A Spat With A Feminist

Had an incident at work yesterday.

During the summer, this new chick got hired on at the restaurant I work at. Average looking girl, but a total bitch. Her name is Rebecca.

Almost immediately after starting,  she started giving us instructions on how to act around her. Turns out, she one of these feminazi types. She tells us us how we have to be sensitive around her because she was sexually assaulted one time, how we need to stop using "gender specific pronouns" when talking to or about her. Blah blah blah.

I didn't much care, since I wouldn't be dealing with her too much, since I worked in the kitchen and she was a waitress.

So, yesterday, I was in the break room talking to my coworker about Grand Theft Auto V and the updated editions they'll be releasing next month. We got to talking about our favorite parts, and I mentioned the part where when you switch over to Trevor, you may find him waking up next to Floyd, apparently having raped him during the night.

During the conversation, Rebecca had arrived for her shift and was putting her coat on the rack. So, she heard everything I said. This made her upset.

She said, "You need to warn me when you are talking about something that might upset me. And rape is one of things."

I said, "Well, I wasn't talking to you. So, TFB."

She said, "You need to give me a Trigger Warning when you're talking about that stuff, whether it's to me or not. Just overhearing it is enough to set me off."

She walked out of the break room and started her shift.

What she had said to me really stuck in my craw.  I only had 2 hours left on my shift and I though I should just let it go, but it ticked me off the more I thought about it.


About an half an hour after the confrontation, she comes back into the kitchen to tell me she needed an order remade.

I said, "Yes, mam!"

She gave me an angry look and I smiled, knowing I ticked her off. A few minutes later, she came back.

She said, "I've told you, do not use gender specific terms with me. I am not here as a female, I am here as your coworker."

I responded with this: "When you get home tonight and get on Tumblr, I want you to tell all of your Social Justice Warrior friends that today was a historic day. Because today marks the first time in the history of mankind that a woman was told. 'Get out of the kitchen.'"

She stormed out of the kitchen and went to the manager's office. She was in their for a few minutes.

Right before my shift was over, the manager called me in. He gave me a written warning over my conduct. Now i was the angry one.

I got in my car and went home. But I was not going to let it slide.

Before the restaurant closed, I bought a Halloween mask at a drug store and drove to the parking lot next to the restaurant.

I got out and hid behind the dumpsters that are located near the employee parking area.

I put on the mask and waited.

Like usual,  she was the first one of the night crew to leave.

I waited ti she got to her car and I jumped out and yelled "TRIGGER WARNING!" And then ran at her.

She screamed and jumped into her car and sped off like a bat out of hell.

I didn't stop laughing until an hour after I got home.

Lucky David

The Holocaust Survivor.

Here's a fact: I live in a boring ass town. There is nothing to do here except bowl and rollerskate. It's so dull, that the only time something exciting happens is when a quasi-celebrity happens to drop by.

Like Gallagher's brother. Or Pauly Shore.

Well, last month, we had a new visitor in town. A holocaust survivor. She was 10 years old when she was taken to Auschwitz. One of the stops on some book tour she was going through happened to be the Ivy Tech that's here in town. She planned on giving a lecture and doing a book signing

I'm not going to lie, I'm somewhat of a World War 2 fan. Some fascinating stuff went down during that little skirmish. I love getting a chance to hear about it from someone who actually lived through it.

However, seating for the lecture was limited

And it just so happened, I have a friend that goes to Ivy Tech. He promised he could get me in.



Now, the lecture itself was actually boring, but one thing she said stood out to me. She said "she had forgiven the Nazis."

When she said that, I kinda droned her out and harped on it. Had I been a Jew in a concentration camp and seen those Germans kill my family and friends, you bet your Jesus picking ass I would have held a grudge the rest of my life. Hell, the way I see it, people who forgive are people who are too pussy to get revenge.

It just didn't sit well with me. The fact that she let go of her anger. I had to do something to make her remember.

So, it came time for the book singing. I finally got up to her and set her book down in front of her.

I said, "I'd love to have your autograph."

She said sure and began to to wrote her name.

I stopped her.

I said, "No, I don't want your name."  I then pointed at her left forearm.

"I want your number."

It took 2 security guards to remove me, but before they did, I could see the hatred swell in her eyes.

Mission Accomplished.

Just to show off.

Son's First Day of School

Ever since my son, Jason, first started walking, he's been attached to his mother's hip. Everytime she had to go to work, he would cryh his head off.

He's now six years old, and his dependence on his mother is still there.

This concerns me a great deal. I have to think this is early signs of homosexuality. Not that I have a problem with the gays, but I don't want any child of mine to have a tough life.

Now, my son is getting ready to go off to school for the first time. We told him everything abut school, that he would be there for a few hours with other kids, learning about fun things like we have already taught him. We told him every kid goes to school. But, Jason kept insisting that his mother had to go with him. We were finally able to get him to realize that he had to go alone. It took a few days, but he accepted it, however, he still wanted "momma" to take him to the bus stop.

My wife is a good woman, but she has almost been encourging this unhealthy obsession my son has. She loves the attention he gives her. She told me it made her feel more important. It made me sick.

I finally had to put my foot down. The night before my son's first day of school, I told my wife that she was not going to step one foot out of the bedroom. I told her I would take care of everything.

The next morning, I got my son up, made his some breakfast, and got his clothes out

The whole time, he kept asking where his momma was at. I avoided the question.

We walked to the bus stop. Of course, for the entire 4 blocks, he kept crying about his mother. At one point, he actually stopped and refused to go any further until his mom came. I ended up dragging him.

We got to the stop, and he just stood there, crying, saying "I want mom".

Five antagonizing minutes later, the bus arrived. Now, he was screaming.

"I want Mommy to put me on the bus!"

I grabbed him by the shoulders, gave him a little shook and said, "Listen here, your mother died in her sleep last night".

Since he fell into a catatonic state, it was easier for me to get him on the bus.

Guys Flirting With My Girlfriend

Guys know there's one thing we don't do..flirt with each other's girlfriends. Especially right in front the guy.

This happened to me the other day. A guy was flirting with my girlfriend, right in front of me.

I've been dating a co-worker, a very beautiful girl named Jessica, since March. We both work at Hardees. She works drive-thru and I the kitchen.

We both had Wednesday off, so we decided to do some shopping together.

