Son's First Day of School

Ever since my son, Jason, first started walking, he's been attached to his mother's hip. Everytime she had to go to work, he would cryh his head off.

He's now six years old, and his dependence on his mother is still there.

This concerns me a great deal. I have to think this is early signs of homosexuality. Not that I have a problem with the gays, but I don't want any child of mine to have a tough life.

Now, my son is getting ready to go off to school for the first time. We told him everything abut school, that he would be there for a few hours with other kids, learning about fun things like we have already taught him. We told him every kid goes to school. But, Jason kept insisting that his mother had to go with him. We were finally able to get him to realize that he had to go alone. It took a few days, but he accepted it, however, he still wanted "momma" to take him to the bus stop.

My wife is a good woman, but she has almost been encourging this unhealthy obsession my son has. She loves the attention he gives her. She told me it made her feel more important. It made me sick.

I finally had to put my foot down. The night before my son's first day of school, I told my wife that she was not going to step one foot out of the bedroom. I told her I would take care of everything.

The next morning, I got my son up, made his some breakfast, and got his clothes out

The whole time, he kept asking where his momma was at. I avoided the question.

We walked to the bus stop. Of course, for the entire 4 blocks, he kept crying about his mother. At one point, he actually stopped and refused to go any further until his mom came. I ended up dragging him.

We got to the stop, and he just stood there, crying, saying "I want mom".

Five antagonizing minutes later, the bus arrived. Now, he was screaming.

"I want Mommy to put me on the bus!"

I grabbed him by the shoulders, gave him a little shook and said, "Listen here, your mother died in her sleep last night".

Since he fell into a catatonic state, it was easier for me to get him on the bus.

Guys Flirting With My Girlfriend

Guys know there's one thing we don't do..flirt with each other's girlfriends. Especially right in front the guy.

This happened to me the other day. A guy was flirting with my girlfriend, right in front of me.

I've been dating a co-worker, a very beautiful girl named Jessica, since March. We both work at Hardees. She works drive-thru and I the kitchen.

We both had Wednesday off, so we decided to do some shopping together.

We stopped at Big Lots, and got some junk.

We got in line to checkout, then it happens.

The cashier, some jerk face named Anthony, takes a good look at Jessica, and begins to talk to her.

Anthony: Hey, you're the girl from Hardees.

Jessica: Yep, that's me.

Anthony: You are nicest person they have working in the drive-thru. I'm so glad when it's you that takes my order.

Jessica: Aww. Thank you.

Anthony: How long have you been working there?

Jessica: Since February.

Anthony: Nice.Tell them they should have you working every night.

Jessica: (Laughs) I think I'd go insane if they did that.

The d-o-u-c-h-e bag laughs and finishes ringing our stuff up.

I pay, let me say that again, I pay for it.

Anthony gives me a short glance, and looks back at Jessica.

Anthony: Well, I hope you're there the next time, I go through.

Jessica: I probably will be. I work tomorrow night.

Anthony: Cool, I might grab some supper there then. Nice talking to you.

Jessica: See ya.

As we walked to my Jeep, I kept repeating what just had happened in my head.

The more I kept going over it, the more ticked off I became.

Besides the flirting, there was the fact that at no point was I acknowledged. No, "By the way, this is my boyfriend, he works there too."

We get in my jeep, and she looks at me and says, "He was a nice guy, wasn't he?"

Now, she was rubbing it in my face. I knew, right then and there, the relationship was over.

We got back to my place, and I actually made the night romantic. A nice dinner, her favorite movie by candlelight, passionate lovemaking.

And at the end of that, she had the audacity to say she loved me. I lied and said I loved her too, and we cuddled till we fell asleep.

Tonight at work, I got my revenge.


The whole day, my mind just kept going back to what happened at Big Lots. And Anthony's voice was stuck in my head. That girlish sounding voice, that lisp, if he hadn't been flirting with my girlfriend, I would've sworn he was gay.

Now, we got speakers back in the kitchen that allow us to hear customers ordering in the drive-thru.

So, I was listening for him.

Then I heard him. He actually asked if he was talking to Jessica. He squealed out, "Hi Jessica!" when she said it was her.

He ordered a sandwich and I went to work. I ran into the walk-in cooler and stuck my hands down my pants. Now, I hadn't washed down there since I had sex last night. So there had been all sorts of things cooking there.

I removed my hands and went to make his sandwich, making sure I touched everything. Then, I dropped the hamburger patty in the trash, took it out, and out it on his sandwich.

After I wrapped it. I grabbed a note form my pocket. I had wrote the note earlier. It read, "Hey Anthony! You should give me a call some time, here's my number. XOXO Jessica." I included the number at Jessica's apartment.

