Revenge On My Latest ex-Girlfriend

I had been going out with this girl, Emily, for about two months. She broke up with me last week.

And the way she broke up with me really stuck in my craw.

Last Wednesday:

We were at the Olive Garden. With her sister and her boyfriend. Who had found out they were pregnant.

Emily thought it would be great to have a dinner to celebrate.


All on my dime.

I'm paying for 4 people at the Olive Garden.


Fine, nothing wrong with that. I do this little thing for her and her sister, so I'm pretty much guaranteed to get laid, right?

Wrong.

We have the dinner, talk, all that jazz. Emily and I get in the Jeep to go home.

Then she drops it on me.

Emily: You were being typical you last night.

Me: What do you mean?

Emily: You didn't show one once of excitement for Matt and Amy's baby.

Me: Why would I be excited about that?

Emily: Because she's my sister. And I'm going to be an Aunt.

Me: So? It's not like you won a sweepstakes. People get pregnant all the time.

Emily: But you should care because it's happening to people close to us.

Me: Close to you. I hardly know your sister and Matt seems like a hose-bag.

Emily: You don't care about anything unless it happens to you. You are selfish.

Me: Just because I don't show interest doesn't mean I don't care.

Emily: Tonight was a test.

Me: Oh well, Professor, did I pass?

Emily: No. You failed. You have never cared about anything that happens in my life. When my Uncle died last month you just shrugged. Whenever I tried to talk to you about my father, your mind always seemed to be on something else. I'm sorry. I can't be with you anymore.


I dropped her off at her house and I went home angry that she conned me into paying for her dumb sister's dinner.


Saturday:

I decided to write one of my Congressmen to thank them for fucking everything up. And to send them an email, I had to include my zip code. And those 4 other digits at the end of the zip code that nobody ever uses. So, I entered my zip code into Google.

The first site listed was the Registered Sex Offenders List for my area.

Curious, I looked through it.

And lo-and behold...my Ex's father was on the list.

Things began to make sense.

The father was never in the picture. She wanted to talk about him. I never cared...but this was it. She wanted me to know he was a sicko. From the little I did hear, she hated him.

A plan formed in my mind.

Sunday:

I called up the father. Told him I was a friend of Emily's. Said she had been talking about him lately. Said she had turned to God and was now big on forgiveness. Told him she wanted to look past what he had become and only wants to see him as her father. But, she needed someone to give her a push, so to speak, and asked me to call.

I told him she wanted to meet him at the Olive Garden, Monday at 8. He said he'd be there.

I called Emily up.

Told her I had been thinking about all that she had said and that she was right. Told her I wanted to talk with her. She thought that would be a good idea. I told her to meet me at the Olive Garden at a quarter till 8 on Monday.


Monday:

I got to the Olive Garden.

Emily was already there. We got a table and I began talking. All B.S. of course. At five minutes till 8, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I awaited at the entrance.

Her father hadn't let me down.

I told her Emily was here and she was ready to talk. I shook his hand and he walked in.

I stood near the dining room entrance and watched my sweet revenge,


She looked up and saw her father standing at the table. He said something but she stood up and yelled, and I do mean yelled at him to get the hell away from her.

She screamed this a few times, looked around and saw me.

I waved at her and smiled.

She ran up to me and said. "Did you do this?"

I said, "Sure did."

She screamed, "He molested me!"

She then slapped me. Broke my $200 pair of sunglasses.

I could take her to small claims court over that, but the emotional damage I caused last night was well worth it.

Revenge on my Next Door Neighbors

I was out mowing my lawn yesterday. I live out in the country, so I have a big yard. So I have one of those riding lawn mowers, an older one my father gave me.

I had worked by way to the right lawn, which was a pretty open area. As I made laps around the part of the lawn, I noticed my next door neighbor's car heading down the road. As it drove by my house, I noticed it was the wife driving.

The mid-thirties, blonde, slender, attractive as hell wife.


Wanting to catch a glimpse of her getting out of the car, I made my way to the front yard. She pulled into the driveway as I positioned the mower to move in her direction, not wanting to stop to make my gawking obvious.

She got out of the car and was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I began to memorize that image as best as I could, a nice little deposit in the the spank bank, you know. But I was moving toward my driveway and was running out of yard.

I made a loop around the tree in my front lawn so I could get another good look before she went into her house.

Once I made the turn back in her direction, she was not in sight.

But her eight year old kid was.

And he was taking a leak in the middle of their driveway.

Now, this completely messed my mind up. The image of her in those shorts was gone. Cause now I got this kid lettin it loose and whizzing in the wind.

I was ticked off.

So, this morning at 5 o'clock, I went had had my revenge.

You see, my next door neighbors have 3 kids. An 11 year old daughter, the 8 year old, and a 7 month old.

They have a nifty little play area in their back yard. Swing set, slide, little club house (complete with windows and doors), monkey bars, and one of those horses that's on a spring.

I unleashed my justice. I stood on top on the slide and turned it into a water slide after I took a nice long piss of my own. That wasn't enough for me.