We stopped at Big Lots, and got some junk.

We got in line to checkout, then it happens.

The cashier, some jerk face named Anthony, takes a good look at Jessica, and begins to talk to her.

Anthony: Hey, you're the girl from Hardees.

Jessica: Yep, that's me.

Anthony: You are nicest person they have working in the drive-thru. I'm so glad when it's you that takes my order.

Jessica: Aww. Thank you.

Anthony: How long have you been working there?

Jessica: Since February.

Anthony: Nice.Tell them they should have you working every night.

Jessica: (Laughs) I think I'd go insane if they did that.

The d-o-u-c-h-e bag laughs and finishes ringing our stuff up.

I pay, let me say that again, I pay for it.

Anthony gives me a short glance, and looks back at Jessica.

Anthony: Well, I hope you're there the next time, I go through.

Jessica: I probably will be. I work tomorrow night.

Anthony: Cool, I might grab some supper there then. Nice talking to you.

Jessica: See ya.

As we walked to my Jeep, I kept repeating what just had happened in my head.

The more I kept going over it, the more ticked off I became.

Besides the flirting, there was the fact that at no point was I acknowledged. No, "By the way, this is my boyfriend, he works there too."

We get in my jeep, and she looks at me and says, "He was a nice guy, wasn't he?"

Now, she was rubbing it in my face. I knew, right then and there, the relationship was over.

We got back to my place, and I actually made the night romantic. A nice dinner, her favorite movie by candlelight, passionate lovemaking.

And at the end of that, she had the audacity to say she loved me. I lied and said I loved her too, and we cuddled till we fell asleep.

Tonight at work, I got my revenge.


The whole day, my mind just kept going back to what happened at Big Lots. And Anthony's voice was stuck in my head. That girlish sounding voice, that lisp, if he hadn't been flirting with my girlfriend, I would've sworn he was gay.

Now, we got speakers back in the kitchen that allow us to hear customers ordering in the drive-thru.

So, I was listening for him.

Then I heard him. He actually asked if he was talking to Jessica. He squealed out, "Hi Jessica!" when she said it was her.

He ordered a sandwich and I went to work. I ran into the walk-in cooler and stuck my hands down my pants. Now, I hadn't washed down there since I had sex last night. So there had been all sorts of things cooking there.

I removed my hands and went to make his sandwich, making sure I touched everything. Then, I dropped the hamburger patty in the trash, took it out, and out it on his sandwich.

After I wrapped it. I grabbed a note form my pocket. I had wrote the note earlier. It read, "Hey Anthony! You should give me a call some time, here's my number. XOXO Jessica." I included the number at Jessica's apartment.

I put the sandwhich and the note in a bag and told Jessica the order was up. She came over, grabbed it, and handed it out to Anthony. They shared another laugh and he left.

At the end of our shift, I told Jessica we should go back to her place.

We did, and low and behold, there was a message on her machine.

I went and played it.

The message was: "Hey Jessica, it's me Anthony. I got your note! If you want to hang out some time, I'm up for it, give me a call back!"

Since my back was to her, I didn't hide my smile, but I quickly replaced it with a scowl.

I turned around to face her.

Me: So, you're giving your number out to other guys now?

Her: I swear, I didn't give him my number!

Me: That's funny, cause he's got it. And he said he got it from a note you gave him.

Her: I didn't give him any note! I love you, I wouldn't do that.

Now, at this point, I wanted to bust out laughing, but I had to keep the ruse going. Had to make her feel miserable.

Me: No, you were flirting with him yesterday and today. I can't trust you. I'm going to get my stuff and get out of here. This is over. You treacherous whore!

She began to cry. A real river of tears. I grabbed some of my stuff, and before I went out the door, I said "I hope he makes you happy."

I slammed the door, as I left, I could have sworn she said, "But he's gay", but it didn't matter. I got my revenge.

Babysitting the Niece

Earlier this week, a poor young girl of 4 was kidnapped out of her home, tortured, and raped. The poor thing survived, but they still haven't found the guy who did it. A man had spotted her sitting at the corner of Linden Ave underneath a street lamp at 4:00 in the morning.



Hearing about this made me glad I don't have kids. I don't know how I would react if something like that happened to my own child.



I do have my share of experiences with kids. My younger sister had a kid when she was 16. She had a daughter named Kristen. Kristen is now 7 years old and a bit of a handful.



The father ran out as soon as he heard my sis was pregnant, the bastard was 23 years old, so I have helped my sister out a lot when it comes to raising Kristen.



It's my weekend off from work, and my sister had been wanting to spend a weekend away with her new boyfriend. I agreed to watch Kristen.



Now, I had decided I was going to devote this weekend to watching some episodes of Lost, getting ready for the series finale on the 23rd. I told Kristen this was very importnant to me, so I let her play my computer.



I had put the parental locks in place and showed her how to watch her cartoons on the tv. I also showed her some games she could play. There was no reason for her to get bored.



A couple hours in, she comes out to my tv room and says, "Uncle Richie, I'm bored".



I said, "Kristy, there is plenty for you to do on the computer."



She said, " I don't like watching cartoons on the small screen, I want to watch them on the big TV."



I said, "Vut your Uncle Richie is watching Lost on the big TV."



That's when Kristen said something I could only imagine she learned from her whore of a mother.



She said, "Lost is stupid."



I stopped my show, got up and made her get her shoes on.



She asked why.



I said, "We are going for a ride."



We get in my Jeep and I drive to Linden Ave.



I asked her, "Do you know about that little girl that got hurt this week?"



She said, "Yes, my mommy was talking about her. She said a bad man hurt her. She said I had to be careful."



I asked, "Do you know what the bad man did to her?"



She sad, "He hurt her girl parts."



I asked, "Do you know where we are?"



She said no.



I said, "This is where the bad man hurt her."



I said, "That's right. So, Kristy, if you ever interrupt my show again and call it stupid again. I will drive you out here in the middle of the night, and leave the bad man to find you."



She'll never call Lost stupid again.

Old People Shopping.

This morning, I decided to go to Wal-Mart to pick up a classic controller for my Nintendo Wii.



When I pulled into the parking lot, I spotted an empty space next to the handicap spaces. Nice and close to the building.



I made my way towards it, and sure enough, another car managed to take it before I did.



