Never Give Rides To Co-Workers 4

I was happy today.

I got up, after a 4 hour sleep, but it felt like it was 8. It was raining outside...and as the Garbage song goes, "I'm only happy when it rains."

I had to work the lunch shift at Arby's today. And things were running smooth for a change. Nothing stressful happened..just smooth running.

10 minutes before my shift was over, the drive-thru girl came over to ask me a question.

Can I give her a lift home?


Now...in the past, I've given rides to co-workers just to be nice and those have always ended up bad for somebody, so now I've made it a rule not to give any rides to co-workers unless they are hot and there was a chance of some sort of sexual payment.

I broke the rules today.

She was not attractive and gawd knows there would be no sexual payment for this ride home, let alone any monetary payment, unless I wanted food stamps.


But, I was in a good mood, so I thought, "Eh, what could it hurt".


And of course, I would find out exactly what it would hurt.

After our shift was over, we get in my Cherokee take off, and then she drops the bomb on me:

We have to pick up her kids.



The happiness that I was feeling melted away like the skin of the Nazi's at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark.


I don;t say anything though, I just nod. The dark cloud that was brewing within my had prevented me from saying anything, but that little voice, the one I usually ignore was saying: "It'll be ok."

Boy was he wrong.


We go to her babysitters.

She goes in to get them and I stay out in the jeep comptemplating on whether or not to take off and leave her there.

I shake my head and mentally kick myself for staying.

She comes out with her two brats and they are already throwing a fit.

She gets them in and gets in herself say, "I'm sorry they were watching their favorite show and didn't want to leave."

I just nodded.

She tells me where she lives and I head over there.

And a few moments later...it happened.

And when it did, I let out a yell so loud and powerful, the people in the car in front of us turned around to look.



One of her little insects puked on my seat.


She began to apologize, but it was too late for her.

She said she would clean it up but I just looked over at her and said, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it."


And that's when I moved my fingers over the little control console on my door and lowered the passenger side and backseat windows.


Immediately her and her brats began to be soaked and she screamed, "What in the hell are you doing!"


I said I was cleaning up the mess.

She screamed at me to roll up her windows but I did not.

We get to her house she jumps out the door, gets her kids out, and screams at me, "If they get pneumonia, I'm going to sue your ass!".



I hope her lawyer takes food stamps.

Mistaken Identity

This happened several years ago...



I'm lying in bed, trying to get to sleep.

Then something beyond belief happened.



A very drunk woman came stumbling into my room. I began to speak out to the woman, but my curiosity to see what the woman would do silenced me.

She then climbed onto my bed. I leaned up, watching this woman inch her way toward midsection.

She pulled off my covers and began to unzip my fly.


I let this happen.


She then pulled out my Raging Red Rocket and looked up at me and said, "You ready for this Dan?"

My name is Richard.


She then starts the sucking.


Well, I let this go on for a minute or two...who really knows, but I started feeling a bit bad for letting this drunken broad think she's syphoning sperm on someone she knows.


So I spoke up and said...




"Mom, your room is across the hall."

Doing Something Nice For a Change

I took a look at my life, some of the things I've done and decided that maybe I needed to get some professional help.

So I went to see a shrink and told him that I might have a severe anti-social disorder.

We talksed about it and he thought that I might get joy out of offending people.

He suggested that I do something really nice for a complete stranger. He thought that I might find that get even more joy out of making people happy.

I decided to take him up on that, after all..he is the expert.

I had a hard time getting started so I ask him for some suggestions,

He told me that I should find somebody I could relate with on an emotional level. He told me I should find somebody who didn't know their biological parents....I do not know mine.

I thought that was a good idea so I went to city funded foster home or whatever the hell it is.


The place was strangly comfprting to me as I had lived there for the first three months of my life.

I told the lady in charge that day my reasons for being there.


She brought me to Sarah.


Sarah was this 10 year old, cute as a button, orphan.

Her parents died in a car crash when she was 10 months old and she had no immediate family to go to.


She was reading a Harry Potter novel, and being a fan of the books myself, that was the thing to break the ice.


I bonded with her well...she was like the little sister I never had. We talked about Harry Potter, Star Wars, and music.


I told my shrink about befriending a total stranger.

I told him I liked the feeling of being nice to this girl but it just didn't seem enough.

He suggested I do something extraordianry for her.


The next day, I asked her what would make her the happiest girl in the world.


She said she wanted a picture of her parents.


I thought it was strange that she didn't have any picture, so I asked the lady in charge at the FH about it.


She said Sarah's parents were the odd type and didn't have any photo albums...not even any of Sarah after her birth.



I vowed to Sarah I would find a photo of them.



It took a few days of searching...but I finally found one.


I brought it to Sarah, telling her I found a photo of them and I handed it to her...she looked at it and the tears filled her eyes.


She didn't say thanks...she didn't have to. The look on her face was thanks enough.



It felt real good doing this and I no longer need to see a shrink.



Oh, if you're curious..the picture of her parents is here.

Death at Work

Some people have the problem of never thinking before they speak. Now, those who know me, would say I have the same problem.

I disagree. You see, I have no problem with saying what's on my mind. And If someone should be hurt by my words, well then, that's life.

I'll give you an example, this happened at work the other day.


Last week, this girl I work with lost her mother in car accident.


Then, the other day at work, I saw my coworker Daniel, putting on his jacket and getting his stuff. Which was odd, because he had just got to work an hour before.


I yelled at him, "Where the fuck do you think you're going, Danny-boy?"


He gave me a dirty look.


For some mad reason, I decided to ask him, "Well then, who made who?"

He then started to cry and left.



I didn't know what was going on, so I asked the boss.

He said Daniel's father just died.



Knowing that information, my mind went over the encounter I had just had with Daniel. I gave out a hearty laugh.


