, "After the Holocaust was over, there is a group of people that became affected that history tends to ignore. But I haven't forgot about them as you have."

Again, he asked "Who?"

I said, "All of those Germans who lost their jobs."


He looked at me, flabbergasted.

I continued.

"Yeah. All of those Germans who worked at those camps have now found themselves without a job. Think about. Daddy Homburg comes home to his family and says, 'Sorry kids, daddy no longer has job. We must eat the rats now, ya'. You see, I have thought about the Holocaust and and who have suffered. And I have now put a human face on it. Look at that."

Chris and I handled the rest of the night well with just the two of us.

Never Give Rides To Co-Workers 4

I was happy today.

I got up, after a 4 hour sleep, but it felt like it was 8. It was raining outside...and as the Garbage song goes, "I'm only happy when it rains."

I had to work the lunch shift at Arby's today. And things were running smooth for a change. Nothing stressful happened..just smooth running.

10 minutes before my shift was over, the drive-thru girl came over to ask me a question.

Can I give her a lift home?


Now...in the past, I've given rides to co-workers just to be nice and those have always ended up bad for somebody, so now I've made it a rule not to give any rides to co-workers unless they are hot and there was a chance of some sort of sexual payment.

I broke the rules today.

She was not attractive and gawd knows there would be no sexual payment for this ride home, let alone any monetary payment, unless I wanted food stamps.


But, I was in a good mood, so I thought, "Eh, what could it hurt".


And of course, I would find out exactly what it would hurt.

After our shift was over, we get in my Cherokee take off, and then she drops the bomb on me:

We have to pick up her kids.



The happiness that I was feeling melted away like the skin of the Nazi's at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark.


I don;t say anything though, I just nod. The dark cloud that was brewing within my had prevented me from saying anything, but that little voice, the one I usually ignore was saying: "It'll be ok."

Boy was he wrong.


We go to her babysitters.

She goes in to get them and I stay out in the jeep comptemplating on whether or not to take off and leave her there.

I shake my head and mentally kick myself for staying.

She comes out with her two brats and they are already throwing a fit.

She gets them in and gets in herself say, "I'm sorry they were watching their favorite show and didn't want to leave."

I just nodded.

She tells me where she lives and I head over there.

And a few moments later...it happened.

And when it did, I let out a yell so loud and powerful, the people in the car in front of us turned around to look.



One of her little insects puked on my seat.


She began to apologize, but it was too late for her.

She said she would clean it up but I just looked over at her and said, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it."


And that's when I moved my fingers over the little control console on my door and lowered the passenger side and backseat windows.


Immediately her and her brats began to be soaked and she screamed, "What in the hell are you doing!"


I said I was cleaning up the mess.

She screamed at me to roll up her windows but I did not.

We get to her house she jumps out the door, gets her kids out, and screams at me, "If they get pneumonia, I'm going to sue your ass!".



I hope her lawyer takes food stamps.

Death at Work

Some people have the problem of never thinking before they speak. Now, those who know me, would say I have the same problem.

I disagree. You see, I have no problem with saying what's on my mind. And If someone should be hurt by my words, well then, that's life.

I'll give you an example, this happened at work the other day.


Last week, this girl I work with lost her mother in car accident.


Then, the other day at work, I saw my coworker Daniel, putting on his jacket and getting his stuff. Which was odd, because he had just got to work an hour before.


I yelled at him, "Where the fuck do you think you're going, Danny-boy?"


He gave me a dirty look.


For some mad reason, I decided to ask him, "Well then, who made who?"

He then started to cry and left.



I didn't know what was going on, so I asked the boss.

He said Daniel's father just died.



Knowing that information, my mind went over the encounter I had just had with Daniel. I gave out a hearty laugh.


I then said, "Damn, people's parents are dropping like flies around here".

My boss's mouth dropped open. And then I heard more crying.

I had completely forgot that the girl whose mother had died had come back to work that day.

Not one to be daunted by how other's feel about me, I decided there was no harm in giving the girl something really to cry about.