I found a spot all the way in the back and walked up to the store. That's when I saw the car that took my spot.



It had handicap tags. And there were plenty of handicap spaces open.



The driver was this old woman, who was still getting out of the car.



When she finally got out, I spoke to her.



"Excuse me mam, but there are plenty of handicap spots available, why don't you use one of them? I kinda wanted that spot"



She looked at me, the way old people do when they are trying to remember who you are or what they were doing a minute ago, then she answered.



"I thought this was a handicap spot. My mind isn't what it once was. It's close enough"



Like a turtle that had been sedated, she slowly made her way inside.



Needless to say, I was furious. It is my strong belief that old people should not be allowed to drive. And the fact that she completely blew off the fact that she stole my spot was even more frustrating.



I went inside and grabbed a controller. I went to go pay for it, but I spotted the old woman again.



Just seeing her, going about her shopping as though she did no wrong to anybody, got me fuming even more.



She had to pay. I looked at the controller in my hand and back at the old hag. I knew what I had to do.



I walked over to her, grabbed some random item off the shelf, and tapped her on the shoulder.



She turned around and looked at me. No recognition on her face whatsoever.



I held up the item I grabbed and said, "Excuse me mam, you dropped."



As she stared at it, trying to decide of she had dropped it or not, I tossed the controller into her cart. She was completely unaware.



She took the item from me, threw it in her cart, and thanked me.



I was able to hold in my laughter.



I followed her. She took about 45 minutes to shop, then she finally made her way to the cash register.



I got behind, and helped her unload her cart. She thanked me and said it was nice to meet such a nice young man.



I wanted to say, "And it's nice to meet such an old thoughtless hag", but I just grinned and nodded.



She paid for all of her items, and mine, got her bags into her cart and made her way out to the car.



I stood at the entrance and watched her load he bags into car, then I approached her once again.



"Excuse me mam, the cashier accidently put something of mine into one of your bags."



She said, "Oh my" and invited me to look through her bags.



I fished out my controller and said thank you.



Sure, she's never going to know what happened, but I made her pay. And that's all that matters.

My cat had a litter of kittens.

A couple of months ago, my calico, Patches, had a litter of 6 kittens. The most adorable kittens you could ever see.



Unfortunately, I could not take care of them, so I decided to give them away.



I put a sign out in front my house yesterday saying "Free Kittens".



Today, my next door neighbor, Glenn and his 6 year old son Kyle, came knocking on my door.



Glenn told me he wanted a kitten. Howard owes me 20 dollars. You see, I'm not the type who lends money to people, but since he's my neighbor and I know where he lives, I figured it wouldn't hurt.



I said, "I'd love to give you a kitten Glenn, but you still owe me 20 bucks."



Glenn said, "I know, and I'm going to pay you back as soon as I get my next check."



I said, "If you can't afford to pay me back, how are you going to afford taking care of the kitten?"



He said, "Listen, I had to borrow that money because I was in a pinch, but I'm back on track now."



I nodded. What he didn't know, is that I knew exactly what the 20 bucks was for. Kyle has a 16 year old babysitter, whom I happen to work with. She informed me that Glenn came home early one night and decided to have a little fun with her after Kyle went to bed. She demanded an extra 20 bucks that night, or else she'd tell Glenn's wife.



And since Glenn's wife watches their money like a hawk, he came to me to get the 20 bucks.



So, I knew for a fact that his money wasn't tight...the babysitter was. But still, it ticked me off that he still hadn't paid me back.



Now, I was at a bit of a conundrum: Confront him with the fact that I knew the truth and get my 20 bucks, or just let him have the kitten, wait for my 20 bucks, and just use the info to blackmail him later.



I knew his adventures with babysitter were too good to waste on a mere 20 bucks, but I still had to make him suffer for not paying me back promptly.



I looked at Kyle. He was playing with one of the kittens.



I asked him, "You like that one?"



He said yes.



I got down on the floor and picked the kitten up and asked him, "Is this the one you want to take home?"



He nodded and a bright smile came on his face.



I looked up and Glenn, and winked at him, while I grinned like a shark.



I looked back at Kyle and said, "This is what happens when your daddy can't pay people back on time."



I took the kittens head in my hand and gave it a twist.



Now, I want you to know, I didn't like doing that. I love animals. I love cats, but revenge sometimes makes a person do things they don't like to do.



I threw the dead kitten back at Kyle and said, "There you go, he's all yours. Taking care of him won't cost you a thing."

Ran into an Ex-Girlfriend's new boyfriend.

I went to Wal-Mart last night, to pick up the Wolverine movie. No, I'm not proud of it.



Anyways, while I'm looking at the Blu-Rays, this guy walks up to look over them as well. I look at him from the corner of my eye, and something about him seems familiar.



Then it hits me.





You see, earlier last year, I dated this chick named Allison. We went out for a few months, but she dumped me because she didn't believe I was the kind of guy who could always be there emotional for me. She was right, but let me tell you this folks, she was excellent in bed.



And I do mean excellent, she was worth to fake being there for her emotionally.



So, after we split, I kept tabs on her, and by this, I mean I stalked her MySpace page. She keeps it private, but thankfully, I'm still her friend on there. Every time she would mention a new boyfriend, I would get extremely jealous.



But these dates only seemed to last a couple of weeks, so I continued to hang on, until she realized she made the mistake of dumping me.



But...back in March, she met this douchbag named Taylor.



She and Taylor hit it off. As their relationship progressed, I began checking out his profile as well. Know thy enemy.



Back in July, I saw the worst news I could have ever seen.



Taylor got her pregnant. Now, Allison was as good as dead to me.



And it just so happened, that Taylor was standing next to me at Wal-Mart last night in front of the Blu-Ray rack.



Once it dawned on me that this was him, the gears in my head started to turn. I had to get revenge for what he did to me.



I stood there, completely still, then cocked my head to left, as though I were listening to somebody.



He gave me a curious glance. After a few seconds, I began to speak.



Me: T-T-T- Ta..Tay...Taylor?



He took a step backed and looked me over.



Taylor: Do I know you?



Me: No. We've never met.



Taylor: Then why'd you say my name?



Me: So, that is your name! Fantastic!



Taylor: What the hell is this?



Me: Don't be alarmed. I have a certain connection to the spirit world. One of my contacts was whispering your name. Now they are telling me your birth date. November 16th, 1983?



