I Had To Break Up With My Girlfriend.

I had been with this chick for a month. I really liked her. Hell, I may have even loved her. But, things can happen that make you change your mind about a person. Such is the case here.

There had been a couple of incidents here in town. Unfortunately, a man dressed as a clown had sexually assaulted a couple of women.

2 weeks ago, he attacked my girlfriend.

Now, understandably, she was an emotional wreck. But, I was there for her the best I could be. I mean, I really did everything I could. One night, I just held her in my arms as she cried. It was very sad.

But, incredibly, last week, they found him and arrested him. He confessed and will be in jail for 20 years. Thank god, you know, scum like that needs to be behind bars. And my girlfriend relaxed a bit, but there was still some emotional trauma. We never engaged in sexual activity after she was attacked..and I didn't persuade her. She would be ready in her own time.

Which was fine for me. I had my right hand. And if I got too needy, there are a few girls I know that would give it up to you if you said hi to them, you know?

Anyway...none of that was a problem, however, when details about the attacks came out after he was caught, that's when the trouble came.


My girlfriend never talked about what happened. I didn't want to hear it wither. But, there was something I found out that made me start to question our relationship.


You see, when the first two girls were attacked, the guy's clown make-up was painted on to make it look like a Smiley Face Clown. When he got my girlfriend though, he had a frown painted on his face.


Now, I knew of these two other girls. There weren't anything you talked with your friends about, you know? But my girlfriend, she was a real cutey.

Now I found out this guy had the Crying Clown makeup on when he was clowning around with my girlfriend..what does that say about my girlfriend? That she is so disgusting that this creep is sad that he has to lower himself to attacking her?

So, I had to reevaluate our relationship and decided that she may not have been all that I thought she was.

Se7en

My sister and her husband decided they were going to Vegas on a 3 day weekend. They left their kid with me. Which I didn't mind, cause I was getting paid.

Anyway, my nephew is just like his mother. Obese.

Now, I don't have a problem with that. As long as it doesn't affect me, I don't care what kind of lifestyle you have.

My nephew was a pretty obedient kid, I told him he could have whatever he wanted out of my fridge, as long as he asked me if it was ok first.


Saturday night, about 3 am, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I decided to watch the Zodiac Documentary on the new Zodiac DVD.

After I started watching it, I got hungry. I decided I wanted to snack on some of the microwave burritos I bought.

I looked in my freezer and they weren't there.

I snuck into my guest bedroom where my nephew was sleeping, and sure enough, all six burrito wrappers were stuffed in the trash can.

I was livid. I thought about waking him and beating the crap out of him right there, but I thought back on the Zodiac movie and director David Finch.

I had a better idea.

Sunday.

I asked my nephew if he wanted to watch a movie. He said yes.

I popped in Se7en.

I told him, "By the way Josh, this is based on a true story."

He asked me what it was about. I told him it was about a guy who kills people based on the seven deadly sins.

When the movie got to the Gluttony killing, I turned to my nephew and said, "Look Josh. The man kills fat people because eating too much is a sin. Now, if you want to end up like that whale there with his face down in his soup, go ahead and steal more food from me."


He watched the rest of the movie with a look of true terror on his face.

I was pleased.

Eric Clapton

Yeah. Me and some buddy's were taking a vacation in New York.
When we got to the hotel, we found out that Eric Clapton was staying there.

The first couple of days, we caught on to Clapton's schedule. He would leave at a certain time and come back at about 4 pm.

The third day, we were in the lobby waiting for him.
As he got out of his limo, me and my buddy walked out the front doors.
As he approached us, we went up to him and introduced ourselves.

We told him we were fans and asked to get a picture with him. I must say, he was a really nice guy. He said yeah, we could take a picture with him. Great guy.

Then it happened.

Our other friend was up in our room, on the 20th floor, waiting for the right time.
Clapton and I stood up against the building and posed for the camera.

That's when our friend threw out a life-size doll of a young child.
Oh..the look on Clapton's face when the doll hit the ground was priceless, unfortuneately, my idiot friend with the camera didn't know how to work it..it was all blurry.


Oh well...maybe next time