I said, "Well, we wouldn't be having this epidemic if some people's parents weren't steering the wheel while steering a bottle of Jim Bean to their mouths."

The girl took off towards the bathroom. Not even the walls could quiet the cries we heard.

By this time, the whole place is staring at me.

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Eh. My parents are still alive."

Giving Advice to Co-Workers

Now, I do my best to get along with the people I work with. Everyone works better in a friendly environment.

But sometimes, it's hard to be nice when you are working with such annoyance.


For example, this gay guy I work with.

You should know, that I don't care who's sleeping with who...all I care about is who is sleeping with me...unless I paid for them, then I don't care about them at all.



Now, this gay guy is flamboyant. Really.


And he's sensitive too. He hates all of my good jokes. He wouldn't talk to me for two days after I told him the Poor Blind Herbie joke.


Anyway, he and one of the females were talking about an audition that he was going to.

I came in on the conversation and I decided to offer him advice..real advice.

His problem was this....he was going to audition in Chicago for some Dancing Reality Show. He really wanted to go and do this, and was confident that he would get on the show. It's his dream. But, he doesn't want to lose his job.


I tell him, "Dude. it's your dream. You don't go out and follow it, you will regret it."


Now, I'm telling him the basic cliches of following your dreams, and like the gullible bastard he is, he is eating them up.


Finally, I convince him to go to Chicago.

He thanks me up and down and says that I'm not such a bad guy after all.

I tell him I can't wait until he is famous. I tell him I want to be able to go to his IMDB profile message board to tell people "Hey, I know that guy!".

He gets all giddy with excitement at the thought of having his own message boards.

Then I say:

"Yeah, I'll tell people on there I know you, and not to vote for you, because you are a jackass!"


It's funny to watch a grown man cry.

Santa Clausizzle

A coworker of mine, whom for purposes of the story I must reveal is black, was talking about dressing up as Santa Clause for his children on Christmas this year.

Not being a part of the conversation, I naturally chimed in.

I said that would not be a good idea.

He asked me why.

I told him that his children have been conditioned to believe that Santa Clause is a jolly old white elf.

He retorted with that he would tell his children that Santa Clause changes colors and ethnicity from household to household.

I scoffed at the very idea, I told him, if it were up to me, I would tell his children there was no Santa or god for that matter. And his idea of a multi-cultural Santa Clause was absurd and he was a fool for even coming up with such an idea.

He got defensive and asked what my deal was.

I asked him, "what about interracial families?"

He said it didn't matter, it was just his kids he was going to tell.

I told him fine, go ahead and show your love to your brats by spewing nonsense lies to them.

He of course stated that I was making too much of a deal out of it.

I then told him that it was imperative to have his kids believe that Santa Clause was a white man that gave out free hand outs to black people because that would prepare them for the real world.







I ducked just in time.

Dante Didn't Get It

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, I work 3rd shift at Arby's to bring in some extra cash.

The Arby's I work at is attached to a "One Stop" convenient store/gas station.


Last Saturday, I went over to the store to get some Lotto Tickets. That's when I first saw the new guy getting trained to work thirds there.


And I swear to the gawds, he looks exactly like Dante Hicks from the Clerks movies.


I went back over to Arby's and the boss and I had a good laugh about the similarities.


The other night, I went in for my Thursday shift. "Dante" was working over at the gas station, which was odd, cause Nancy usually worked thirds on Thursdays.


I decided to have a little fun.



I went over to him and told him to say "I'm not even supposed to be here today."


He said, "How did you know I got called in."


I said, " Since Nancy wasn't here, I just kinda figured, anyway say it."

He says, "Ok. I'm not supposed to be here today."


But he didn't say it in that whiny pitch...but you take what you can get I guess.


Later on, I walk back to the drinks and yell out to him, "Hey man, let me get a Gatorade!"

He says, "You have to pay for it."

I say, "No. You have to say 'If I give you a Gatorade, then I have to give everybody a Gatorade."