Taylor: Did somebody put you up to this?



Me: Not at all dude, I'm telling you the truth, I swear on my mother's life. Ask me a question and see if they can tell me.



Taylor: Ok, my father died when I was two. What was his name.



I cocked my head again, pretending to be listening, but I was really trying to remember back to his MySpace page. There was a pic of him as a baby sitting in the lap of a 30 something man. The caption read "In loving Memory of James Prescott"



Me: Jimmy?



Taylor: Yeah, that's right.



Me: Hold on, they are telling me something else.



I "listened" again, then a big smile came over my face.



Me: Your girlfriend is having a baby!



An even bigger smile grew on his face.



Taylor: That's right!



I shook his hand.



Me: That's great man. I think it's cool...wait.



I "listened" once again. Although this time, the smile on face disappeared, only to be replaced with a concerned look.



He looked at me, concerned as well.



Taylor: What is it?



Me: Nothing. Congrats again, I'll let you get back to your shopping.



I began to walk away, but he followed.



Taylor: What did you hear man?



My mind went back to her profile and to the time we were together. There was this guy named Dusty that she had been friends with most of her life. It was strictly platonic, but those two were closer than anybody.



Me: Do you really want to know?



Taylor: Yes! What are they saying.



Me: They keep mentioning a Dusty. I keep hearing Allison, Dusty, and baby all at the same time.



I looked at him, doing my greatest not to laugh as the color drained from his face. He stood there for a minute, out the Blu-ray back, and said he had to leave.



This morning, I looked at her profile, there was a new comment, from him.



Taylor: All this time, I knew there was something going on between you and that shithead Dusty. You think the two of you can go behind my back and fuck around. FINE! I hope he can be a good father to HIS baby! Thats right, I know all about it. I had to hear it from a stranger last night. He tried to tell me it was some goddamn ghosts telling him, but I know your fuckin little games. You ad I are through!



Sure enough, he had removed himself from her friends list and now made his profile private.



Sometimes, I really amaze myself.

My Latest Idea.

Superbowl parties have become a traditional pastime in many American households. People love getting together, watching the big game on their HD Big Screen TVs.

I think it's time to bring a new tradition to American Families.

9/11 Parties.

That's right. People getting together, setting up a bunch of snacks and meals, cracking open some cold ones, and sitting down to watch a rebroadcast of the 9/11 attacks.

Only, a little more enhanced this time. For instance, we will reformat all 9/11 footage in beautiful 1080i HD. That means you'll be able to see the terrorists waving from the plane right before it crashes into the tower.

We will also bring John Madden out of retirement to call play-by-play on the footage.

"The terrorists have made a bold move here, they have intercepted the plane and they are going for it! Where is our defense at? The terrorists are going all the way! They are at the 40, the 30, oh, TOUCHDOWN! Oh, that's got to hurt! Let's watch the instant replay! There they are, they look like they just might miss, but they pull off a fantastic maneuver at the last second and nailed that goal!"

"Oh. what's this? Looks like we've got some jumpers here. Now, we are seeing some pretty amateur moves here. Brett Farve would have dived out with a bot more grace.



"Number 93 is on its way to the goal! OH! Interference, Number 93 has been taken down! It's all over for 93!"



Of course, as with the Superbowl, there is much advertising dollars to be made. We could have commercials like this:

We see a Domino's Pizza delivery car racing down the road. He arrives at his destination, the South Tower of the World Trade Center...after it has collapsed. He looks back and forth between the pizza and the rubble, shrugs his shoulders, and starts eating the pizza.

Pizza Hut could come up with this: "On 9/11, terrorists delivered two large planes to New York. We won't be as stingy, get two large pizzas with all the toppings for $19.99"

Dr. Pepper: "It goes down a lot smoother than those towers did."

The only problem with rewatching 9/11 footage is, you already know what's going down.

Overheard a conversation

Just got back from lunch. I was eating at a local diner, the Boardwalk Cafe. Had my usual BLT with home fries, Very good if you ever happen to stop by there,



I sat at my usual spot, a privacy booth which is cornered in a little section that you can only see the person eating there if you walk by the table.



Today was quiet, they had the local radio station playing on the speakers at a low volume. There was only 5 other people there when I got my food. As I ate, I heard the door open and somebody sat down at a booth near mine.



I took a casual glance over the little wall to watch the cute waitress walk up to take the person's order. I saw the person, he was looking down at the menu, young kid, probably about 16.



The waitress asked him if he was ready and the young man asked her if anybody had called for him. He said his name was Jerry and he was meeting someone here.



The waitress said she'd go check. A couple of minutes later, she came back and told him they had not gotten any calls.



Jerry said thanks. The waitress asked Jerry what the person looked like, because maybe he had already came in. Jerry said he didn't know, then he told her why.



Jerry, as it turns out, was adopted. He never knew his biological parents. He told the waitress that when he turned 16 earlier this year, he had decided he wanted to track them down. Through some investigation, he was able to get ahold of his biological father's contact information. Found out the man's name was Clark and he was a 33 year old Insurance salesman that still lived in town.



He contacted Clark through email and agreed to meet here for the first time.



A few minutes went by, I finished my BLT and fries and prepped myself. I'm 30 years old and could easily pass for a 33 year old. I did the math in my head, the real father would have been 17 when he was born. I thought back to what the kid looked like...he had brown hair, I think I could see he had brown eyes...all the same as me.



I decided right then and there...this kid was looking to meet his father, and I didn't want this poor young man to leave disappointed.



I stood up from my booth and walked around to his. He was looking out the window, waiting for his father.



I asked him, "Are you Jerry?"



He looked up at me, and I could see a certain sparkle in his eyes.



He said, "yes".



I held out my hand, he shook it, and I said, "Hi Jerry, I'm Clark...your father".



I sat down across from him. I could tell his mind was at work, that he had imagined this scene played out in his head a dozen of times, had a bunch of questions he wanted to ask, I knew there was going to be one question he was definitely going to ask, but I figured he would want to break the ice first.

Instead..he came right out and asked that question first.



"Why did you not want me?"



I took a deep breath, I knew exactly what this kid wanted to hear.



I said, "Listen, I was 17 when you were born. Only a year older than you are now. Are you ready to have a kid? I couldn't do it and neither could your mother. When we found out she was pregnant, we only had two options available to us, and you should thank your lucky stars."