I took the horse thing and pushed it so it was laying on the ground, I then messed up the spring so it couldn't be ridden properly anymore.

I then cut the chains that held the swings up.

Some nice vandalism, but not enough more me. Having planned this thing all day yesterday, I made sure to pick up some extra supplies.

I have this old shed in my back yard. I had went out there to grab some things for this little fun fest and that shed was full of gold...well, spiders, insects and quite a few dead mice.

I gathered up some spiders and put them in some small jars. I scooped the dead mice up with a shovel and placed them in a bucket.

So, after I destroyed and pissed on their equipment, I went into their little club house. I released the spiders all over the place and dumped the dead mice right in the doorway, so they'd be the first thing they stepped on when they walked in.

I did all this and went back home. I took a small nap and woke up two hours ago.

Now, since school is out, the kids have all this free time to play. My next door neighbor's kids usually are out playing in the yard about 10:30, 11 AM.

At 10:30, I went into my garage so I could look out the window at my next door neighbors yard, where their play area was.

About 15 minutes later, the kid came running out.

The daughter reached the swings first and found them to be busted. The little pisser made his way to the slide and went down. He felt his back and then brought his hand to his nose. I could see a disgusted look on his face.

I was pleased.

The daughter then saw the horse and pointed it out to her brother.

He saw it and scratched his head. The daughter then pointed to the clubhouse and she ran back towards the house.

The brat made his way into the clubhouse.

I could hear his screams.

I Had To Break Up With My Girlfriend.

I had been with this chick for a month. I really liked her. Hell, I may have even loved her. But, things can happen that make you change your mind about a person. Such is the case here.

There had been a couple of incidents here in town. Unfortunately, a man dressed as a clown had sexually assaulted a couple of women.

2 weeks ago, he attacked my girlfriend.

Now, understandably, she was an emotional wreck. But, I was there for her the best I could be. I mean, I really did everything I could. One night, I just held her in my arms as she cried. It was very sad.

But, incredibly, last week, they found him and arrested him. He confessed and will be in jail for 20 years. Thank god, you know, scum like that needs to be behind bars. And my girlfriend relaxed a bit, but there was still some emotional trauma. We never engaged in sexual activity after she was attacked..and I didn't persuade her. She would be ready in her own time.

Which was fine for me. I had my right hand. And if I got too needy, there are a few girls I know that would give it up to you if you said hi to them, you know?

Anyway...none of that was a problem, however, when details about the attacks came out after he was caught, that's when the trouble came.


My girlfriend never talked about what happened. I didn't want to hear it wither. But, there was something I found out that made me start to question our relationship.


You see, when the first two girls were attacked, the guy's clown make-up was painted on to make it look like a Smiley Face Clown. When he got my girlfriend though, he had a frown painted on his face.


Now, I knew of these two other girls. There weren't anything you talked with your friends about, you know? But my girlfriend, she was a real cutey.

Now I found out this guy had the Crying Clown makeup on when he was clowning around with my girlfriend..what does that say about my girlfriend? That she is so disgusting that this creep is sad that he has to lower himself to attacking her?

So, I had to reevaluate our relationship and decided that she may not have been all that I thought she was.

Se7en

My sister and her husband decided they were going to Vegas on a 3 day weekend. They left their kid with me. Which I didn't mind, cause I was getting paid.

Anyway, my nephew is just like his mother. Obese.

Now, I don't have a problem with that. As long as it doesn't affect me, I don't care what kind of lifestyle you have.

My nephew was a pretty obedient kid, I told him he could have whatever he wanted out of my fridge, as long as he asked me if it was ok first.


Saturday night, about 3 am, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I decided to watch the Zodiac Documentary on the new Zodiac DVD.

After I started watching it, I got hungry. I decided I wanted to snack on some of the microwave burritos I bought.

I looked in my freezer and they weren't there.

I snuck into my guest bedroom where my nephew was sleeping, and sure enough, all six burrito wrappers were stuffed in the trash can.

I was livid. I thought about waking him and beating the crap out of him right there, but I thought back on the Zodiac movie and director David Finch.

I had a better idea.

Sunday.

I asked my nephew if he wanted to watch a movie. He said yes.

I popped in Se7en.

I told him, "By the way Josh, this is based on a true story."

He asked me what it was about. I told him it was about a guy who kills people based on the seven deadly sins.

When the movie got to the Gluttony killing, I turned to my nephew and said, "Look Josh. The man kills fat people because eating too much is a sin. Now, if you want to end up like that whale there with his face down in his soup, go ahead and steal more food from me."


He watched the rest of the movie with a look of true terror on his face.

I was pleased.

Eric Clapton

Yeah. Me and some buddy's were taking a vacation in New York.
When we got to the hotel, we found out that Eric Clapton was staying there.

The first couple of days, we caught on to Clapton's schedule. He would leave at a certain time and come back at about 4 pm.

The third day, we were in the lobby waiting for him.
As he got out of his limo, me and my buddy walked out the front doors.
As he approached us, we went up to him and introduced ourselves.

