Here Wii Go

20 Units to sell at Wal-Mart.

30 people already in line.

A dilemma.

The time was 10:30 PM. I didn't have much time to work.

I quickly made a call to the only person I knew who could help me.

Thankfully, he was home.

I asked him if his family still had that wheelchair his sister was in after she was in that skiing accident.

He said yes.

Game on.

A five minute drive to his house, and I got to work.


I made out a deal with him. He would be able to play with my Wii every time he came over to his house if I could shave his head and have him do a little performance.


He agreed.


10 minutes later, he was bald.

Then some powder applied to his face, some loose fitting clothes, and a blanket a few minutes later, he was ready to sit in the wheelchair.

He looked perfect.

The wheelchair was set up in my jeep and we went to Wal-Mart.


As I rolled him into the Electronic Center, we could feel the eyes of the customers on us.

We looked at the long line of people and I said,

"Sorry Johnny. Looks like we got here late. It's ok, we'll get you a Wii next year....if you make it that long."

"Johnny" looked up at me and said in his weakest voice,

"That's ok. That's what I get for getting my hopes up."

I looked at the line and spotted exactly what I needed to see.

A few people with a tear in their eyes.

We turned around and then somebody spoke up.

"Excuse me, you guys can have my spot. I'll just get one later. You need it more than I do."

The gentleman was fifth in line.

I said,

"No sir, we can't do that. You have probably been waiting here all day."

He said,

"No, I insist. It couldn't sleep at night."

Johnny said,

"God bless you sir. God bless you."


We got in line and I got my Wii.

As soon as I purchased it, Johnny got up, folded the chair, we screamed, "So long suckers!" and hauled ass out of there.

Lucky for me, we also took his sister's old handicap parking pass and I was parked in the crip space.

We managed to pull away as a small mob of people came out of the doors.

Suing My Friend's Father

I was visiting my friend at his house and he invited me to have supper there. His dad was bringing home some pizza.

As we sat around, eating pizza, we were talking about the rich and how we were never going to be it.

The father mentioned all of these Internet sites that fail, and I told him the only good investment would be a porn site.

He laughed and said he wouldn't know where to start.

I said, since his daughter is a lesbian, he should put a hidden web cam in her room and create a website that let's people view her and her lesbian encounters.

Well, this ticked him off and he threw me out of the house.

A couple of days ago, I was browsing the web for some good sites, and I came across a hidden web-cam site.

Sure enough, the girl featured on there was my best friend's sister.

They were charging ten bucks for a monthly subscription.

Now, I should be entitled to at least a third of the profits.

Or at least a free subscription.

My Friend Called Me One Day

I sitting at home, leaning back on the couch and watching some tv, when the phone rings.

I pick it up, it's my friend Bobby.

Bobby: Hey man. I just want you to know that I'm about to kill myself.

Me: Why?

Bobby: Because she left me man. Two days ago, my woman left me for some guy!

Me: Ah. How are you going to kill yourself?

Bobby: I've got my dad's gun. I'm going to blow my brains out.

Me: You should shoot yourself in the heart. It'd be more poetic.

Bobby: You are supposed to be talking me out of this!

Me: I didn't know this was the suicide hot-line.

Bobby: I need you to help me man! I think I'm really going to do this.

Me: Alright. Just do your best not to do anything until I come over.

Bobby: You are the best, man!

Me: Just let me find my video camera and I'll be on my way.

Bobby: Fuck you! You really are a jerk. Will you be at the bowling alley tomorrow?

Me: You know it.

Bobby: See ya then.

I hung up the phone.

At that point, my new girlfriend finished what she was doing and looked up at me.

Her: Who was that?

Me: Just your ex.

Comforting Confrontation

Now, when it comes to friendships, I mostly freelance. Which means, that I can get along with everyone and people consider me a friend, but we aren't real friends. I would betray them on a dime and not think a thing about it. Or, if we should see less and less of each other to the point of not at all, I wouldn't be sad.


Now, one of my more attractive female friends called me up the other day, wanting to know if I could come over to her house because she needed someone to talk to.

There was nothing good on TV, so I decided to go to her house.


Now, I can be a good listener. Which means I can listen to the talker and pay enough attention to them to nod in the right places or to give the occasional, "that's no good" or "I hear that" or "I know what you mean".


Now, this female friend, wanted to talk to be about something very personal.

She started talking, while I was busy trying to picture naked. She was talking about some party she went to, where she drank quite a bit of alcohol.


She told me she drank a little more than usual and had went to the upstairs of the house where the party was to rest a bit.

She told me, that as she laid up there, one of the male party goers came into the room.

She said the man started to fondle her and undress her. She was too weak to put up a fight. Despite her faint protests, he fondled her while taking care of herself.


Now, I didn't feel the least bit sorry for her. I'm not saying it was her fault or anything, but she wasn't entirely innocent here. Didn't feel sorry for her in the least. As it turned out, I was feeling something else entirely.


She leaned in close to me and hugged me, I hugged back. She lowered her head as she cried and then screamed out, "You sick bastard!", pushed me away and told me to get out.


I was wondering what was wrong, thinking it was that time of the month, then I realized I had a huge erection.



Lesson here: If a woman is telling you about how she was raped, don't try to picture her naked.

Graduation Party

One of the employees at work invited me to a party he was having to celebrate his high school graduation.


I told him, "Cool, I'll be there."

He gave me directions to his house.

Now, when he invited me, he made sure to put the emphasis on "party".

So I had planned as such, not knowing his "party" was actually an open house event with most of his family there.

Upon arriving at his house, I immediately became aware of the situation at hand.

There was going to be some trouble.

My coworker saw me enter the house and introduced me around, as I was being introduced, trouble had been invited in through the front door.

The trouble was this: A stripper I had hired through a secondary party.

Now, there was some pretty good music already playing on the stereo and the stripped noted it.

She announced to the crowed living room, "I love it when the party is already up and going!"

She was an amateur stripper, probably because I paid the least amount for one, and after her little announcement, she proceeded to remover her top.

My friends father and mother showed up into the room, seeing what all the ruckus was about.

The mother shouted, "Oh my god!" The father seemed embarrassed.

And for good reason.

When the stripper saw him, instant recognition covered her face and she yelled out joyfully, "Hi Frank!"







His parent's divorce will be final next week.