I could tell Jerry knew that was going to be the answer, but my last little bit there seemed to perplex him, he said, "Why am I lucky, because I got into a good home? You're right, I did. I love my parents, they have given me everything I could ever want and treated me right".



I said, "Yeah, that's great son, but that's not why you are lucky. See, the only two options available to us were abortion or adoption. I mean, I didn't care either way, but your mom could never make up her mind. Finally, I said 'let's just flip a coin. Head, we abort the bastard, tails, we give him to somebody else.' Well, lucky for you, it came up tails."



He looked at me with a stunned face. I'll tell you, it was hard as hell not to break out laughing, but I had to keep on.



I said, "Hey, that's all in the past. It all worked out best for everyone, well, except for your mother." This time, I did let out a small laugh.



Jerry asked, "What about my mother? Does she still live here."



I said, "Nope. You see, when she was pregnant with you, I had to help her with here homework when she took her leave from school. She was only 15, you know. In her last couple of week during the prenancy, she couldn't do any of her homework at all. Practically demand that help her with it after she plopped you out. Of course, the minute you were born, she fell in love with you, but you were taken away right then and there. She was depressed when she got home. A week later, she overdosed on sleeping pills. Saved me from having to do her homework, so I guess I owe you a thanks."



Jerry was speechless. The waitress came over and handed me my bill for the BLT and fries.



I passed the bill over to Jerry and said, "Hey son, do your old man and a favor and take care of this. I got to head out."



I patted him on the head and walked out.

I Got Fired From Another Job

If you've seen the movie, "Waiting...", you'll know that they have a special game to relieve some of the stress of working at a restaurant.

Now, at the fast food place I worked, I decided to come up with a game, albeit not one as vulgar as the one in that movie.

The game was called "Pearl Harbor". It involved throwing a crumpled up piece of paper towel(bombs) at somebody while yelling "Pearl Harbor". The rules were this:

1: The attacker must yell out "Pearl Harbor" then throw the bomb. If the bomb makes a direct hit on the target, the attacker scores a point. If, they miss the target, then the target is awarded the point.

2: If hit, the target then has a chance to retaliate. He must position himself near the attacker, scream out "Hiroshima!" and punch that person in the arm. If they are to make a direct hit, they are awarded 2 points. However, if they miss, then their target is awarded 1 point.

At the end of the night, the points are tallied up and a winner is declared.

Now, since I came up with the game, the nights I worked, I was always declared the winner. it became something of a goal among my co-workers to bring me down.

Last night, it started out as a typical night.

Unfortuneatley, that soon changed.

There is one particular co-worker, her name is Erica, that I was really attracted to. Very hot, smart, funny, and loved Stephen King.

There was only two problems from me getting her...she preferred Mexican men and had gotten pregnant by one. She was 3 months into it.

I don't have any real problems with the Mexicans that move to my town, except when they get our local women pregnant. We were here first, so we should get first dibs on our women. I should have got first dibs on Erica.

At one point during the night, I see her walking towards me. She flashed her eyes and smiled at me, and then called out my name in a sweet voice.

I should have known better.

I looked up, staring into those beautiful eyes of her, getting so lost in them, that I hardly heard her say it when she screamed it out.

"Pearl Harbor".

The paper towel hit my square in the face.

The next thing i know, she screaming out "I got him! I finally got him!"

She ran around the store, getting high fives from our co-workers.

I was pissed. Extremely pissed. But, I held my composure.

For the next couple of hours, I was the focal point of mockery, but again...I showed no signs of my anger. But, I knew I had to get my revenge.

After the supper rush was over, we all took a few minutes to wind down. We all went to the back and stood around.

I stood next to Erica.

She said, "You are not planning to Hiroshima me, are you?"
I said, "No. But that was a good shot."

A couple of moments went by.

I made my move.

I screamed out, "ROE VERSUS WADE!" and punched in her in the stomach.

As she bent over in pain, I looked at my shocked co-workers and said, "That's how it's done, bitches."

I walked away. The manager followed me.

He asked, "What the hell was that?"

I said, "She Pearl Harbored me. I just retaliated. That should be worth 3 points."

He yelled out, "But you punched her in the stomach!"

I said, "Yeah, it's my game. I'll amend the rules as I see fit."

He shook his head and said, "She's pregnant."

I said, "I know, that's why I said Roe versus Wade."

Well, I got fired for that....it was worth it.

Star Trek Promotion

We currently have the promotional tie-in with Star Trek at the pkace I work.

That means, I get to steal the free toys and a nice discount on the four collectors glasses.

But that's not the best thing.

I...just me...get the display stand for the glasses. It's pretty sweet looking. Almost 6 feet tall. Features Kirk, Spock, Uhura, and Nero standing in front of Earth and the Enterprise. And has four "bubbles" where the glasses sit.

And when we are done with the promotion, it's coming home to me.

The funny thing is, we'll have customers coming in who want it. Too bad. I got dibs.

In fact, just the other day, this lady came in with some funny looking kid in a wheelchair.

As they passed by the display stand, they stopped and the kid just stared it.

They get up and place their order. so I go back into the kitchen and make it.

After I make the food, I get called back up to the front by cashier.

She points to the woman and says she would like to have a word with me.

Now, I hate talking to customers. In my many years of doing this type of job, I have discovered one universal rule.

Customers are stupid.

Nevertheless...

I approach the customer, she begins to talk. She asks me if I'm the gentleman who is getting the Star Trek thing.

I nod and look over at it and smile.

She then says her son has Richard Dreyfus muscular dystrophy, or some such nonsense. I look over at the kid, he looked retarded. to me, but I never cann tell with these things.

She says he has loved Star Trek since he was young and it would mean the world to him if they could get the display stand.

I made a deep sigh. She noticed.

She said she would pay me 20 dollars for it.

I look over at it again and then back to the Jerry's kid.

Knowing I was on the clock, I tried to find the right words to say to this woman. What I wanted to say was "There is no chance in hell your kid is getting that thing".

Well, she was impatient towards my hesitation and did something I deem unforgivable.

She tries to appeal to my "good nature".

She says the doctors haven't given her son much time to live, and this Richard Dreyfus MD can kill at any time.


I let her have it.