I put the sandwhich and the note in a bag and told Jessica the order was up. She came over, grabbed it, and handed it out to Anthony. They shared another laugh and he left.

At the end of our shift, I told Jessica we should go back to her place.

We did, and low and behold, there was a message on her machine.

I went and played it.

The message was: "Hey Jessica, it's me Anthony. I got your note! If you want to hang out some time, I'm up for it, give me a call back!"

Since my back was to her, I didn't hide my smile, but I quickly replaced it with a scowl.

I turned around to face her.

Me: So, you're giving your number out to other guys now?

Her: I swear, I didn't give him my number!

Me: That's funny, cause he's got it. And he said he got it from a note you gave him.

Her: I didn't give him any note! I love you, I wouldn't do that.

Now, at this point, I wanted to bust out laughing, but I had to keep the ruse going. Had to make her feel miserable.

Me: No, you were flirting with him yesterday and today. I can't trust you. I'm going to get my stuff and get out of here. This is over. You treacherous whore!

She began to cry. A real river of tears. I grabbed some of my stuff, and before I went out the door, I said "I hope he makes you happy."

I slammed the door, as I left, I could have sworn she said, "But he's gay", but it didn't matter. I got my revenge.

Babysitting the Niece

Earlier this week, a poor young girl of 4 was kidnapped out of her home, tortured, and raped. The poor thing survived, but they still haven't found the guy who did it. A man had spotted her sitting at the corner of Linden Ave underneath a street lamp at 4:00 in the morning.



Hearing about this made me glad I don't have kids. I don't know how I would react if something like that happened to my own child.



I do have my share of experiences with kids. My younger sister had a kid when she was 16. She had a daughter named Kristen. Kristen is now 7 years old and a bit of a handful.



The father ran out as soon as he heard my sis was pregnant, the bastard was 23 years old, so I have helped my sister out a lot when it comes to raising Kristen.



It's my weekend off from work, and my sister had been wanting to spend a weekend away with her new boyfriend. I agreed to watch Kristen.



Now, I had decided I was going to devote this weekend to watching some episodes of Lost, getting ready for the series finale on the 23rd. I told Kristen this was very importnant to me, so I let her play my computer.



I had put the parental locks in place and showed her how to watch her cartoons on the tv. I also showed her some games she could play. There was no reason for her to get bored.



A couple hours in, she comes out to my tv room and says, "Uncle Richie, I'm bored".



I said, "Kristy, there is plenty for you to do on the computer."



She said, " I don't like watching cartoons on the small screen, I want to watch them on the big TV."



I said, "Vut your Uncle Richie is watching Lost on the big TV."



That's when Kristen said something I could only imagine she learned from her whore of a mother.



She said, "Lost is stupid."



I stopped my show, got up and made her get her shoes on.



She asked why.



I said, "We are going for a ride."



We get in my Jeep and I drive to Linden Ave.



I asked her, "Do you know about that little girl that got hurt this week?"



She said, "Yes, my mommy was talking about her. She said a bad man hurt her. She said I had to be careful."



I asked, "Do you know what the bad man did to her?"



She sad, "He hurt her girl parts."



I asked, "Do you know where we are?"



She said no.



I said, "This is where the bad man hurt her."



I said, "That's right. So, Kristy, if you ever interrupt my show again and call it stupid again. I will drive you out here in the middle of the night, and leave the bad man to find you."



She'll never call Lost stupid again.

Old People Shopping.

This morning, I decided to go to Wal-Mart to pick up a classic controller for my Nintendo Wii.



When I pulled into the parking lot, I spotted an empty space next to the handicap spaces. Nice and close to the building.



I made my way towards it, and sure enough, another car managed to take it before I did.



I found a spot all the way in the back and walked up to the store. That's when I saw the car that took my spot.



It had handicap tags. And there were plenty of handicap spaces open.



The driver was this old woman, who was still getting out of the car.



When she finally got out, I spoke to her.



"Excuse me mam, but there are plenty of handicap spots available, why don't you use one of them? I kinda wanted that spot"



She looked at me, the way old people do when they are trying to remember who you are or what they were doing a minute ago, then she answered.



"I thought this was a handicap spot. My mind isn't what it once was. It's close enough"



Like a turtle that had been sedated, she slowly made her way inside.



Needless to say, I was furious. It is my strong belief that old people should not be allowed to drive. And the fact that she completely blew off the fact that she stole my spot was even more frustrating.



I went inside and grabbed a controller. I went to go pay for it, but I spotted the old woman again.



Just seeing her, going about her shopping as though she did no wrong to anybody, got me fuming even more.