I then said, "Damn, people's parents are dropping like flies around here".

My boss's mouth dropped open. And then I heard more crying.

I had completely forgot that the girl whose mother had died had come back to work that day.

Not one to be daunted by how other's feel about me, I decided there was no harm in giving the girl something really to cry about.

I said, "Well, we wouldn't be having this epidemic if some people's parents weren't steering the wheel while steering a bottle of Jim Bean to their mouths."

The girl took off towards the bathroom. Not even the walls could quiet the cries we heard.

By this time, the whole place is staring at me.

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Eh. My parents are still alive."

The Smiley Face Button

The Smiley Face. That simple yellow round face with big black round eyes and a long black smile. An image that has been recognizable around the world for a long time. It's most commonly seen on t-shirts, stickers, and buttons.


I have a smiley face button. But mine is a little bit different from the normal ones. Mine has a bullet hole in the "forehead" with blood dripping out of it.


It's a button that I proudly display for all to see on my trenchcoat.

When people see this button on my person, they interpret many different ways. Many think I'm a violent person. Some think I hate happy people. Most think I'm just a sociopath. The paranoid people at Wal-Mart seem to think I wear the button in protest to Wal-Mart, despite the fact that I am shopping there when they see it.


Now, last night, I was at Wal-Mart again.


I got what I went in there for, and went to the check-out line.

Being 10:30 at night, there was only one line open.

3 people in front of me.

The first person has something that doesn't have a price tag on it or a UPC code anywhere, so we are waiting for the price check.


I turn to read the covers of the celeb gossip mags, when a 40 year oldish woman comes to the line behind me.


Now, the first time a person lays eyes on me, they are instantly drawn to my handsome, chiseled face. Then they look over the rest of my god like body.

But, since I am wearing nothing but black, the eyes usually go to one thing that stands out...my yellow smiley button.


Now, this woman, she is staring. She is burning a hole right through, that stare is so intense.

Finally I ask, "See anything you like?"

She points to the button and says, "How can you wear something like that?"

I say, "Well, you see, it has a pin attached to the back of that. I use that to hold it to my jacket, to keep it from falling off."


She completely ignores my genius quip, and says, "You shouldn't be wearing something like that with that recent tragedy."


Now, I could immediately tell this woman was lacking when it came to intelligence. She had that generic Wal-Mart brand soda in her shopping cart and a gallon of Edy's ice cream. Knowing what I was dealing with, I could pretty much guess what tragedy she was talking about.

I reminded her, "Well, Mam. Anna Nicole wasn't shot. She died from stuffing her fat face with to many scrips. I only wished fans of her, like yourself, and taken the same road the Nirvana fans took when Cobain offed himself and followed suit."

She scoffed and said, "I am not talking about that woman. I am talking about Virginia Tech."


I rolled my eyes.

I said, "Listen lady, I've had this button for a year now. I'm not going to take it off just because some Korean kid got dumped by his imaginary girlfriend and decided to vent a little by Columbining his way up and down the campus."


Now, at this point, she starts hyperventilating. Funniest damn thing you ever seen. I grab one of the counter mags and start fanning her. (Ironically enough, it was one with a VT Massacre cover story.)

She sits down right there in the aisle, and everyone else in line is gawking at us.

I tell the cashier she'd better call for help. The two guys in front of me have rushed to her side to help her up to see if she's all right.


The cashier called for help over the intercom. I took one last look at the woman and said, "Nice talking to you. Have a nice day." And went up to the cashier.


I laid down my WKRP In Cincinnati DVD Box Set in front of her and said, "I'm ready to check out now."


She looked at my button and asked, "What, you don't like Wal-Mart?"

I smiled and said, "Quite the contrary, I love it!"

The Soldier's Wife

Yet more proof that some women can get too emotional when it comes to certain situations.


A few days ago, my cousin got news that her husband lost his life while fighting in Iraq.

Today was the memorial service.

Now, my parents made me go, because she was family and needed our support.

I would have rather stayed home and slept, but oh well. There was going to be free food.

We got to the service and there was much crying and whatnot.

I did my best to avoid my crappy family, but it was still inevitable.

After a while, we all sat down to listen to family talk about the dude. I hardly knew the guy so I really didn't care.

Then my cousin began to talk.

She went on and on, talking about how much her dead husband loved this country and died defending our freedoms keeping us safe.

That was it, I had enough.

I stood up and said, "He didn't die doing any of that stuff. He died in a crappy, unnescesary war. We are not over there fighting terrorists who would attack America, we are over there fighting for George Bush's personal reasons. You want to see true patriotism, watch this!"


I then took one of the little American flags that was on the memorial wreath and I took my lighter out and burned it.

If I had thought my cousin was being super-emo before, she really it the all time high on the emo scale then.

After I was thrown out, my parents made sure to tell me what a disappointment I was.


I didn't even want to be there.

Another Bad Date

I swear, I need to move. The women in this town just ain't cutting it.


So, I get this girls number and we set up a date. We meet at Applebee's to have dinner.



We have typical date conversation.

Finally, I tell her I'm a bit of a funny man.

She brightens, saying she likes to hear good jokes and she says she wants me to tell one.


Deciding to come up with a joke on the spot, I told her this:



"How did the teenage girl get rid of her dead baby?"

She got a real funny look on her face, I knew she wasn't going to attempt to answer.

So I told her, "She flushed it down the toilet!"

I had a laugh and my brilliant little joke, but she just simply looked at her plate and didn't say a word.


She whispered something. I could just barely hear it, but I knew the date was over.


She excused herself and stiffed me with the entire bill.

Another oversensitive woman. Seriously, this town is full of them.








Oh yeah, what she said.

She said...."I had a miscarriage two years ago."