I said to her, "Listen lady, when I stand in front of it and drool, it's because I have a deep appreciation for what I'm looking at, when your son is drooling in front of it, it's because he doesn't know how to close his mouth. Now, that thing is not going to somebody is going to be dead before the new Trek movie is even out on DVD. I'll tell you what, I'll let your son borrow it until he is dead if he can give me the Vulcan salute."

Needless to say, that customer won't be coming back.


That display is going to look so good in my room.

Cancer Girl Collection Cup Confrontation

I went into work today. I was feeling so-so. I had a pretty good weekend, but I've been kind of down due to some personal issues.

I step in, and David, the gay manager, greeted me.

I said hi back to him and I went to the break room.

He followed me there. He had a big smile on his face and I knew he wanted me to ask him something.

So I did.

Me: How was the audition, Dave?

You see, Dave went to a Real World audition up in Chicago on Saturday. It's all he's been talking about for the past two weeks. So, when I asked him about it, his smiled managed to get wider.

Dave: Oh, it was great! They really liked me. The one woman who was in charge said I should definitely send in a follow-up video because she'll be looking for it.

He kept going on with the details. He followed me with them all the way back up to the front, where I was getting a drink.

I was just nodding and saying things like "that's nice" and "good for you".

But then he struck a nerve.

In his closing, he mentioned how all of his dreams were finally coming true and that the universe was smiling down upon him.

I decided to remind him that the universe **lololololololol**ks.

I walked over the front counter and grabbed the Cancer Girl Collection Cup.

It was one of the community deals where people set out these cups at local businesses to collect money from the public. And the money always goes to some poor family. The cup always has a picture of the victim and their **lololololololol** story.

In the case of this particular Collection Cup, it was for a two year old girl that came down with cancer. What kind, I don't know and I don't care.

Anyway, I picked the cup up and showed it to Dave.


Me: This girl has a better chance at getting cured than you ever do at getting on that show.

Dave looked at me, puzzled. He was always slow to grasp a concept.

Dave: What do you mean.

I pointed to the picture of the girl.

Me: You see her. She's as good as dead. Just like your chances of being picked for The Real World.

Dave didn't like that. he stormed off, back into the break room.

I got my drink and headed back there as well.

I saw him talking on his cell phone. I couldn't hear what he was saying. There was another employee in there with him. She came out shaking her head.

She walked up to me.

Her: You're in trouble.

Me: What do you mean?

Her: Dave's talking to the mother of that girl with the cancer.

Me: He's what? How does he know her?

Her: You didn't know? They're friends. Dave was the one who brought in the cup.

Well, I didn't know that. Oh well.

I saw Dave hang up his cell. He walked over to me.

Dave: Her mother is one her way here.

Me: What the fuuuuuudge are you talking about? Why is she coming up here?

Dave: I told her what you said.

Me: Why? It's nothing personal to her or her daughter. It was about you? Why are you bringing her into this?

Dave: Because I don't appreciate you saying those things and neither does her mother.

He walked away from me. Doing his little head twirl in the process. I tried my best to comprehend his actions, but I couldn't.

A half hour later, the mother arrived.

Kenny yelled at me to come up front.

He then said something to this white trash looking woman.

29 years old, give or take, and I do mean white trash

She looks at me.

The Mother: Are you the son of a **lololololololol** talking about my daughter?

Me: I guess I am.

She looked over at the collection cup.

The Mother: Why are you making fun of her? She is a gift from God.

I chuckled at that a little bit.

Me: A gift from god? Please. If anything, this little cancer deal is god's way of telling you that you never should have had her in the first place.

She took a step back. Shocked at what I just said. I could see her trying to find the right words to say.

She finally responds, trying to choke back some tears as she gets the words out.

The Mother: Don't you have a heart? Don't you have some compassion?

I stared at her. I threw my hand into my pocket and pulled out a nickel. I held it up for her, so she could make out what it was.

I walked over to the collection cup and dropped it in. I then held my arms up beside me as if to say "What now, bitch?"

She took a look in the collection cup and let out a small gasp.

She took the cup over to the open space on the counter and dumped out the contents.

There was two 1 dollar bills and a dollars worth of change.

Me: 3 bucks. Looks like she's cured.

She picks up the nickel I dropped in looked at me, then around the store.

The Mother: You are all assholes.

She throws the nickel at me and walks out.

I turned to my left, Dave was standing there.

He looks at me, angry as hell.

Dave: I can't believe I just saw that! Where do you get off?

Me: Usually in the bed room.

Dave starts to walk away.

Dave: I can't deal with you tonight. I don't know how to deal with people like you period.

I shrugged and yelled out.

Me: That's why you'll never get on The Real World.

Dave didn't talk to me the rest of the night.

I'm Going To Be A Father

That's right.

I found out last week. The girl I have been seeing of and on for the past couple of months gave me the news after she took a preggo test.

I didn't want to say anything until I worked some things out.

If things work out the way they should, then this kid is going to be very good news. I'm going to be very happy to be a father.

Annie, however, isn't exactly thrilled. Her parents are very religious and they won't be to happy to hear she's going to have a kid out of wedlock. But, on the other hand she says, they keep dropping hints that they want her to settle down with somebody and start a family.

That would be all and good for me I guess, but her father hates me. But, Annie is "Daddy's Little Girl" and he puts up with the fact that I'm her boyfriend.

So, Annie hasn't told them yet about the pregnancy. She wants to wait until we've had time to talk about where our relationship would be headed if we start a family. She wants to tell them when she knows her future with me is secure.




I had other plans.


Yesterday, I went and visited her dad. Her father, his name is Bill, is the owner of a the predominant car dealership here in town. He is a very rich man.

I stepped into his office and took a seat.

Me: Hello Bill. I got your daughter pregnant.

Bill: Excuse me.

Me: I knocked Annie up.

He did his very best to keep a straight face, but I could tell he wanted to yell and rip me apart.

Bill: She hasn't told me this yet.

Me: She wants to wait. She knows you'd be angry.

Bill: So how come you are telling me.

Me: I thought you had the right to know.

Bill: I see. I guess I should thank you. Have you come to ask for my permission to marry her?

Me: God no. Why would I want to do that?

Bill: Let me explain something to you son, I happen to believe in strong family values. It's something my family has always had. I believe it's a concept you need to adopt.