She had to pay. I looked at the controller in my hand and back at the old hag. I knew what I had to do.



I walked over to her, grabbed some random item off the shelf, and tapped her on the shoulder.



She turned around and looked at me. No recognition on her face whatsoever.



I held up the item I grabbed and said, "Excuse me mam, you dropped."



As she stared at it, trying to decide of she had dropped it or not, I tossed the controller into her cart. She was completely unaware.



She took the item from me, threw it in her cart, and thanked me.



I was able to hold in my laughter.



I followed her. She took about 45 minutes to shop, then she finally made her way to the cash register.



I got behind, and helped her unload her cart. She thanked me and said it was nice to meet such a nice young man.



I wanted to say, "And it's nice to meet such an old thoughtless hag", but I just grinned and nodded.



She paid for all of her items, and mine, got her bags into her cart and made her way out to the car.



I stood at the entrance and watched her load he bags into car, then I approached her once again.



"Excuse me mam, the cashier accidently put something of mine into one of your bags."



She said, "Oh my" and invited me to look through her bags.



I fished out my controller and said thank you.



Sure, she's never going to know what happened, but I made her pay. And that's all that matters.

My cat had a litter of kittens.

A couple of months ago, my calico, Patches, had a litter of 6 kittens. The most adorable kittens you could ever see.



Unfortunately, I could not take care of them, so I decided to give them away.



I put a sign out in front my house yesterday saying "Free Kittens".



Today, my next door neighbor, Glenn and his 6 year old son Kyle, came knocking on my door.



Glenn told me he wanted a kitten. Howard owes me 20 dollars. You see, I'm not the type who lends money to people, but since he's my neighbor and I know where he lives, I figured it wouldn't hurt.



I said, "I'd love to give you a kitten Glenn, but you still owe me 20 bucks."



Glenn said, "I know, and I'm going to pay you back as soon as I get my next check."



I said, "If you can't afford to pay me back, how are you going to afford taking care of the kitten?"



He said, "Listen, I had to borrow that money because I was in a pinch, but I'm back on track now."



I nodded. What he didn't know, is that I knew exactly what the 20 bucks was for. Kyle has a 16 year old babysitter, whom I happen to work with. She informed me that Glenn came home early one night and decided to have a little fun with her after Kyle went to bed. She demanded an extra 20 bucks that night, or else she'd tell Glenn's wife.



And since Glenn's wife watches their money like a hawk, he came to me to get the 20 bucks.



So, I knew for a fact that his money wasn't tight...the babysitter was. But still, it ticked me off that he still hadn't paid me back.



Now, I was at a bit of a conundrum: Confront him with the fact that I knew the truth and get my 20 bucks, or just let him have the kitten, wait for my 20 bucks, and just use the info to blackmail him later.



I knew his adventures with babysitter were too good to waste on a mere 20 bucks, but I still had to make him suffer for not paying me back promptly.



I looked at Kyle. He was playing with one of the kittens.



I asked him, "You like that one?"



He said yes.



I got down on the floor and picked the kitten up and asked him, "Is this the one you want to take home?"



He nodded and a bright smile came on his face.



I looked up and Glenn, and winked at him, while I grinned like a shark.



I looked back at Kyle and said, "This is what happens when your daddy can't pay people back on time."



I took the kittens head in my hand and gave it a twist.



Now, I want you to know, I didn't like doing that. I love animals. I love cats, but revenge sometimes makes a person do things they don't like to do.



I threw the dead kitten back at Kyle and said, "There you go, he's all yours. Taking care of him won't cost you a thing."

Ran into an Ex-Girlfriend's new boyfriend.

I went to Wal-Mart last night, to pick up the Wolverine movie. No, I'm not proud of it.



Anyways, while I'm looking at the Blu-Rays, this guy walks up to look over them as well. I look at him from the corner of my eye, and something about him seems familiar.



Then it hits me.





You see, earlier last year, I dated this chick named Allison. We went out for a few months, but she dumped me because she didn't believe I was the kind of guy who could always be there emotional for me. She was right, but let me tell you this folks, she was excellent in bed.



And I do mean excellent, she was worth to fake being there for her emotionally.



So, after we split, I kept tabs on her, and by this, I mean I stalked her MySpace page. She keeps it private, but thankfully, I'm still her friend on there. Every time she would mention a new boyfriend, I would get extremely jealous.



But these dates only seemed to last a couple of weeks, so I continued to hang on, until she realized she made the mistake of dumping me.



But...back in March, she met this douchbag named Taylor.



She and Taylor hit it off. As their relationship progressed, I began checking out his profile as well. Know thy enemy.



Back in July, I saw the worst news I could have ever seen.