He says, "But you are the only one in here."

I say. "Never mind."



Later, I go up to the counter and ask him if he has a girlfriend.

He says yes.



I ask him, "Did she suck 37 dicks?"


He then takes a swing at me.


Thanks to my cat-like reflexes, I ninja dodge out of the way.

He yells, "Don't be talking shit about my girlfriend!"


I say, "Don't you get it dude? This is all from Clerks. You've seen it."

He says, "No, I haven't."

I say, "You mean to tell me, that you work in a convenient store, you look like Dante Hicks, and you've never seen Clerks."

He says, "That's right".

I say, "That's pathetic dude. Give me your girl's address. I go over there and give her number 38."

He then attempts to jump over the counter. However, he gets his foot caught on the ledge and falls face first to the floor.

I laughed and went back to work.



Last night, when I went in, I found out the owner of the convenient store saw the tape of him trying to punch me and him trying to bad ass bounce over the counter. He got canned.


And he wasn't even supposed to be there that day.

I Got A Girl Beat Up

Or at least that's what she is saying. It's all her own fault, and by end of this, if you don't agree with that, you need to be hit too.

It all started three days ago.

This annoying skank at, who does more talking on the phone then she does actual work, decided to lecture me about being sensitive to other people's feelings after I upset another co-worker after telling him a little joke about cancer, not knowing his mother had breast cancer.

Anyway, I did by best to nail it into her brainless skull that I did not care about him, his mother, or more importantly, her.

So, later that night I got a small opportunity for revenge.

The boss answered the phone and screamed the tramp that her it was her boyfriend. She got on the portable phone.

Now knowing, mostly from her babbling about it, that her boyfriend is the real jealous type, I decided to yell a little something to the dumb broad while she was talking to him.

I got behind her and yelled, "Hey, Tricia, Sammy wanted me to tell you that he will be home when you get off work tonight, so just walk right on in and strip down."

She gave me a horrified look and then cried into the phone, "No no! That's just my stupid co-worker. No! He was joking! No, there is no Sammy. No baby, I love you!"

She then hung up the phone and (thankfully) was quiet the rest of night.

Fast forward to the present.

She comes to work with a black eye.

She won't tell anybody how she got it, but she comes up to me, points to her eye and says, "I I got this because of you."

So, her boyfriend hit her because I was joking around. It's her own fault for being with somebody like that.





But that's not the end of it.




Later that night, I answered the phone. It was her boyfriend. He asked if he could talk to her. I told him she hadn't come into work that night.

He sounded really pissed when he said, "If you see her, have her call me."


I hung up the phone and I went over to her, balled up my fist, and said,

"Brace yourself, your boyfriend wanted me to give you a message."

In Which An Old Co-Worker Updates Me On Her Life

I went to work yesterday. And there was a new girl working..

She kept glancing at me. Not in the usual, "good god he is sexy and I want his body poured all over me" way, but in the quizzical intrigued kind of way.

Like I do most of my coworkers, I ignored her and went on with my job.

A little later, she came up to me and said" Now I remember where I know you from!"

I said, "I swear, I was going to call you back, but my Uncle was killed by ninja pirates."

She laughed, one of those annoying grating laughs, and said, "No silly, we worked at Taco Bell together."


Now I worked at Taco Bell for eight years. I've seen so many people come and go through there that there is enough of them to keep Paris Hilton busy for a month.


So, this girl I do not remember at all.

So I tell her, "Yeah, that's right. Say, how have you been?"

She says, "Well, the last time you saw me, I had two kids. Now I have four."

I say, "What a coincidence, that rhymes with whore!"

Now of course, she gets upset. And she runs off to the boss.

The boss comes over to yell at me and I defend myself by mentioning that this girl is only twenty and has already pushed a Barbershop Quartet out of her all-access hole.

She screams, "I love my boyfriend!"

I say, " I love macaroni and cheese, but I don't eat it every day!"*


I love my job.








* Thanks Groucho.

Working With A Pregnant Chick

This happened a couple of years ago.