Me: Family values huh? There something else that you have, something I enjoy very much. Other than your daughter that is. And that's money.

Bill: What about it?

Me: You have it and I want it. I want ten thousand dollars.

Bill: And what makes you think I'm going to hand this money over to you?

Me: You want Annie and your grandchild's life to be a good one, right?

Bill: If you want this money to provide for Annie and her baby, then I'll just give her the money myself.

Me: Uh, no. You'll give me the money.

Bill: How's that?

Me: You and your wife want to be grandparents, correct?

Bill: Yes, it's something we are looking forward too.

Me: How would you like it if you never get to see this baby?

Bill actually laughed at this.

Bill: If, on the off chance you and Annie stay together, she wouldn't dare do anything to stop me from seeing the child. And when you two split up, I guarantee you she'll have full custody.

Me: Full custody of what?

Bill: Her child, of course.

Me: I'm sorry if you misunderstood me, Bill. If you don't give me that money, there ain't going to be a grandchild.

Bill: What?

Me: If I don't get the money, I'll make Annie get an abortion.

Bill: She would never go through with that.

Me: Oh really? If I tell her I'm not ready to be a father and there's no way I can be a part of the baby's life, she's going down to a clinic and getting scraped. And she's never going to let you know about it. She told me herself.

Bill just sat there, furious.

Me: Listen, you got two months to decide. If you want to hold this child in your arms, then cough up the money. Otherwise, I suggest you get down to the clinic before the doctor dumps the baby into the trashcan.

And with that, I got up and left the office.



So, I might be jumping the gun on this announcement, but here's hoping.

Wish me luck.

The Subway Chick

Let's begin.

For the past year, I have been going to a particular Subway Sandwich Shop here in town. Once a week.

I eat there for a few reasons, I likes me a good sub, it's close to home, and there is a nice looking redhead there.

Now, the redhead has been working there for several months now and it's gotten to the point where she knows my order by heart (I always get the same thing).

And we always have a little flirtatious back and forth, little comments here and there, smiles..the usual.

Well, that all ended last week.

Monday, at my work, things were going along as they usually do.

Two customers walk in.

The redhead and a guy.

The cashier takes their order and I make it. During this time, the redhead notices me. She she's that I spotted her and turns away.

After the whole thing is complete, I call the cashier over to me.

I say, "Let me ask you something, that redhead that just came in with that guy, did you get a boyfriend/girlfriend vibe off of them?"

The cashier chuckles and then informs me that he knew them and the have been with each other for 2 years.



I was furious, to say the least.


Yesterday.

I drive by Subway and see her car's in the parking lot. I pull in.

I'm in full wardrobe for these cold months... black leather trench coat, black leather gloves, and my trademark sunglasses.

I go in.

The usual woman is at the front of their food line. 3 people are on their little food line. 2 of them I have never seen before. The redhead is at the end of the line at the register.

I have them make my food and I get to the end.

This time, the redhead is hardly making eye contact. She has a fake smile on.

She tells me my total and I hand her my card.

She hands it back to me and says, "Here you go, sir."


When she said this, I literally took a step back, in total shock.

This was a first. SIR. I have never been so outraged.

I took my sub, and instead of going home like I usually do, I took it to a table and sat down.

I unwrapped it and began to eat. Never taking my eyes off the redhead the whole time.

And she knew I was looking at her. She would glance at me and whisper into the other worker's ears.

The whole time I just ate and stared.

My mind was racing, first over the sir thing. Here wee were, having a great rapport, then this indifferent, anonymous, and insulting SIR pops out.

Why?

Because I knew her dirty little secret now, that's why.

Her teasing ways, her little mind games, leading me on like some cruel pet owner toying with their pet by making them chase the light from a laser pointer.

After I finished my sub, I sat there, staring, for another good 4 or 5 minutes.

I had to get my revenge. I tried so hard to plot something out.

There was only rage.

I looked around the restaurant..there was only me and the employees.

I put on my gloves and I got up from the table.

I shouted at the top of my lungs, "Everybody on the fucking floor right now!"

The three of them just stood there, stunned.

I shouted, "You think I'm fucking joking? Get down now!"

The got down.

I walked behind the counter.

One of them, a blond said, "We can't open the safe."

I said, "I'm not here for money. I'm here for something else."

I walked over to the redhead and told her to face me.

She turned around, tears streaming down her face..trembling.

I leaned down, and got right into her face, our noses almost touching, and I said, "How do you like my games, you bitch?"

I turned around and left.





I don't think I'll be eating there again.

Revenge On My Latest ex-Girlfriend

I had been going out with this girl, Emily, for about two months. She broke up with me last week.

And the way she broke up with me really stuck in my craw.

Last Wednesday:

We were at the Olive Garden. With her sister and her boyfriend. Who had found out they were pregnant.

Emily thought it would be great to have a dinner to celebrate.


All on my dime.

I'm paying for 4 people at the Olive Garden.


Fine, nothing wrong with that. I do this little thing for her and her sister, so I'm pretty much guaranteed to get laid, right?

Wrong.

We have the dinner, talk, all that jazz. Emily and I get in the Jeep to go home.

Then she drops it on me.

Emily: You were being typical you last night.

Me: What do you mean?

Emily: You didn't show one once of excitement for Matt and Amy's baby.

Me: Why would I be excited about that?

Emily: Because she's my sister. And I'm going to be an Aunt.

Me: So? It's not like you won a sweepstakes. People get pregnant all the time.

Emily: But you should care because it's happening to people close to us.

Me: Close to you. I hardly know your sister and Matt seems like a hose-bag.

Emily: You don't care about anything unless it happens to you. You are selfish.

Me: Just because I don't show interest doesn't mean I don't care.

Emily: Tonight was a test.

Me: Oh well, Professor, did I pass?

Emily: No. You failed. You have never cared about anything that happens in my life. When my Uncle died last month you just shrugged. Whenever I tried to talk to you about my father, your mind always seemed to be on something else. I'm sorry. I can't be with you anymore.


I dropped her off at her house and I went home angry that she conned me into paying for her dumb sister's dinner.


Saturday:

I decided to write one of my Congressmen to thank them for fucking everything up. And to send them an email, I had to include my zip code. And those 4 other digits at the end of the zip code that nobody ever uses. So, I entered my zip code into Google.

The first site listed was the Registered Sex Offenders List for my area.