Taylor got her pregnant. Now, Allison was as good as dead to me.



And it just so happened, that Taylor was standing next to me at Wal-Mart last night in front of the Blu-Ray rack.



Once it dawned on me that this was him, the gears in my head started to turn. I had to get revenge for what he did to me.



I stood there, completely still, then cocked my head to left, as though I were listening to somebody.



He gave me a curious glance. After a few seconds, I began to speak.



Me: T-T-T- Ta..Tay...Taylor?



He took a step backed and looked me over.



Taylor: Do I know you?



Me: No. We've never met.



Taylor: Then why'd you say my name?



Me: So, that is your name! Fantastic!



Taylor: What the hell is this?



Me: Don't be alarmed. I have a certain connection to the spirit world. One of my contacts was whispering your name. Now they are telling me your birth date. November 16th, 1983?



Taylor: Did somebody put you up to this?



Me: Not at all dude, I'm telling you the truth, I swear on my mother's life. Ask me a question and see if they can tell me.



Taylor: Ok, my father died when I was two. What was his name.



I cocked my head again, pretending to be listening, but I was really trying to remember back to his MySpace page. There was a pic of him as a baby sitting in the lap of a 30 something man. The caption read "In loving Memory of James Prescott"



Me: Jimmy?



Taylor: Yeah, that's right.



Me: Hold on, they are telling me something else.



I "listened" again, then a big smile came over my face.



Me: Your girlfriend is having a baby!



An even bigger smile grew on his face.



Taylor: That's right!



I shook his hand.



Me: That's great man. I think it's cool...wait.



I "listened" once again. Although this time, the smile on face disappeared, only to be replaced with a concerned look.



He looked at me, concerned as well.



Taylor: What is it?



Me: Nothing. Congrats again, I'll let you get back to your shopping.



I began to walk away, but he followed.



Taylor: What did you hear man?



My mind went back to her profile and to the time we were together. There was this guy named Dusty that she had been friends with most of her life. It was strictly platonic, but those two were closer than anybody.



Me: Do you really want to know?



Taylor: Yes! What are they saying.



Me: They keep mentioning a Dusty. I keep hearing Allison, Dusty, and baby all at the same time.



I looked at him, doing my greatest not to laugh as the color drained from his face. He stood there for a minute, out the Blu-ray back, and said he had to leave.



This morning, I looked at her profile, there was a new comment, from him.



Taylor: All this time, I knew there was something going on between you and that shithead Dusty. You think the two of you can go behind my back and fuck around. FINE! I hope he can be a good father to HIS baby! Thats right, I know all about it. I had to hear it from a stranger last night. He tried to tell me it was some goddamn ghosts telling him, but I know your fuckin little games. You ad I are through!



Sure enough, he had removed himself from her friends list and now made his profile private.



Sometimes, I really amaze myself.

My Latest Idea.

Superbowl parties have become a traditional pastime in many American households. People love getting together, watching the big game on their HD Big Screen TVs.

I think it's time to bring a new tradition to American Families.

9/11 Parties.

That's right. People getting together, setting up a bunch of snacks and meals, cracking open some cold ones, and sitting down to watch a rebroadcast of the 9/11 attacks.

Only, a little more enhanced this time. For instance, we will reformat all 9/11 footage in beautiful 1080i HD. That means you'll be able to see the terrorists waving from the plane right before it crashes into the tower.

We will also bring John Madden out of retirement to call play-by-play on the footage.

"The terrorists have made a bold move here, they have intercepted the plane and they are going for it! Where is our defense at? The terrorists are going all the way! They are at the 40, the 30, oh, TOUCHDOWN! Oh, that's got to hurt! Let's watch the instant replay! There they are, they look like they just might miss, but they pull off a fantastic maneuver at the last second and nailed that goal!"

"Oh. what's this? Looks like we've got some jumpers here. Now, we are seeing some pretty amateur moves here. Brett Farve would have dived out with a bot more grace.



"Number 93 is on its way to the goal! OH! Interference, Number 93 has been taken down! It's all over for 93!"



Of course, as with the Superbowl, there is much advertising dollars to be made. We could have commercials like this:

We see a Domino's Pizza delivery car racing down the road. He arrives at his destination, the South Tower of the World Trade Center...after it has collapsed. He looks back and forth between the pizza and the rubble, shrugs his shoulders, and starts eating the pizza.

Pizza Hut could come up with this: "On 9/11, terrorists delivered two large planes to New York. We won't be as stingy, get two large pizzas with all the toppings for $19.99"

Dr. Pepper: "It goes down a lot smoother than those towers did."

The only problem with rewatching 9/11 footage is, you already know what's going down.