This chick starts working at Taco Bell. She's a hottie and she's also 2 months pregnant.

Anyway, we hit it off, and she indicates to me she would like to have a sexual encounter with me.

I tell her I won't stick my meat into the oven when there's already a turkey cooking in there.

She said that a lot of women are still sexually active during the first few months of a pregnancy.

I told her I was afraid that when I stuck it in there, the kid might latch on or something.

She said it wasn't anywhere near that developed.

I told her sorry, but I'm still not interested in having intercourse with a preggo.


Well, the next day she had called in, claiming she had a doctors appointment.

A couple days after that, she came back to work, and sure enough, she did have a doctors appointment.

With an abortionist.



A month later, she had to get another abortion.

The Church Crowd

Sometimes being a manager of a fast food place has it's perks. Like this one time at Taco Bell:




As I went into work one night, I passed a couple of churches.

"Crap, it's Sunday", I thought.

Well, if you work at a fast food place and you live in a religious community, you know that there is one group of people that are the 2nd worse to serve.

The first being rowdy high schoolers. The second being the Church Crowd.

As I walked into work, I thought to myself, "No, not tonight. Tonight, I make my stand."

I went to the back and grabbed the box of letter we put out on our sign up front. I went outside int the freezing weather and put up a new sign.

It said: "Jesus didn't die so you could eat tacos".

Sure enough, church was over and in pulled a dozen or so cars.

I watched them park outside. One guy got out. looked at the sign, called out to somebody, and pointed at it.

They came inside and went up to the cashier.

"I would like to talk to your manager", the guy who pointed said.

I stepped up to the counter, identified myself as manger and asked him what the problem was.

He asked what was up with the sign out front.

I told him, "Well sir. It's almost Christmas. We here at Taco Bell would like to remind our customers what the holiday is all about. It's all about Jesus dying to absolve us from eating tacos."

He was flabbergasted. He told me, "Jesus died for our sins."

I looked at him with the most serious face I could put on and said, "Eating tacos is a sin, sir."

That caused quite an uproar. The Church Crowd started to shout.

I yelled at them to be quite. I went and grabbed a taco.

I held it up and said, " Do you see it's shape? This taco resembles a certain part of the female body. And what of the burritos? To even the most decent of minds, the burrito recalls the male sexual organ! When you eat this food, it is symbolic of fornication. Of Lust! Of Sin!"

They all looked around at each other.

One shouted out, "Let's go to Burger King!"

They left. Victory was mine.

Never Give Rides To Co-Workers 3

It seems that some people just don't know any good manners when they are being given a ride in another peron's car.

I had to teach such manners to a co-worker one time.



She was a big woman, the kind of woman that redneck toothless losers seem to love, and she had a crush on me.

Now, the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt another human being's feelings....so I have never given her any sign that I would be interested into plowing into her mountainous flesh.


One night, she thought she might actually have had me cornered. We both were getting off of work at the same time and she offered me this proposal:

She would give me 10 dollars if I could drive her up to Wal-Mart, but first I had to drive her home so she could change clothes.

She also told me she would be meeting a friend up there, so I wouldn't have to take her back home.



Now, of course, I knew this was just a ploy to spend time with me. If she were meeting her friend up at Wal-Mart, why couldn't her friend just pick her up at work?

Now, I would have never decided to do this, if the money offer wasn't involved.

Several minutes of listening to this braod trying to impress me would be worth 10 bucks...so I accepted.


When we both got off of work, we got into my jeep.

In an effort to quell any attempt by her to start a conversation, I immediately turned on the stereo.


Of course, she was a rude cow and talked over the stereo. But this wasn't the rudest part.


No big deal, I drowned her out.

Now, we get to her house, she gives me the ten and says she'll be back out in a few minutes.


And, just like a typical woman, it takes her forever to change clothes.

Actually, I don't know how long it took, because after ten minutes of waiting, I took off without her.

And went to Wal-Mart to buy a DVD, hoping for another chance encounter with an attractive woman.