Curious, I looked through it.

And lo-and behold...my Ex's father was on the list.

Things began to make sense.

The father was never in the picture. She wanted to talk about him. I never cared...but this was it. She wanted me to know he was a sicko. From the little I did hear, she hated him.

A plan formed in my mind.

Sunday:

I called up the father. Told him I was a friend of Emily's. Said she had been talking about him lately. Said she had turned to God and was now big on forgiveness. Told him she wanted to look past what he had become and only wants to see him as her father. But, she needed someone to give her a push, so to speak, and asked me to call.

I told him she wanted to meet him at the Olive Garden, Monday at 8. He said he'd be there.

I called Emily up.

Told her I had been thinking about all that she had said and that she was right. Told her I wanted to talk with her. She thought that would be a good idea. I told her to meet me at the Olive Garden at a quarter till 8 on Monday.


Monday:

I got to the Olive Garden.

Emily was already there. We got a table and I began talking. All B.S. of course. At five minutes till 8, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I awaited at the entrance.

Her father hadn't let me down.

I told her Emily was here and she was ready to talk. I shook his hand and he walked in.

I stood near the dining room entrance and watched my sweet revenge,


She looked up and saw her father standing at the table. He said something but she stood up and yelled, and I do mean yelled at him to get the hell away from her.

She screamed this a few times, looked around and saw me.

I waved at her and smiled.

She ran up to me and said. "Did you do this?"

I said, "Sure did."

She screamed, "He molested me!"

She then slapped me. Broke my $200 pair of sunglasses.

I could take her to small claims court over that, but the emotional damage I caused last night was well worth it.

Revenge on my Next Door Neighbors

I was out mowing my lawn yesterday. I live out in the country, so I have a big yard. So I have one of those riding lawn mowers, an older one my father gave me.

I had worked by way to the right lawn, which was a pretty open area. As I made laps around the part of the lawn, I noticed my next door neighbor's car heading down the road. As it drove by my house, I noticed it was the wife driving.

The mid-thirties, blonde, slender, attractive as hell wife.


Wanting to catch a glimpse of her getting out of the car, I made my way to the front yard. She pulled into the driveway as I positioned the mower to move in her direction, not wanting to stop to make my gawking obvious.

She got out of the car and was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I began to memorize that image as best as I could, a nice little deposit in the the spank bank, you know. But I was moving toward my driveway and was running out of yard.

I made a loop around the tree in my front lawn so I could get another good look before she went into her house.

Once I made the turn back in her direction, she was not in sight.

But her eight year old kid was.

And he was taking a leak in the middle of their driveway.

Now, this completely messed my mind up. The image of her in those shorts was gone. Cause now I got this kid lettin it loose and whizzing in the wind.

I was ticked off.

So, this morning at 5 o'clock, I went had had my revenge.

You see, my next door neighbors have 3 kids. An 11 year old daughter, the 8 year old, and a 7 month old.

They have a nifty little play area in their back yard. Swing set, slide, little club house (complete with windows and doors), monkey bars, and one of those horses that's on a spring.

I unleashed my justice. I stood on top on the slide and turned it into a water slide after I took a nice long piss of my own. That wasn't enough for me.

I took the horse thing and pushed it so it was laying on the ground, I then messed up the spring so it couldn't be ridden properly anymore.

I then cut the chains that held the swings up.

Some nice vandalism, but not enough more me. Having planned this thing all day yesterday, I made sure to pick up some extra supplies.

I have this old shed in my back yard. I had went out there to grab some things for this little fun fest and that shed was full of gold...well, spiders, insects and quite a few dead mice.

I gathered up some spiders and put them in some small jars. I scooped the dead mice up with a shovel and placed them in a bucket.

So, after I destroyed and pissed on their equipment, I went into their little club house. I released the spiders all over the place and dumped the dead mice right in the doorway, so they'd be the first thing they stepped on when they walked in.

I did all this and went back home. I took a small nap and woke up two hours ago.

Now, since school is out, the kids have all this free time to play. My next door neighbor's kids usually are out playing in the yard about 10:30, 11 AM.

At 10:30, I went into my garage so I could look out the window at my next door neighbors yard, where their play area was.

About 15 minutes later, the kid came running out.

The daughter reached the swings first and found them to be busted. The little pisser made his way to the slide and went down. He felt his back and then brought his hand to his nose. I could see a disgusted look on his face.

I was pleased.

The daughter then saw the horse and pointed it out to her brother.

He saw it and scratched his head. The daughter then pointed to the clubhouse and she ran back towards the house.

The brat made his way into the clubhouse.

I could hear his screams.

I Had To Break Up With My Girlfriend.

I had been with this chick for a month. I really liked her. Hell, I may have even loved her. But, things can happen that make you change your mind about a person. Such is the case here.

There had been a couple of incidents here in town. Unfortunately, a man dressed as a clown had sexually assaulted a couple of women.

2 weeks ago, he attacked my girlfriend.

Now, understandably, she was an emotional wreck. But, I was there for her the best I could be. I mean, I really did everything I could. One night, I just held her in my arms as she cried. It was very sad.

But, incredibly, last week, they found him and arrested him. He confessed and will be in jail for 20 years. Thank god, you know, scum like that needs to be behind bars. And my girlfriend relaxed a bit, but there was still some emotional trauma. We never engaged in sexual activity after she was attacked..and I didn't persuade her. She would be ready in her own time.

Which was fine for me. I had my right hand. And if I got too needy, there are a few girls I know that would give it up to you if you said hi to them, you know?

Anyway...none of that was a problem, however, when details about the attacks came out after he was caught, that's when the trouble came.


My girlfriend never talked about what happened. I didn't want to hear it wither. But, there was something I found out that made me start to question our relationship.


You see, when the first two girls were attacked, the guy's clown make-up was painted on to make it look like a Smiley Face Clown. When he got my girlfriend though, he had a frown painted on his face.


Now, I knew of these two other girls. There weren't anything you talked with your friends about, you know? But my girlfriend, she was a real cutey.

Now I found out this guy had the Crying Clown makeup on when he was clowning around with my girlfriend..what does that say about my girlfriend? That she is so disgusting that this creep is sad that he has to lower himself to attacking her?

So, I had to reevaluate our relationship and decided that she may not have been all that I thought she was.