We told him we were fans and asked to get a picture with him. I must say, he was a really nice guy. He said yeah, we could take a picture with him. Great guy.

Then it happened.

Our other friend was up in our room, on the 20th floor, waiting for the right time.
Clapton and I stood up against the building and posed for the camera.

That's when our friend threw out a life-size doll of a young child.
Oh..the look on Clapton's face when the doll hit the ground was priceless, unfortuneately, my idiot friend with the camera didn't know how to work it..it was all blurry.


Oh well...maybe next time

Fired

Some of you people would say I've had this coming, and you may be right, but my firing yesterday was uncalled for. And believe you me, I will be fighting it.

For one thing, the incident happened while I was on my break.

This happened at the fast food joint I part time at.


I go on break and decide to take my lunch out in the lobby. I sat down at a table by one of the windows.

As I'm sitting there, I see a car drive by. As it passed my window, the driver flicked a out a cigarette.

The cigarette happened to land in one of the bushes that are planted all along the windows. A nice neat row of them.

As I sat there eating, I noticed some smoke starting to rise from the bush. I really didn't think anything about.

Until I saw some flames.

The bush had caught on fire.


I took another bite of my sandwich as I watched the bush burn. Soon enough, the bush next to it caught fire as well.


Nothing like a good show to watch while you're eating.

I took a look at my watch and started to keep track on how fast these bushes were catching fire. I took a look around and made sure to map out my exit strategy..just in case the building should happen to go up in flames as well.

And let's be honest, I was kinda hoping that would be the case.


I was almost finished with my lunch by the time the whole row of bushes had caught fire. Finally somebody else had noticed what was happening.

They shouted out, "Holy crap, it's on fire!"

I silently applauded his skills of observation. Moments later, two of my coworkers ran out, dumping buckets of water onto the fire.

My boos had come running up beside me, she was talking on the phone with the fire department. When she was done talking to them, she turned to me.

She said, "what have you been doing this whole time the bushes were on fire?"

I said, "Eating my lunch."

She asked, "And you didn't think of telling anybody?"

I said, "I would have, but I'm on break."

Then she spouts out, "Not only did you put the store in jeopardy, you put all of our lives in jeopardy."

I replied, "Look, it's not like I started the fire. I can assure you, if I had, I would have made sure to tie you all up first."


Half an hour later, after the firetrucks left, she had my termination papers written up.

I refused to sign them.

Bipolar Disorder

When you work a crappy job, you pretty much have to subscribe to the reality that during those hours you are working, you are no longer "alive". You are just a zombie.





Especially if you work in public service.





But during those hours, you are always on the lookout for something to latch onto, something that will remind you that there is something to live for outside of the hell you were hired onto.



Whether it be mundane conversations with coworkers you would not normally hang out with, or oogling the fine ladies that come into your store. Any hint of something better than you current position is a welcome.



This goes double when you are on the lookout to find a new lady to bring into your life.





Such was the case with me not too long ago.





A new girl was hired on to work the night shifts, which I happen to be a manage on some nights. When I saw her, it was like a breath of fresh air. Some real eye candy this one was. Which was a much welcome relief, because the women I have been working with made me start to wonder f nature had introduced the beasts to quell the human population. Yes, they are that ugly.





Anyway, after working a couple of days with this girl, I got to know her a little better. Nice attitude, got along with everybody.



After a few days, I decided to make my move.



I went up to her, and said, "Hey, if you're not doing anything after work tonight, you want to go grab a bite to eat with me?"





She blushed a little and said she would have to think about it.



That's fine. A couple hours passed and I decided to ask her again.



This time I got a completely different reaction.



I asked her, "Have you thought about it yet?"



Her face got deep red...and not from blushing.



She screamed out, "Why do you keep bugging me about this? Huh? Why don't you just leave me alone and quit harassing me!



Now, she screamed this out so loud, everybody, and I do mean everybody, in the store is looking at us. I just stood there, like a deer in headlights, I didn't know what to do or say. Her reaction had caught me completely off guard. After I recovered from my frozen state, I quickly walked away from her.



I had never been so embarrassed in my life.



And that's not something I easily forgive.





I pulled one of the workers into the manager's office.



I said to him, "Mark, what the hell is the deal with that psycho bitch?"



Mark said, "I don't know, but I'll find out for you."



He left the office and I sat in there deciding what to do next. Not only was I turned down for a date, but she also metaphorically castrated me in front of everybody. I had to deal with this bitch, had to get rid of her somehow.



A few minutes later, Mark came back into the office.



Mark said, "Well, you won't believe this, she's bipolar."





A light bulb went off in my head.





The next morning, I had a little chat with my boss, who told me that I should come to him if I had any problems with my employees on the night shift.





This is what I said to him, "I have some concerns with the new girl. Last night, I had asked her to do something. Later on when I asked her about it again, she blew up in my face. I come to find out she has this bipolar disorder. So, you see my concern about her being around the customers."



The boss said he was afraid that this might happen and he told me he would deal with it. And he did.



He canned her Norman Bates ass.