Funny thing, my coworkers friend, whom happened to know me, saw me and asked where she was.

Apparently this plan to have me be her chauffeur was planned out in advanced.

And the second after I get done telling the friend what I did, the friend recieves "You have a call at the front desk" announcement over the intercom.

Secret Santa

When I worked at Taco Bell, we always did the Secret Santa Gift Exchange for Christmas.

We all put out names into this hat and after all the names are in, we draw a name out of the hat and get them a gift. $5 minimum.

One year I pulled out some ignorant scum-lickers name.

Now, I hated this guy. So I decided not to waste my time going out somewhere to get this kid a gift.

So I get him a $5 Gift Certificate....from Taco Bell.

I went into our walk-in fridge and emptied out a box of tomatoes.

Now, a box of tomatoes is about 6 inches high and 15 inches long.

I put the gift certificate into the box and wrapped it up.


The day came for us to open our presents.

The kids found his present and looked like he won the lottery.

He picked it up, looked around at all of us and says this:

"Thank you guys. My father died last year and my mother works two jobs. This is my first job. Mom couldn't get me or my brothers and sister anything this year because of bills. But this gift makes me glad that I'm working at such a great place."

He opened it up.

Now, the evolution of his face, from bright-eyed anticipation to sheer utter horror, was classic.

Never Give Rides To Co-Workers 2

Here's another tale of trouble with the people I worked with. This took place a few years ago



6 to Close.

That was what I was scheduled to work that particular Wednesday.

So, having been up all night Tuesday and into Wednesday morning, I was planning on getting a good 5 hours sleep between 10 and 5.

I laid down on my air mattress and got myself comfortable.


Then my phone rang.

And like an idiot, I answered it.

"Hello", I said.

"Hey. This is Andrea. (my boss). Penny (her boss) said that you and the other two shift managers need to go down to Noblesville today at 1."

"Why?"

"Because there is going to be a meeting with the new company with all of the shift managers."


I groaned. One o'clock. Ok, I was thinking, I can get to Noblesville in an hour. I can get at least a couple hours of sleep.

Then she said,

"But I need you all up here for a manager meeting at 11 to go over the new computer system we got.


I love starting days out like this.


So I get up there. We have our little meeting. It takes me 5 seconds to get use to the new programs and what-not. Not the other imbeciles who claim the prestigious title of Manager.

But oh well. Meeting over at 11:45.

I had asked Andrea if I could leave our little meeting early since I knew everything, but she wanted me to stick around, just in case.

So, I get into my new Jeep Cherokee with the intention of grabbing some Rally's on my way down to Noblesville, when I am approached by the other two Shift Managers.

They ask me if I could drive them down there in my Jeep.

They'd pay me for the gas of course.

And, like an idiot, I accepted.

Ok, ready? Off we go.

12 Noon. We had left my town and we were on our way to Noblesville.

But, alas! One of the festering little butt spores had forgotten their cell phone back in their car.

She asked me to turn around so I could get it.

And, like an idiot, I do so.

12:20 Pm. We are now leaving my town and are well on our way to Noblesville.

No Rally's on the way there. Fine, I'll just pick some up on the way back.

Doing 80. Have to make up for lost time.

The two moronic half-human twits are engaged in a conversation about gawd knows what.

I turn up my music. MY stereo which is playing MY mp3 player in MY Jeep.

The ignorant scum-sucking toad sitting in the passenger side reaches his grubby little hand over and turns down my music.



Now, I'm a laid back kind of person. I can take the heat and I don't let myself be bothered by trivial things.

But there is one thing you do not to around me. And that is turn down MY music in MY vehicle.


I sped up to 90.


Going 90, I slammed on my brakes.

Knowing what was coming, I had braced myself. They did not.

The faggot in the passenger seat went flying forward, head cracking on the dashboard.
The backseat bitch went face first into the back of my head cushion.

To the left of me...a twerp with a serious headache.
Behind me....a bitch with a bloody nose.


I simple stared straight forward and said,

"Don't you ever touch my fucking radio again."

We got to the meeting with five minutes to spare.

Never Give Rides To Co-Workers 1

I recall one night I had to close at Taco Bell.

One of the other closing employees needed a ride home.

I, being the generous guy that I am, offered to give him a lift.

After he got into my car, he put on his seatbelt.

I had never been more insulted in my entire life.

I asked him, "What? You don't trust my driving?"

He says, "It's not you man, it's the law."

I say, "This is not about the law. This is about respect."

He tried to act as though he had no idea what I was talking about.

I asked him, "Do you that just because there is a little snow on the ground, I'm going to wreck car and kill us in a giant fireball?"

He tells me, "Nah, man. It's nothing like that. I always put my seatbelt on when I get into someone's car."

I gave him an ultimatum: Either take off the seat belt or walk home.

He tells me he'd rather walk than ride in a car with a dictator and he gets out.


I took off and dropped my deposite off at the bank and headed home.

He had walked a good two blocks when I drove by him.

Well actually I slammed on the horn and swerved toward him, causing him to jump into a big pile of snow.

The Crunchwrap

I used to work in a hellhole once called Taco Bell

I recall a crew meeting we had there one time.

It was to discuss the onslaught we have had of Cruchwrap orders.

You see, there is a timer for the Drive-Thru. When the car sitting at the pick-up window has been there for over a minute and fifteen seconds, the timer starts beeping until the car leaves.

With the Crunchwrap, the Drive-thru times had not been very good.

They take longer to make than most items and they became the most popular item.

Our goal during this crew meeting was to determine the best way to deal with the times by making the Crunchwraps faster or more efficient.


One of the more popular ideas brought forward was to keep ahead on the Crunchwraps during a rush by always having two extra chrunchwraps available.

That is make two crucnchwraps before the rush starts and when somebody orders one, give them the pre-made one and make another one...keeping ahead.

My idea wasn't so popular.

I thought the best idea would be to deter people from ordering the Chrunchwrap.

I suggested that we get a bunch of puppies and everytime somebody orders a Chruchwrap, we snap a puppies neck right in front of them.


Nobody really talked to me for the rest of the day.

Waiting For Spicy Chicken

I went into to work at four.

As I was to my counts, I took notice to the fact that we only had one bag of spicy chicken left in the entire store.

I asked the opening manager about this.

She said it was ok, another manager had gone to cover a shift at the Monticello Taco Bell, a town about 20 miles away.

I was informed that when she got off work over there at five, she would bring some spicy chicken with her, because the Monticello store had plenty to spare.

I said fine.



Six o'clock came. Still no spicy chicken. I called over to Monticello and asked if the manager had left yet.

They said yes, she left at four.

Well, I wasn't lucky enough to have this particular manager die in horrible mess of fire and twisted metal, burning her disgusting flesh to the seat as she cried out for help, so I knew she was taking her sweet ass time to deliver the spicy chicken.

So I waited.

Finally, at 8 o'clock, she arrives with the spicy chicken.

I ask her, "Where in the hell have you been?"

She says, "I had to go to a funeral."

I say, "I think our being out of spicy chicken was far more important than a stupid funeral. It's not like they were going to know you weren't there any way."

She then starts crying, throws the spicy chicken at me, and yells, "It was a funeral for a baby!"

Then she runs out the door.



Forty minutes later, I ate a spicy chicken soft taco.

And it was good.

The Black Guy At Work

Now, I am in no way shape or form a racist. I hate everyone equally.



What you are about to read involves a black man I work with. I would never go out of my way to mention that he is black, except for the fact that, that particular detail is significant to what I am about to tell you.



This black guy is the only black guy at our workplace. A fact that he reminds us of daily. Whenever he is asked to do a particular dirty job, he would ask the boss, "It's because I'm black ain't it?"



Well, one day, I went up to him and asked, "Can I whip you, for old time's sake?"



Well, he gets pissed off and complains to the boss.







Fucking negro.